When to Talk About Sex?

[TWTCommish]

Alright, here's one for all you parents: when do you tell your children about sex?

My parents' policy is to tell them as soon as they can understand it...my 7 year old sister has known the basics of it for at least a year now (might be more)...

The reasoning behind this method is that if you wait until later they'll take a lot of interest in it, it'll be more shocking, and more akward. Being 5 or 6 they'll accept it easily and without disbelief, since they're still young, and they'll simply grow up understanding it, avoiding a weird "birds and the bees talk" later...although of course something like that will still be necessary to a degree.

Any thoughts? I was told at a young age but still had to have a run-through of things with my dad around a year ago - akward for sure, but it had to happen and I think I'm a better person for it.

[41mama]

Well, I remember my ds asking me when he was maybe 3 about sex. (He's five now.) I said, "It's when grownups who are married kiss and do private things." I went through it in more detail when I was pregnant when he was four, but I'm still hesitant to be really specific because when my stepdaughter was five she shocked another mother by discussing sex very accurately on the playground with another little five year-old. I guess it's like anything else around this stuff -- you teach them that it's private and you don't discuss it with all your little friends. DS is going through the fascination with talking about his body though in a rather silly way and I'm hoping he'll grow out of it a little before we go through it all again. Christie

[jamesglewisf]

I'd say the earlier the better. Sure, you are going to explain it differently to a 5 year-old than to a 15 year-old. But it's never too early to start explaining that sex is for married mommies and daddies.

[In_His_Shadow]

I remember when my oldest daughter was about 4 or 5 and we were driving one day and she asked me about a part of the female anatomy. I remember thinking oh boy this is it. I'm going to do differently than my mother and be open and honest and explain it to her from an early age. I was so excited and started in explaining it to her as I was driving. I was feeling so proud of myself and thinking what a wonderful moment. I happened to look over at her and by the look on her face I could see she had zoned out. I asked her did she understand what I was explaining to her. Her response was I just wanted to know what it was called.

So my advice would be that sometimes they just want a simple answer and as in my case I was so excited to get it right that I was giving more than than she wanted or needed at that time.

Later it arose again and we did have that talk. But, it was when she was ready to hear and preceive it better.

CJ

[blinc]

Great thought provoking topic TWTCommish!

We don't have children, but growing up I sure wish my parents had been more open about it. I wasn't told anything for way too long... which made it really awkward, to say the least, when I hit puberty. Then my father tried to explain things. That didn't work out very well, because he was so embarrassed at having to tell me what I was going through that he couldn't even look at me. It was a mess!

Everything I heard was from freinds and some of those stories, oh my - for a long time I thought you could get pregnant if a boy kissed you on the ear. A LOT of silly things. I couldn't agree more about explaining sex at an early age. It could prevent a lot of confusion, misinformation and embarrassment when the subject comes up between peers and playmates.

[dreuby]

One morning my son asked if I'd seen the weather forecast. I'm not a morning person, and getting 3 kids ready for school leaves me muddled anyway, so I just recited the forecast from memory "Scattered showers and sunny periods". About 10 minutes later my daughter suddenly said "Mum, what are periods?" What a time to pick, I thought. I was just about to launch into an explanation when I realised she was talking about the weather forecast!

[41mama]

We're taking our family to Disneyland next week. We'd been there once before, but I was pregnant with my ds, so needless to say he doesn't remember much of it. My stepdaughter isn't going on this trip and she keeps insisting that ds went with us when we took her six years ago. So anyway. DS told the librarian that he was going to Disneyland and that he'd been there before "But I was in my mom's uterus then." Christie

[In_His_Shadow]

Outta the mouth of babes. You gotta love em'

CJ

[theyeti]

*bump* *bump*

(It needed two since it's so old.)

What does everyone think now? How early? And what kinds of things do you say early as opposed to later?

Just for the sake of providing a counterexample, my parents never really told my anything, at least as far back as I can remember.... and I'd like to think I turned out OK. {dizzy} (You can make your own judgments on that.) But I do think I would've been better off had I not been forced to rely on tv and internet and the playground for this sort of information.

