Karenluvs6
02-20-2001, 08:30 AM
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
These companies target the elderly and make them think they
will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see
any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
********
What did the papa buffalo say to the baby buffalo before he
went to work? "Bison."
********
Husband's note to his wife: "Your doctor called, Pabst Beer
is normal."
********
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my
husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked
if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the
back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said,
"Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied
the contents, and replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
********
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the
roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play." The
croupier suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she
puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and as the ball settles into the 41 slot
the woman falls over into a dead faint.
********
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Miss-ouri lent Mississi-ippi her New Jersey. What did
Dela-ware...? Da-kota!
********
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do
guests attend. During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the
back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners at
work, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other leaped up,
spun about, and gracefully swirled, dancing beautifully.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the hostess, "That man is
such a talented dancer, I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate
his dancing before my aerobics class!"
When the hostess asked the first gardener about such an arrangement,
he yelled, "Hey Louie! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could
step on that rake again?"
********
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try
the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence
as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man,"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS."
[t]I like that one!! {toothy}
********
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Finally, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was
talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
********
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
********
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I
see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the
father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
********
Have a wonderful day!
These companies target the elderly and make them think they
will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see
any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
********
What did the papa buffalo say to the baby buffalo before he
went to work? "Bison."
********
Husband's note to his wife: "Your doctor called, Pabst Beer
is normal."
********
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my
husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked
if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the
back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said,
"Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied
the contents, and replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
********
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the
roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play." The
croupier suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she
puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and as the ball settles into the 41 slot
the woman falls over into a dead faint.
********
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Miss-ouri lent Mississi-ippi her New Jersey. What did
Dela-ware...? Da-kota!
********
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do
guests attend. During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the
back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners at
work, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other leaped up,
spun about, and gracefully swirled, dancing beautifully.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the hostess, "That man is
such a talented dancer, I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate
his dancing before my aerobics class!"
When the hostess asked the first gardener about such an arrangement,
he yelled, "Hey Louie! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could
step on that rake again?"
********
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try
the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence
as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man,"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS."
[t]I like that one!! {toothy}
********
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Finally, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was
talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
********
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
********
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I
see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the
father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
********
Have a wonderful day!