What happened to us?

[copman]

My wife and I were Married 20 Days ago, and we are arguing and fighting already. I love her with all of my heart and do not want to hurt her, but she does not understand a lot of my intentions or misinterprets them. I know that a successfull marriage takes patience and understanding, but how can I show her that I love her and do not want to fight. It pains me to see her upset, and tonight she went to bed immediately following dinner. I lost my job and, yes, that may have something to do with it, but not totally. What can I do to show her; and how do compromise the way I have acted and spoke for 25 years? Please answer me soon!!

[jamesglewisf]

This sounds like a pretty tough situation. A few more details will help. These will just help me to know how to address things. You don't have to provide them if you don't want.[list=1] How long did you know each other before you dated?
How long did you date before you got engaged?
How long were you engaged before you got married?
Are either or both of you Christians or some other faith? If yes, do you regularly attend church? (My wife and I regularly attend church, and we still have arguments. This just helps me know where you are spiritually.)
Do the arguments usually start because of something you have said that hurt her feelings? (This is my situation.)
What are the arguments about? Are the big issues or just minor differences of opinion? Give some examples of the topic, not the whole argument.
[/list=1]It is very hard to help with a situation when the details are missing. If you can answer the questions here, please number your answers the same as the questions. If this stuff is too personal, feel free to contact me using either AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo Instant Messenger, or ICQ. My IDs are in my profile.

I'm home sick today, so I can respond to you during the day. I also might be sleeping, so forgive any delays.

[copman]

Jim, Thanks for the quick reply.
We knew each other for approximately 3 1/2 years before we started dating. We then dated for 6 months before being engaged for 1 year.
We both are Christians, although she is trying to get me minto Church more.( She has never missed a Sunday)And because of my work schedule the past few years, I have had to work many Sunday's, so I didn't get to go as much. Now that I have Sunday's free, I feel that I am having a difficult time adjusting. She complains, in good faith, that she wants me in Church with her.
Most of our arguements come from hurtful things she says I say, but truly sometimes they aren't intended to be hurtful. It is just misinterpreted. I have been a Police Officer for 6 years and sometimes "bring my work home with me." I may sometimes talk like I do to the people I deal with day in and day out, and she feels I am talking to her harshly. I am a Sgt. in the C.A.P.A.C. unit of Metro Atlanta, and deal with people that are some of the biggest drug traffikers in Georgia. Because of the propensity for violence, I cannot take time to argue, and this may rub off on me at home. Also, she says that my language is not appropriate. (I do not use foul or vulgar language). I honestly do not know what she means sometimes.

I hope this information will fill you in more. Again thanks for the reply.

[jamesglewisf]

Before we start, please read this thead:

http://www.frappydoo.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=9

Did you really read it? It's important before we continue.

I believe that you and I both suffer from foot-shaped mouth disease.

I point this out because if any of the rest of this sounds harsh, know that I'm not telling you anything I haven't learned or experienced or been myself. Your story is not much different than my story.

[jamesglewisf]

OK. Let me explain why I wanted to know how long you had known each other, dated, were engaged, etc.

Since you knew each other for a period of about five years, including six months of dating and one year of engagement, I doubt that you were able to hide your real personality from her. In other words, she knew what she was getting into when she said, "I do." That doesn't excuse poor behavior on your part, but it is unreasoable for her to think that the words "I do" were going to magically transform you into everything she longed for in a husband. In other words, she needs to be patient while you are working on changing.

On the other side, you also knew her for five years prior to marriage. That means that her getting her feelings hurt by something you said is not a new event. "I do" did not magically transform her into someone who would put up with your harshness either. In other words, you need to be patient with her while you work on changing.

FYI. I knew my wife for about 2.5 years, dated for about 2 months, and then was engaged for 1 year. Sound familiar? LOL!

[jamesglewisf]

I wanted to know whether or not you were both Christians because I'm going to hold you to a standard - God's Word - if you are.

