I fell in love using internet

[coralito29]

Ive been married for seven years now, and suddenly
we got caught by the daily routine,one day I was
using my icq and I met this nice guy, we have been
talking for a while and I feel something special.

The problem is that my husband became suspicious
and started checking my personal mails and programs
on my computer and now he knows,my life is an
inferno since that day and I know that I shouldnt
talk to him but I want to.


please give me some advice
thanyou
coralito29

[blinc]

Don't want you to think no one had seen this thread yet. This is such a serious problem, that I think it deserves better advice then what I could come up with this evening. (tuckered out over here). Hopefully, someone a little more alert will be coming along... just didn't want you to think we were ignoring you. :)

[Freezerwaffle]

Something that comes to my mind is something my pastor said that I took to heart:

"When you start thinking the grass is greener on the other side, WATER YOUR OWN GRASS!"

That means, instead of looking outside your marriage for a "fix", turn off the computer & put your heart into your marriage!

I'm sure others here have more eloquent advice but that's what came to mind. I hope you are ready & willing to take their advice & not just do what you want to do anyway.

Peace - Heidi

[jamesglewisf]

I recommend cancelling your internet access and selling the computer.

Remove all temptation and work on your relationship with your husband.

Here is why--One day the relationship with the new guy will grow stale, and you'll be on the internet looking for someone to chat with again. It is not greener on the other side of the fence.

Show your commitment to your husband by getting offline and ditching the computer.

[Karenluvs6]

are you having marriage problems?...I ask this because normally married folks develop feelings for others when they are having problems at home. I'm no marriage counselor, that is just my opinion.
I personally don't think you should have allowed yourself to get that close to another man...even if it is just on the internet.
I know this couple....known them for years.
They were married 22 yrs. and just got divorced 8 months ago because of a relationship that the wife developed online. It was the saddest thing I had ever seen in my life!
Your husband has the right to be angry and I think that deep down inside, you know that too.
I don't mean to sound harsh...I'm sure there are good reasons for whatever is happening with you...but you are the only one who can fix it ya know. :)

We're all right here for ya!

[kezzer]

It seems like there are becoming more and more marriages being broken up by internet use. My Uncle and Aunt, who had been married since I was a little girl, just got divorced recently, because she found someone in a chat room. It's reaaly quite sad. I agree with James on this, get rid of the temptation.

[Karenluvs6]

I'm not so sure getting rid of the computer is the only answer. I mean yes, it's a great idea....but getting rid of the computer is not going to make the problem go away. It will just prevent Coralito from acting on temptation...It's the temptation that needs to be taken away. Take away the desire to look to another man.
There is a reason why Coralito started talking to this other man in the first place...and they need to find out 'together' what that reason is.
You should be able to flee temptation on your own without getting rid of the computer.

this is just my opinion. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

[jamesglewisf]

Opinions are what FrappyDoo is for. No offence taken.

I agree in theory Karen, but it doesn't always seem to work that way. That is why they don't recommend for alcoholics to hang out in bars. An alcoholic can go to a bar and drink a Coke, but why put yourself in a position where you might get into trouble?

It's why I don't spend time alone with other women. It's not that my wife doesn't trust me; it's that I don't trust myself. I know that I am possible of just about anything. This way I have removed the possibility of adultery.

Another reason to get rid of the computer is so you are spending more time with your spouse. I've even cut back at FrappyDoo and other boards since Valentine's day. I'm spending most of my evenings visiting with my bride and playing with my daughter instead of hanging out here. I don't even take my laptop out of the bag. I don't want to spend more time here than with my wife.

It might sound radical to ditch the computer, but sometimes it takes something radical to jolt you back to reality; and the reality is that adultery is awful.

This is a strange coincidence. Last night Amy and I watched a movie called Hope Floats. It showed the devastation that adultery can cause in a marriage and in a family. It was just heartbreaking.

[blinc]

Originally posted by Karenluvs6
There is a reason why Coralito started talking to this other man in the first place...and they need to find out 'together' what that reason is.[/i]

I'm with Karen on this thought, darn good advice I think. Temptation surrounds us all at one point or another, but what makes some of us act on it and some not? For me... I don't act on it, because I love my husband so much, I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. It's not worth even "flirting" if it risks losing the faith he places in me everyday... I think Karen may be on to something when she suggests that there is a reason why Coralito felt the need to go outside her marriage... was there something missing that this guy offered? Not saying if there was, that makes it ok to get involved with someone else, just trying to figure out why.

