Separate beds

[LisaRx]

I have a dilemma...Sort of.

What does anyone think about married couples who sleep apart? Lately, my husband is not sleeping well at night, and therefore, I'm not sleeping well. If he moves to the guest bedroom, it sort of offends me. Is this silly?

I guess that I worry about what are children, ages 4 and 6, will think--

We've been married for almost 8 yrs, and our marriage is stable, but not always blissfully happy. Is this just a phase?

[jamesglewisf]

I talked to my incredibly insightful wife about this question, and this is what we came up with. It sounds like there are possibly two things going on here:

1. If snoring is involved, use a sound machine that makes white noise. Sharper Image (http://www.sharperimage.com/) has several different models of "Sound Soothers." We have one, and they really help. If that doesn't drown out the noise enough, get ear plugs. Flents makes some called "Quiet Please" that have a 29 decibels noise reductin rating.

Snoring can make you sleep fitfully. If either one of you is snoring, you might see a specialist.

If it is just him wiggling that keeps you up, I would think you could get two twin beds and push them up next to each other. They will each have their own support. I haven't tried this, but I would think it would work.

One thing that needs to be addressed is his difficulty in sleeping. What has changed? Is there stress at work? Could there possibly be health problems? Is the bed uncomfortable? Have you flipped/rotated the mattress lately? Are your pillows too old and squishy? Has he stopped exercising? Is he staying up too late? Eliminate alcohol and caffeine in the evening. Alcohol might make you go to sleep fast, but it is a fitful sleep.

Limit the bed to two activities: sleeping and sex. Don't read, eat, watch TV, or work in bed. This will train your brain to think that laying your head on the pillow means sleeptime.

Sleep only at bedtime. Don't take naps. Go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time every day, including weekends. Try to get 8 hours of sleep. Turkey, bananas, and milk all have tryptophan that helps you sleep. Eliminate light.

Sex will definitely make him sleepy and help to relieve any stress he might have.

If he is waking up rested, than he really doesn't have a sleep problem. If he is waking up exhausted, he should see a specialist. It could be sleep apnea.

Check out this article (http://onhealth.webmd.com/conditions/resource/conditions/item%2C38733.asp) for more information.

I have a lot of health sites listed at http://findalink.net/links. Check some of them out.

2. The other issue is how are things really between you two? How do you line up on meeting each other's needs? Check out the His Needs, Her Needs (http://marriedadults.net/forum/showthread.php3?threadid=11) and make sure that you are both having your needs met. If either of you are not getting your needs met, that adds stress to the marriage. People who are anxious or depressed have trouble sleeping.

Oftentimes people who have been married over five years and have kids have eliminated important activities such as vacations, dates, conversation, sex, entertaining friends, etc. Turn off the TV and the computer and spend some time visiting.

Amy has often offered to go sleep in another room when she was antsy in bed. If he is truly offering to help you, then I wouldn't be offended. Amy agrees. That said, if it does bother you, just tell him.

That's about all I can think of. BTW, Amy and I have had to work on all of this stuff, so don't take it the wrong way.

[LisaRx]

He's having a lot of stress over his job.

He's working as a driver for a newspaper company, and 1-2 nights a week, he's driving all night, so his sleep schedule is all messed up.

We don't spend a lot of quality time together anymore, but that has a lot to do with all of the things you mentioned earlier: kids, jobs, housework, etc.

[cbreeze]

LisaRX,

Not sure if this will help your situation, but my husband has always been the kind to toss and turn, steal my covers, use me for a human pillow, smack me in the face and snore. and when I was pregnant with my second daughter, I just couldn't take all of those disruptions, so I started sleeping at the foot of the bed. At first It wasn't quite as comfortable as being at the head of the bed, but I was still in the same bed, and neither of us was offended in the process.

Anyway, just an idea....Cbreeze

[TWTCommish]

I may be only 16 years old, but I think I speak for most men (or people, for that matter) when I say that we just flat out need to be comfortable.

Have you ever been so tired that you didn't even want to talk to anyone? Best advice I can give is not to take it personally. I've had the privelage of sorts (yes, I know it sounds odd) of growing up with two parents fighting who would eventually divorce.

Yes, that is bad, but being young helped/helps me to see the problems of marriage in black and white. Men forget anniversaries, but it doesn't mean they don't care. Women tend to think Men should clean themselves up a bit, but it doesn't mean they think they're unattractive or nice to be around. I could be way off, but from what I've seen and heard growing up around 3 different marriages has shown me that if a lot of these things that come naturally to us are taken personally, problems will follow.

Good luck! :)

[Debby]

My husband and I sleep apart alot, i think this really bothers him, but I have to get up at 6 every morning to go to work, and he snores something awful, tosses and turns, steals the covers, you name it....so alot of times I end up on the couch, but it's not because I don't love him, I need my sleep!!! And he wont try anything to stop snoring, and he tosses so much he even works the pillow case off his pillow!

[Karenluvs6]

I think Jim has covered everything on this one.
It sounds like this job is what is screwing his sleep all up. That's terrible. Sleep is so vital...if you don't get it right, you'll be all messed up.
I cannot sleep without hubby at all! I mean, at all! If he even gets up to go to the bathroom, I wake up....that's pretty out there huh?
It's true though....he should really see a doctor about this problem.

[cool chic]

About once out of every month my husband and I agree that we need a good nights sleep and a little time apart. So I saddle up in the spare room or on the fold out couch in the living room (my choice!). It works out quite nice. We both wake up and greet each other with a kiss and realize how much we both missed not having each other next to us. Makes up appreciate each others company a little more!

When my daughter was first born I spent every other night in the spare bed to get some sleep. We spent more time apart in bed than together! I found that I needed my sleep and after having my daughter attached to me all day long it was nice to have my OWN time to myself. We actually got along better after being apart for a couple weeks!!

[Dude111]

My father snores which keeps my mom awake so they sleep in seperate beds...

I guess there is nothing wrong with it.. It doesnt mean they dont love each other.. (I suppose it could)

[healingtherapy]

Lisa,
Sounds like your hubby might have sleep apnea. My husband does, he uses a CPAP machine to breathe at night. Looks like Darth Vader, LOL, but it DOES improve the quality of his sleep and our marriage. He had to have a sleep study done by referral from his doctor. His apnea is very severe, they figured out that he stopped breathing more than 40X an hour during the night, not very restful. So a suggestion have hubby talk to his dr about his sleep problems, he may have an undiagnosed problem. Snoring is not a good thing when your not getting well rested. Hope this helps.

[healingtherapy]

We also have a fan running in the bedroom to cover the sound of his machine. I'm so used to it now that I can't sleep w/o the fan running. So the white noise that was mentioned earlier we utilize our self so we can sleep.