how do u know if ex wants to get back together

[jodyb_72401]

My ex wife just told me the other day she wants to get back together. We have a 2 year old doughter that we both love very much. we have been seporated for a year and half. But she doesn't want to give up her single life right now. I have our doughter this weekend and she said she was going to come by and see us if she can get away from her friends. but she hasn't showed up. I am willing to do what ever it takes to make it work. but she doesn't want to give up her new friends that i have never met. And i know most of her friends are other men. I know that is where she spends her time when i haver our doughter. She saids she wants to be married and be with me but not right now. And i don't want to push it but it isn't a very good feeling knowing your wife is out with other men

[jamesglewisf]

Jody, that sounds pretty hoky to me. Marriage is about monogamy. It is forsaking all others. My wife does not spend time alone with any other men, and I don't spend time alone with any other women. That eliminates even the possibility of unfaithfulness.

It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I would tell her to come back when she is serious (in a polite and respectful way).

I'm real sorry you are going through this. It must be really tough.

[jodyb_72401]

how long do u wait for them to make thier mind up, and get on with your life. I just got where i didn't think about here all the time. then she tells me this.

[blinc]

I'm thinking that's the key Jody, right there in what you said. "I just got where i didn't think about here all the time. then she tells me this".

You were just beginning to move on with your life, when she put this "offer" on the table. To me, it sounds like she sensed or somehow knew you were moving on and putting a distance between yourself and her.

She doesn't want to quit seeing other men... she doesn't come and vist her daughter... she doesn't want to give up her single life right now... she wants to be married and with you, but not right now? Yet, she made that offer.

The question that keeps running through my head is why would she make that offer, if she doesn't want to give up her single lifestyle? The only thing I can come up with is that she's using you. That's just MY thoughts on that, and I sure hope I'm wrong. I just can't help but feel that she wants the life of a single woman, but wants to keep you in her back pocket, for an emergency. So, when she sensed you slipping away from her, she comes back with that offer... to keep you interested. I'm really sorry, but that's honestly what it looks like from this end... I know that probably hurts you - but I think maybe you're looking for someone to be a little blunt right now? I hope I didn't offend you... I'm not trying to be hurtful.

If that is what she's doing, then I can't tell you just how much of a wretched thing I think that is, to do to another human being! That's an enormous act of selfishness and shows a complete lack of caring about YOU and what she's doing to your emotional well being.

I'll be honest and tell you I've met several women in my life who have done that to men. It stinks! Gives women a bad name.

Could be totally wrong over here! Just telling you what it looks like from eyes that have seen some hurtful things done to people.

I'm so sorry for the pain you must be in. I can't fathom how much this must be hurting you and your little girl both. I hope you do move on and start making a new life for you and your daughter. You both deserve happiness and love in your lives... maybe it's time to look elsewhere to find it. Or at least, make it clear that game time is over for your wife and she needs to make a decision. It's not just your happiness that's at stake anymore. Your little girl could be scarred emotionally by the games your wife is playing with her love.

I'm truly hoping you find real love and happiness in your life soon.

[blinc]

You know a friend and I were just talking last week about "making assumptions"... I really try not to, but in this instance, because of the limited info., I did indeed make assumptions. A BIG one at that! :)

The big one I made was, that the reason you two divorced in the first place, was because she had that attitude in your marriage as well, and that was what led to the divorce. By my just assuming that her behavior caused the divorce, it led me to perhaps be too hard on her. If it was the cause, then I think I'll have to pretty much stand on what I said in the last post. If it wasn't... then there may be reasons for her actions now, that I'm not aware of, and really couldn't offer you a good opinion.

Geesh! I really am kicking myself over here for just assuming what I did.

[jamesglewisf]

I guess I would need a few questions answered before I could give you an answer:
Are you a Christian?
Is she a Christian?
What was the reason for the divorce? Irreconcilable differences? Adultery? Abuse? Something else?
Who filed for the divorce?If these are too personal, there is no need to answer.

[blinc]

Looks like we had the same thoughts at the same time Jim. Like what Jim said Jody - if some things are just too painful or awkward for you to talk about, then that's cool... we aren't trying to be nosey - it's just that it's hard to offer good advice when we don't know the whole story.

Ok, I'll shut up now. :)

[Austruck]

I'd recommend James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." They have it in book form and in cassette if you'd rather just listen to the panel discussion of the same topic.

It's a good book for this type of situation because it forces the one who's waffling to put up or shut up. If you're separated and not divorced (which is how I read your first post), then, for whatever reason that happened, if she's the one still waffling, she needs to know clearly that she needs to choose which side of the door she's on.

If there is work to be done on the marriage, and she desires that, it won't be done while one of you is still living like a single person. You can remain separated and still begin to reconcile, but not if she is seeing other men. The exclusivity is the first step. Then, the other healings can come.

But, the love you show her now has to be pointed in one direction -- is she with you or not?

I'll let the book or tape tell the rest. They are well worth the investment, trust me. Cleared my head but good a few years ago!

Best wishes for ya,
Linda

[jodyb_72401]

well for all of ya'll that wondered about our devorce we are seporated, for the past year and half. it was when our baby was just about a year old, I just transfered to a new job and new town. She jsut picked me up from work one afterrnoon and said she wanted a devorce. we both did alot to hurt each other during this time being young. We both made mistakes in the marriagae. She lets me see the baby when every i want and i watch the baby when ever she needs me too, we get along pretty good. for the baby. I know when we were married having a baby and all and me working we didn't have much time together. And she was sick of sitting at home all the time with the baby. She came over today, and stayed for about 2 hours. and told me she loved me it has beeen along time since i head that. But then again she is out with her friends again tonight. Ande she wants to stay over at my house tommorrow night. I know i still love her and do what ever it takes but then again i don't want to feel the hurt like before. sorrry have to go for now the baby is running a fever and not sleeping to good

[jamesglewisf]

Man, that is tough. I wouldn't let her move back in if she is just going to go out at night with her friends and without you.

If it is more than a night out with her friends, if she were actually being unfaithful, I probably would divorce her. I believe that it is morally OK to divorce in those instances. But even beyond the moral issues, you are at risk of catching an STD if she has been unfaithful.

I don't believe in divorce, except in cases of adultery, but there are basically three options:

1. Divorce
2. Stay married but distant
3. Restore the marriage

I don't even consider number 1. Number 2 sounds like a lifetime of emptiness. Number 3 is very hard work, but it has a lifetime of reward. It is possible to overcome a marriage full of hurting each other. The question remaining is how do you restore a marriage when your spouse is acting so goofy. I'm not sure outside of counseling. A counselor can kind of be the unaffiliated third party that brings sense to chaos. The counselor can say, "No, that is not how a marriage operates," and it is not coming from you.

I guess that is about the best advice I can give you. I'm really sorry you are going through this.