As a Christian husband, you are held to a high standard. You are supposed to treat your wife like fine china or porcelain. That means that you (and I) are not allowed to be harsh to our wives, whether it is intentional or not. One thing that men need to understand is that women are more delicate than men, and I don't mean that in a degrading way. In general, they are more sensitive, loving and caring than men. If my friend sees me on the street and says, "Hey fat boy, what's up?" I'm going to say, "Not much hairless wonder," and never look back. If a guy saw my wife on the street and said something similar, she would be in tears and truly hurt emotionally. Does that make her better or worse? No. We're just different.

That's why I don't talk to my wife the same way I talk to my male friends. I treat her like precious china. I handle her with care. Frankly, I treat her the way she would treat me.

[jamesglewisf]

I hesitate to even post this, but I'm going to anyhow. This is one of the most mis-quoted and mis-understood and mis-applied verses in the Bible, but I'm going to explain it well. 1 Peter 3:7
7 You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.The words translated "weaker vessel" mean what I talked about in the previous post. "Weaker vessel" means "fine china" or "delicate porcelain." They do not mean stupid, loser, or anything else degrading.

I am commanded in this verse to live with my wife in an understanding way and to grant her honor as a fellow heir in the grace of life. Those commands are not compatible with a negative reading of "weaker vessel."

I am commanded to live with my wife in an understanding way. Will I always understand her? No. Neither will she always understand me. I am supposed to live with her in an understanding way. That means I try to understand her. That means I try to figure her out and please her.

I am also supposed to grant her honr as a fellow heir in the grace of life. That means that I am not degrading to her. That means that I respect and honor her. I do not belittle her viewpoint because I disagree with it or because I don't understand it. I hold her in a position of respect and honor like I would my greatest hero.

[jamesglewisf]

Ephesians 5:25-26
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;
26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,How much are we supposed to love our wives? As much as Christ loved the church. While He was being reviled, He did not revile in return. While suffering, He uttered no threats. Christ loved the church to the point of death, even death on the cross. He suffered an awful crucifixion because of how much He loved us, and He set the standard for how much a man is supposed to love his wife.

Jesus died for the very people who were persecuting and killing him. Before He died, He begged, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." He went way beyond the extra mile for us, and that is the standard that we are supposed to try to live up to with our wives.

He also cleansed the church by the washing of the Word. That means that as husbands, we are supposed to help our wives to grow spiritually and to bathe them (and ourselves) in the water of the Word (the Bible). Part of loving your wife is providing an encouraging environment where she can grow spiritually.

[jamesglewisf]

So, how do you overcome a harsh mouth? How do you change years of inappropriate habits? Is it even possible? Yes, it is possible. Here are some keys to overcoming rudeness:[list=1] Know that we are without excuse.
Out with the old, in with the new.
Give the Holy Spirit a tool He can use 24/7.
Have a signal.
Find some accountability
Ask for help.
[/list=1]We'll cover each of these items in the following posts.

[jamesglewisf]

As Christians, God always gives us an escape from temptation:1 Corinthians 10:13
13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.This means that there are no new temptations. If I'm experiencing it, either someone me before has also, or someone is right now. I am not unique.

God is faithful. He is dependable. You can count on Him. If He promises it, He'll do it.

He will not allow you to be tempted beyond your ability to withstand it. He will always provide a way of escape so that you will be able to stand up under the temptation.

What does this mean? It means that if I want to stop sinning by being rude or harsh to my wife, God will give me the ability to do it. I cannot claim that I am too weak or that my ways are too ingrained. God will always provide a way for me to avoid the temptation of being rude/harsh.

[jamesglewisf]

It is important to clear out some of the trash in your brain and replace it with something cleaner, purer. Reading God's word regularly will cleanse your brain and replace the malarkey with something good and pure.

It's the old adage, "You are what you eat." 2 Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;
17 that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.Scripture is profitable or useful for teaching, reproof (rebuke), correction, and for training in righteousness. God's word provides what we need to be equipped for every good work. In other words, it gives us the power we need to do good and to overcome evil.

If you want help learning how to read God's word, read this page:

http://marriedadults.com/entertainment.htm

If you don't want to use a 1 Year Bible, get an easy-to-read translation like the "New Living Translation (NLT)" or the "New International Version (NIV)." They are much easier to read than the King James Version. Here is a list of books to start reading:

Gospel of John
1 Timothy
James
Titus
1 Corinthians
1 John
Genesis
Galatians
Ephesians
Philippians

These are easier to read and a good place to start.

