More advice please

[jodyb_72401]

Man why does life have to be so complocated. I feel bad about what i told me exwifwe yesterday. I feel better since i said what i felt but i feel like i gave up on our life together. But i would like to feel important to her. Enery time i ask her to do something she allready has plans, but I try make time for her when ever she needs or want somehting. I don't want to pressure her into trying to work on stuff but I need more then words. I love her but don't feel like she loves me as much as i love her. My mom would more then likely disowne me if we did get back together but i would still work on our marrage and don't care what anyone else thinks. Becouse i know i love her. But I feel like i acted permaturely yesterday when I said I couldn't work on our relationship like this. I want to take things slow and right. She said I am to fer ahead of her (I feel the same way some times) then again I feel like I am hurt real bad when she would reather spend time witrh her friends then me. I don't know if I am being selfissh jealiuos or what. I jsut want to hold her and make everything better. But scared to show her how I really feel becouse I am so scared of getting hurt again. ( WHO EVER SIAD LOVE HURTS KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT)Know since i told her that i feel real bad like i gaver up. And i never give up on anything. I just want to feel like i am important to her, and i don't feel that way right know. I can say what i feel on here but whne i am with her i just can't mangage to say what i want and nothing comes out right. I have been thinking aboiut telling her about this site, but don't know if it is a good ideal she might get mad about the stuff i wright here. ( does this make any sense to anyone else) U know i was thinking the other day if i was like jsut me and one other person on the woeld i would want it to be her. I really don't know why i love her but i know i love her more then anything else. It has been along time since we have been together it has been over a year. And i have dated a little But I still think about her. She has told me things in the past couiple of days, that she hasn't talked about with me before like what has been going on with her since we seporated, and i hold nothing against her alot of it hurts whne she tells me but niothng we can't work out. But all in all i guesse I just need to fell loved from her> she has told me she loved her but her action to me don't say that. Thanks for reading this again. And should I tell her about this site so she can read it or not tell her. She knows i have writing on here but didn't tell her the site. And did i give up to soon? So i try to supress my feeling and try to work things out? Is counseling worth A try? But since i wrote this it just pop in my head love is worth anythign. (but still looking forward to hearing from anyone that wants to reply} thanks talk to everone later

[Austruck]

Jody,

You NEEEED to read James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." Or, you can get tapes to listen to, too, if you don't have time to sit and read something.

What you need to understand is this: In a separation situation, there is usually one party of the two who is MUCH farther along in wanting to be out of the marriage, and the other party (usually the innocent party) has a hard time catching up with what's happening.

This happens because the one who wants out has usually been planning it or wanting it for a long time but hasn't been saying enough about it, so it's more of a surprise for the one who wants to keep working on the marriage. So, to you it feels as if you've given up too soon. To her, it probably seems like you're hanging on too long (except when she likes to pull your strings and lead you on over and over again).

Another thing you need to understand is this: If your goal is to hold on to someone who thinks they want out, the worst thing you can do is hold on tight. They feel that as strangling and suffocating. (This is the main point of Dobson's book, but he says it SO much better.)

In other words, if your mate feels caged in the marriage and desperately wants to fly away, the best chance you can give your marriage in a situation like that is to OPEN THE CAGE DOOR and let the person go. Let her experience the "grass is always greener" for real for a while.

That HAS to include YOU being strong. That doesn't mean you closing the cage door and refusing to allow her back. But it HAS to mean you regaining enough self-esteem to stop initiating contact with her and trying to win her back. To her that seems like you are weak, and weakness is not attractive. (If you had acted weakly when you two first met and started dating, she wouldn't have fallen for you. It must have been some of your strengths that drew her to you.)

Your attitude has to be this: "You can stay or go, that's your decision. I can't make you stay. But, if you stay, we CLOSE the door. If you go, you can't keep peeking back inside, either. I'll be keeping busy and doing what I have to do for the children while you are gone, but I can't sit here waiting for the phone to ring either."

So, don't tell her you've given up. But, MAKE HER initiate everything from this point on.