If there was, have you been able to talk to your husband about why you felt the need to turn to someone else? Has he forgiven you? Do you really want to make your marriage work, or are you giving up on it?

Hope you don't mind the questions Caralito... just trying to figure out what's going on in your head and heart. :)

[jamesglewisf]

Originally posted by jamesglewisf
Remove all temptation and work on your relationship with your husband.I just want to reiterate the second half of my recommendation -- "work on your relationship with your husband."

I doubt that coralito29 made a conscious decision to look for something that was missing in her marriage. That's the whole premise of the "His Needs, Her Needs" book that was discussed in one of FrappyDoo's first threads. A need isn't being met, and by coincidence, someone comes along who starts meeting that need. Most affairs don't start by some brazen person looking to throw away his/her marriage. They start because some nice man/woman at work listened to you when you were feeling down. It starts that innocently, but it either ends in renewing your commitment to your marriage or in adultery.

This is the point where you either recognize what is missing in your marriage and go fix it, or it is the point where you discard the man you committed your life to and run off with some person who doesn't mind committing adultery in the name of "love."

I vote for working on the marriage as Karen and blinc have said.

[Debby]

I have to say I agree with Karen....getting rid of the computer is not the answer. Yes...it might take temptation away, as far as online romance is concerned.....but what about in the workplace, or wherever? ....

The problem is not the intenet...it is the relationship...and getting at the heart of the problem is the key.

I personally think he should not have been going through your personal files on the computer to begin with...but since he did...and has now confronted you with it...maybe now is a good time to tell him what exactly you are feeling is missing in your relationship...and why you felt compelled to seek comfort with an online relationship.

If he really loves you, he will try to work this out....not cast judgement. Let us know how it goes.

[jamesglewisf]

I think I need to explain myself better.

The problem is not the internet. The problem is that instead of working on the relationship with her husband, when the opportunity presented itself to get close to another man, coralito29 chose the latter.

But here is the deal: for her husband, the internet is going to reprsent the singles bar. Instead of working on the boredome of the relationship, coralito29 found excitement elsewhere. Now if I told you that I still loved you and wanted to work on our relationship, but that I was going to spend my spare time at singles bars; would you be OK with it? If I told you that I still loved you and wanted to work on our relationship, but that I was going to spend my spare time in chat rooms; would you be OK with it?

Getting rid of the internet will not fix their marriage. Working on the marriage will fix the marriage. Getting rid of the internet will "show your commitment to your husband."

When I said "remove the temptation" I meant the temptation to talk to this supposedly nice guy on ICQ. It is a way of cutting off the relationship with the guy she met on the internet.

All of that said, however, you obviously don't have to get rid of a computer to work on your marriage.

[Debby]

Jim, I can certainly understand what you are saying. But I also think that comparing the internet to a singles bar may be alittle much...but then, maybe not....I am still contemplating that one.

[jamesglewisf]

The purpose of that comparison was to illustrate how her husband would now view her time spent on the Internet.

If I had an online relationship, I'm not sure how my wife would ever trust me to be online again. She might eventually, but it would take a lot of time. That's why if that happened to me (and Lord willing it never will), I would ditch the computer. It would be a sign of my recommitment.

But once again, ditching the computer won't fix the marriage.

[Alec]

Originally posted by Debby
I personally think he should not have been going through your personal files on the computer to begin with...but since he did...and has now confronted you with it...maybe now is a good time to tell him what exactly you are feeling is missing in your relationship...and why you felt compelled to seek comfort with an online relationship.I'm guessing that was just a poor choice of words. Having a boring and routine marriage does not compel anyone to seek comfort with an online relationship. Nothing can compel you to do anything, other than possibly me holding a gun to your head. If you have a problem with your marriage, and you choose to seek comfort outside of your marriage; then that is a choice you make. You are not compelled to do it.