[jamesglewisf]

When you memorize verses from the Bible, you give the Holy Spirit a tool that He can use 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to whop you upside the head. He can call to rememberence a verse and point you in the right direction.

The verses I gave in this thread have been very helpful to me when trying to tame my tongue:

http://www.frappydoo.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=9

Try memorizing one per week. I put them on index cards and kind of use them as flash cards. You put the reference on one side, and the reference/verse goes on the other side.

This is what the Bible says about Scripture memory:Psalm 119:9,11
9 How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word.
11 Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against You!I learned that verse and many other great ones using The Navigators Topical Memory System. It is a great system for memorizing Scripture. You can get it at christianbooks.com (http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product/30647470?item_no=33495&event=SRC).

The other thing I do is have my wife help me memorize the Scriptures. Then she and I know which ones I'm violating when I blow it.

[jamesglewisf]

My wife and I have a signal for when one of us is being harsh. We say, "That was harsh." LOL! That means that the other person stops, and whether he intended to be harsh or not, he apologizes.

[jamesglewisf]

One of the purposes of attending church is to get to know like-minded believers. Here is a verse I memorized with The Topical Memory System:Hebrews 10:24-25
24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
25 Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another-- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.The New Testament is full of "one another" passages. This is just one of them. As a community, Christians are supposed to build one another up. We do this by spending time together. We encourage one another. We hold each other accountable.

If you meet some couples that you like at church and start spending time together, your new male friends can hold you accountable when they see you being harsh with your wife. They can then encourage you to do better. You can even do something like have to give someone a buck for every time you are harsh with your wife.

Our office had something like this. One of our employees felt like she could lose weight and keep it off better if there was a competition at work. We all held each other accountable to eat well. We even weighed once a week to watch our progress.

We need community to help us grow and mature as believers. Find a Bible-believing church and get involved. Not only is it helpful, but we are commanded to in Hebrews 10:24-25 (above).

[jamesglewisf]

I John 5:14-15
14 And this is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
15 And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.What this means is that if we ask for something from God that conforms to His will, He will give it to me. Since I know it is God's will for me to love my wife, to live with her in an understanding way, and to to be gentle with her; I know that if I ask Him to help me to do this that He will.

So, pray. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just ask Him to help you be a better, more loving, more gentle husband.

[jamesglewisf]

You won't change overnight. I've been married six years, and I am still working on it. Just ask blinc, karenluvs6, or kezzer if I am still working on being gentle with my words.

I ran this by my bride, and she thought it was a pretty good start. Her encouragement was to start working on it and to not beat yourself up too much.

[jamesglewisf]

OMIGOSH. I almost forgot one of the most important things.

My wife and I have a little ritual we follow every night before we go to bed. I ask her if her slate is clean, and then she asks me if mine is. Then I pray out loud, and then she prays out loud. Our prayers are brief, nothing drawn out. I usually thank God for my sweet wife and ask Him to help me be a better husband and father.

We do not go to bed angry at each other. We don't even leave the room angry at each other. I especially don't leave the house if one of us has an unclean slate. We always make sure that we have clean slates before we part or go to sleep. If a slate is not clean, we keep talking till it is.

If she says her slate is clean, and I'm not confident of her answer, I ask, "On your word?" If she says, "On my word," and lies to me, she is in big trouble--just like I would be if I did the same. Our basis for this little routine is:Ephesians 4:26-27
26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.We do not let the sun go down on our anger.

I also like the part that says, "Be angry, and yet do not sin." It is alright to get angry in some instances, but your anger, whether it is righteous anger or not, does not give you an excuse to sin.

If you go to bed with a dirty slate, then resentment and anger will continue to build. This is not good for marriage.

[Austruck]

Why is no one else responding to this thread? I like your posts, Jim, so be encouraged by that.

My husband (married 1.5 yrs) does treat me with that kind of respect and honor ... except when he teases me. The trouble is that I have a most wicked sense of humor about most things and love a good joke or prank. But, I am very sensitive about certain things, and if he teases me in those areas, it truly hurts. (Mostly, it's my weight or looks, and jokes about other women.)