The game she's playing with you is happening precisely because the moment you put your foot down, you show her STRENGTH and she finds that not only appealing, but scary because you're forcing her to live with her own decisions. That's ALL you're doing, so remember that. You're not abandoning the marriage -- she is. You're merely making sure she understands what life would be like if she refuses to give up her male friends. You're giving her enough information to make the right decision.

By constantly crawling back to her, she never suffers consequences for her actions. And, those consequences are the ONLY thing that will make the marriage work LONG TERM. You need to think LONG TERM. The goal isn't to get her back TODAY, but to get her back FOREVER. If you give in to a demand TODAY in order to get her home sooner, but compromise what you know is right, the marriage will fail at a later time all over again.

If you don't settle this the right way now, it will surely happen again. Just getting her back in the door (but holding a grudge against you) will only delay the inevitable. If she comes back without having seen what life without you is truly like, she'll always convince herself that you MADE her come back and that you RUINED her life.

It's far better that she make this decision on her own, freely, so that any marriage you do end up having will be far stronger.

Again, get a hold of Dobson's book or tapes. I'm sure Amazon.com has them. And, if you REALLY can't find them or afford them, email me. I can probably lend you my copy (I have both the tape and the book).

Sorry this was so long, but I see you getting into this vicious cycle of giving in and standing strong, and it won't stop unless you understand what the real goal is and how to get there.

Blessings always,
Linda

[jodyb_72401]

I went and got the book today and started to read it it is pretty good and seems to have some good advice in it> H e is so right i tried just about everything he wrote when we first seporated. ( a year ago) and when i got strong again she seemed to know it. Then when i told her i couldn't handle her ways take it or leave it. But i am starting to understand alittle better. I should say i will have to leave it. And be strong about it. He really writes good in the book and think i understand what he is saying. I am still going to try and do what is right. And move on wiht my life. And if she wants to move on with me she is more then welcome to but if she doesn't then that is her choice but she can't have her cake and ice cream both. If she chosse the cake(that would be me) I will do what ever it takes to make things right but if she chooses the ice creame( that being her male friends) if the ice cream melts she is the one left with sticky hands. I am just on page 75 but it is reallly good and think i am going to have to read it more then once to understand it better. But it was worth the money. Thank u so much for telling me about the book. hope to talk to u agian. thank u so much

[Austruck]

I am SO glad you're getting something out of that book. I actually found it HARD to deal with at first because at the time I wasn't ready to give up on my marriage. (I was still in the begging and pleading stage. Little did I know that my begging him to give "her" up only sickened him because it reinforced his idea that I was whiney and weak!)

When I got stronger and realized that he shouldn't live in the same house with me and call her on the phone and sneak out to see her, I asked him to move out till he decided what he wanted. He actually asked me to let him stay so that I could help him get over her! That was very tempting to say "yes" to, but I told him that HE was the one who had let another woman into our marriage, and so HE had to be the one to get her out.

He did move out, and during the time we were thinking things over, he'd call me and sometimes literally cried on the phone, saying he wasn't sure he could sign divorce papers and didn't like sleeping in a strange apartment (it was about a mile away, and "she" helped pick it out for him).

I finally put my foot down one last time, saying if he wasn't going to stop seeing her (he saw her every single day after he moved out), then I was ready to sign the papers.

And I did. And, so did he. If he had dumped her and come back and wooed me, I'd have listened, and I told him that too. But once I made it *his* problem and made *him* take care of it without hurting me all the time, he made it clear that he didn't have any intention of truly changing.

So, in my case, the "tough love" didn't save my marriage. But it did save my emotions and self-esteem. It also saved me a world of heartache if I had continued to go through that cycle of hurt and forgive, hurt and forgive, hurt and forgive. He told me outright that he could have lived like that indefinitely!

Those lessons did come in handy. I've since remarried a wonderful man, and we both know where the boundaries are and appreciate our roles.

You should find a close male friend or two with whom you can "vent" freely and without being judged. This will be a big struggle for a while. You'll keep second-guessing all your decisions, and you WILL blame yourself, trust me! Just don't let that thought take hold for TOO long, okay? Reread the book. Dobson is a solid guy.

Blessings,
Linda