Her husband can share the blame for a boring and routine marriage, but nothing he did compelled her to seek comfort online. We cannot implicate her husband for her choice to be unfaithful. That's blaming the victim instead of the perpetrator. He did not compell her to do anything. That's like the rapist blaming his victim's short skirt for his actions. (I'm not equating an online romance with rape. It's an example.) She might have thought she felt compelled, but she wasn't compelled. She chose.

Even if you seek comfort from your spouse and get none (which is not what she said happened), you are not compelled to seek it elsewhere. You might be tempted to do so, but tempted does not equal compelled.

When you do something wrong, you need to admit it and accept full responsibility for it. The best thing to say is, "I should not have developed a relationship with this guy on ICQ. I'm sorry. I have cut it off completely. Will you forgive me in time?" Then if her husband says, "Why did you do it?" her response should be "Our marriage got boring and routine. Instead of working on our marriage like I should have, I did this awful thing. I don't know if you can every forgive me, but I hope you will." That's still accepting the guilt.

That's how you apologize. You don't apologize by telling why you did it. You apologize by saying that what you did was wrong. If an explanation is asked for, then you explain the events that lead up to it, but emphasize that you still could have chosen otherwise.
Originally posted by Debby
If he really loves you, he will try to work this out....not cast judgement. Let us know how it goes.That's easy to say, but if it were my wife who fell in love with some guy on ICQ, I don't think it would be very easy to just forgive her. If it were my wife who fell in love with some guy on ICQ, I'm pretty sure I would be casting judgment. I don't mean condemning her to hell; I mean condemning her actions. The fact that he does love her is what's going to make him so mad and hurt. If he didn't love her, he would probably care less if she left him.

[Debby]

Sorry I used the word "compeled". When I post my feelings on here, I do not expect them to be quoted....and when they are, I guess I realize the mistakes I have made in my own opinions....sorry.

[Debby]

By the way.......since I am being quoted....i would like to defend myself.....by feeling compelled to seek comfort elsewhere (like as in the internet) I did NOT mean that what she was doing was right....or that anyone was holding a gun to her head.....(get real) I just meant that obviously she felt something was horribly wrong with her marriage....and that her needs as a woman were not being met...and I DO NOT mean sexually....as you will most likely be inclined to think! Excuse me for having an opinion, but the words I chose, may have not been exactly what I meant them to be, but I did not mean in it a bad way!

[Alec]

Originally posted by Debby
By the way.......since I am being quoted....i would like to defend myself.....by feeling compelled to seek comfort elsewhere (like as in the internet) I did NOT mean that what she was doing was right....or that anyone was holding a gun to her head.....(get real) I just meant that obviously she felt something was horribly wrong with her marriage....and that her needs as a woman were not being met...and I DO NOT mean sexually....as you will most likely be inclined to think! Excuse me for having an opinion, but the words I chose, may have not been exactly what I meant them to be, but I did not mean in it a bad way! I tried to be careful and put a disclaimer about "poor choice of words" at the beginning of my post.

It's alright to have an opinion. It's even alright to have a differing opinion.

Here's the problem--in a discussion forum, all I can address is what you said. To me the word "compel" absolves her of guilt. If coralito29 or someone else comes along and reads that coralito29 felt "compelled" to seek comfort on the internet by what she described as a marriage "caught by the daily routine," then that is sending the wrong message in my opinion.

I feel that when coralito29 talks to her husband about having a dull marriage, she needs to talk about working on it--not about the other guy. I feel that when she talks to her husband about this other guy, she needs to stick to the fact that what she did was wrong and not give an excuse for it. IMO, if in her apology she talks about what was wrong with the marriage, then she is not really apologizing. She is offering an excuse for her inappropriate behavior.

I don't believe that you feel anyone was holding a gun to her head. I know what you mean by her needs not being met. I didn't think you agreed with her actions. I apologize if my post implied that. It was not my intent.

[Debby]

I'm sorry if I reacted defensively....i just felt you didn't understand my comments and were trying to make them seem other than they were....guess I should just shut up. sorry

[Alec]

I'm sorry right back at you. I wish I had worded it better so that you hadn't felt attacked. I hope everything is OK with us.

[Debby]

Yes, everything is okay, I was just a little bit grumpy last night and felt the need to defend myself on what I had posted. No problem :)