They are truly jokes on his part, not any kind of underlying problem between us. But I don't think he really understands or fathoms how his affectionate teasing could hurt me anyway. (By the way, none of my jokes are directed at him personally that way. Not that he would care!)

The trouble is that (a) he is so much more laid back than I am that he honestly couldn't imagine teasing being hurtful to him, and (b) he thinks SO highly of me that he cannot understand that I could really have any self-esteem issues in these two areas.

No matter how many times I tell him these things hurt, it continues. He's convinced it's still funny, and that deep down I find it funny, or that at least I should and someday will.

Would you categorize this as him being harsh? I don't know if I do. He's right that I should be able to just laugh it off -- in other contexts the jokes are innately VERY funny. But, part of me says that, if it is important to me for him to cease and desist, he should do it just because I've asked him to.

I don't know if we'll ever get this one straightened out. It seems so petty compared to *real* problems we could be having (hey, if this is the worst problem we face, we're doing GREAT, in my opinion). But still, I hate that awful feeling of sinking emotions whenever the teasing happens.

Got any clues on how I can be a TAD less sensitive about this? (I don't assume that I'm always right -- feelings can be wrong, I know.)

Curious for a guy's point of view (since naturally all the wimmin friends might knee-jerk agree with me),
Linda

[jamesglewisf]

I find it better to just not joke about things that are sensitive to the other person. Frankly, I don't think I would ever joke with a woman about her weight, looks, or other women. I have been blessed by growing up around lots of women, and I guess I just know better. There are so many things in life that can get a good laugh that you can still be very funny and not joke about those things.

With your husband, you shouldn't have to figure out a way to be less sensitive. Remember what I said about fine china and porcelain? It is the husband's responsibility to live with his wife in an understanding way. A husband can't shrug off Scripture and say he was only joking.

Reminder time: I'm not perfect at any of this. I still have to apologize regularly to my wife and ask for her forgiveness because of my stupid mouth.

[Austruck]

I dunno, Jim.

I agree with what you've said, but I've also come to learn (through one failed marriage and now one that I can truly appreciate as I'm growing older) that I can only really account for my own behavior, not his.

In other words, my "job" in this might be to learn how to be more forbearing. My husband grew up around boys (no sisters) and probably is used to far more rugged joking than I am. I'm not saying I shouldn't continue to ask him to stop that sort of joking, but in the meantime I feel that all I can really do is pray about it, pray for God to soften his heart about this issue, and try to be sure not to become a nag or a whiner about it.

I have never EVER read in any of your posts anything about what you think your wife ought to be working on, and I commend you for that restraint. (My husband never talks or thinks like that, either. I never hear, "Boy, I wish you were doing ___ for me.") I think there is a fine line between bringing up legitimate concerns and turning those into a reason for self-righteousness or nagging. I constantly fear crossing that line, and sometimes take the teasing silently in order not to turn into that kind of person.

I'm at a loss as to how to convey how seriously I take his teasing. I think prayer is probably the best course of action (and one that won't cross any lines!). I consider my husband my greatest blessing, and I always want him to know that by my words and behavior!

[jamesglewisf]

I agree. You can't change your spouse.

The way I figure it, we men are commanded to live with our wives in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). If we don't, our prayers will be hindered. This is an obedience issue.

So, how do you encourage obedience to Christ in your spouse? Let God do it. Pray for your husband regularly.
Encourage Bible reading by doing it yourself.
Be hospitable. Turn your home into a place that welcomes guests and then invite like-minded believers over for fellowship. This can add more accountability.All of these things will also help you in your spiritual growth and obedience issues in the forbearance realm.

The only other thing I can think of is make doubly sure you aren't teasing him about something sensitive.

[Austruck]

Precisely!

I think you've hit the nail on the head. It seems somewhat like biding my time while God thunks him about this issue, but since when does God do things on our timing anyway? Much can be learned by patiently waiting on God's timing.

No, I don't tease him about sensitive things. I can only assume that he'll eventually "get it" -- he's a great guy and it's only been a few short years so far. Meanwhile, this really is a minor issue for us. It's just that your posts in this thread caught my attention, and I kept wondering why no one had anything else to say.

I'll certainly be praying for copman and his new marriage. Those first months are a doozy of a wake-up call! ;)

Thanks again.

[keithster]

copman,

I admire your ability to reach out to find answers. I think it's easy for guys to bottle it up and try to figure it out on their own.

Just so you know that you aren't alone:

It took my wife and I the better part of 2 years to get onto the same page. I said and did a lot of selfish, hurtful things and so did she. It just wasn't not like I imagined it would be with the arguing and such. But in the end, with God's help, it's turning out better than I thought. Different, but better.

Stick with it. It does feel at times like you are losing yourself, but in actuality, God can create something even better than you would have had you not gotten married. Marriage is not like the movies, that's for certain.

Someone pointed me to this guy's ministry and highly recommended his workshops and such. I noticed that you are in the Atlanta area, as am I. They've got a marriage workshop coming up in Feb. You might want to check into it. I probably won't be there as I've got to go overseas on business in Feb some time.

http://www.intimatemarriage.org/

[keithster]

And like Jim said, we're still working on it. We've got a long way to go. :)

[blinc]

Hi Copman! I hope things are going better. It's weird about getting married. My husband and I knew each other for 7 years before we were married. Yet, once we actually did get married it changed the relationship in a way. It was weird to say the least, you'd think after being together 7 years it wouldn't have mattered but it did. Not only for us, but for many couples who get married. I think it's pretty normal to go through a period of adjustment/acceptance of a big step in life. It sounds like maybe it could be just that you two are going through that period?

The first year of marriage is rough for many couples. There's the realization that hits that you've committed your life to someone, the gettting used to being around a person more then usual... there really is a period of adjustment couples go through.

My husband often brings his work home with him too! :) I think it's only natural that we want to share what goes on in our jobs with our spouses. I'm sure you probably have to deal with things that are upsetting, to say the least. I bet with the type of job you have, you must have to act first in a lot of situations... without having the luxury to stop and think about whatever's happening. Lives may depend on your quick action. Perhaps that aspect of your job is leaking into your private life? Where you maybe immediately respond to something at home, without allowing both of you the luxury of stopping to take a moment to think of whatever you say first? My husband is a construction superintendant.... which means he's in charge of subcontractors, his own company's workers, etc. One careless mistake can costs thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars, or a worker being injured... a mistake on your job can cost a life. Keeping that in mind, it's easy to understand how it's hard for either one of you to switch to "husband" mode when you walk in the door. To let your guard against making a mistake down.

I really hope you can sit down with your wife, look her in the eye, tell her how much you love her and explain to her that you truly don't mean to hurt her feelings. That she's everything to you and anything said that is hurtful isn't intentional. If you can make her believe that, maybe that would be helpful in the future when you forget to switch off the job mode aspect of your life. When my hubby forgets to do that, it does upset me... it hurts my feelings when he talks to me like I'm one of his workers who's there to jump at his command... so I usually just stop him in the middle of something and tell him point blank what he's sounding like to me. Most of the time he truly doesn't realize how he's sounding. When he stops to think about it, then he realizes how it sounds from my end, and we start over. It still happens after being together 15 years... I understand why it happens, he understands it hurts my feelings and really does try to switch off his superintendant mode when he gets home.

Hopefully, you and your wife will find a way to work around the stresses of your job. I hope you two remember too, that it really does take awhile to get used to be married. It's great being Newlyweds, but there's a few bumps along that road too. Hoping you two find a smoother path! :)

[Debby]

I just have to say...Jim, if every man in the world thought and felt the way that you do...(not going to bed without a clean slate...and so on) their would be little if no divorce in america.

Unfortunately, most people's relationships are not that wonderful. I envy you for that. :)

Copman....all I can say, is just try really hard to show her how much you love her and to make her understand that fighting is going to be a normal part of marriage....but if you love each other, you can get over any thing...(except cheating)

Marriage is hard, very hard...but if you truley love each other, and don't want anyone else....you can make it work.

I hope I have helped some....good luck...let us know how it goes....we will be praying for you both.