[theyeti]

Right on cue there be an article in USAWeekend about this...

http://usaweekend.com/04_issues/040104/040104healthsmart.html

1. Stop.
Before approaching your child, take a good, long look in the mirror. Little antennae have picked up the "vibes" you give off regarding sex. Take an inventory of your behaviors.

What are your entertainment habits? At home, is your television viewing age-appropriate? What about your reading materials? And the Web sites you surf? Are you a night owl on the party scene? Do you frequent locations you would disapprove of for your children?

How are your relations with other adults? Even though they can't verbalize it, kids are hurt when they see adults in abusive relationships. For one thing, it distorts a child's image of what a "normal" adult relationship is. Here's one of my favorite sayings: "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to show love and respect to their mother." Your kids need to know that you are attracted to each other, enjoy each other's company and have a special tie unlike any other relationship. Do this and you teach the prototype of a healthy, loving relationship for them to carry into the future. Definitely, you can't partake in certain behaviors and then try and teach your kids the opposite, I feel. If you want to do risky things, that's great but teach your kids about them and in what ways they're ok!
2. Look.
Now look for opportunities to discuss sex. Don't wait too long. I recommend that discussions occur by age 10 or 12. Not bringing up the subject suggests the topic is "taboo," and kids will feel increasingly uncomfortable discussing any sex-related topic with you.

Have "the talk." If you feel less than competent, don't fret: Several groups offer good guides. Pick one that reflects your attitudes and beliefs about sex. Also, consider taking your child to a seminar; it will put you on equal footing, allowing you to take turns talking and listening. Ask your pediatrician or religious leader what's available. If you're willing to spend time researching, you'll find the library has a wealth of information.

Look for everyday opportunities. Experts agree that kids need to hear the message repeatedly. And don't just repeat anatomy lessons; express your opinions, your aspirations for your children and your expectations of their behavior. Teens need to hear regularly that the decision to have sex is not to be taken lightly -- that sex should involve love and commitment. Monitor their activities (we'll call this the "covert caring" part of the program). Lots of teen TV shows, movies, Web sites, musical acts and periodicals send out confusing or misleading messages about sex. Explore how kids feel about what they've seen, read or heard.Good, but I'm getting to the point where soon I will be fed up with parents who want to teach their kids only certain things, those that pertain to their own personal beliefs. Let people decide for themselves. Especially if you don't feel sex ed is something that should be handled by the school, then you've got a duty to teach your kid EVERYTHING, unless you want tv and computers to do the work for you.
3. Listen.
In high school, I often came home to find my buddies there -- not to see me, but to ask my mother for advice about girls and life! Her advice was measured and reflected her own solid moral values, but it was given in such a way that my friends felt they were having a conversation, not getting a lecture.

Work on this skill. It pays off. In a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, researchers found that teens were less likely to have sex if they thought their mothers were against it. Be clear about your feelings, consistent in your approach and open to listening when your kids have questions. When you do, they'll make better choices.
I would think that having someone other than a parent to talk to is definitely a plus. So, if there's a trusted neighbor or relative or clergy or whatever that you (as a parent) have confidence in, I'd say encourage your kids to talk to that person about any questions they might have if they don't feel comfortable talking to you.

[jamesglewisf]

http://www.local6.com/family/2749736/detail.html

Here's a clueless parent.A Detroit-area father faces criminal sexual conduct charges for allegedly allowing his 15-year-old daughter to have sex with a man, according to police.

Police say the sexual activity took place in the fall when the father allowed his daughter's boyfriend, Ronald Gossage, to stay with them for at least 10 days in the family's home.

"He allowed the suspect to sleep in the same bed as his 15-year-old daughter. There's also statements from them that he provided condoms," said Lt. Dan Kolke of the Fraser, Mich., Police Department.

The father had apparently approved of his daughter having sex with Gossage, whom he thought was 18, but when he later found out Gossage was 20 years old, he became upset, television station WDIV reported.

"The father believed that the suspect was only 18 years old having sex with his 15-year-old daughter. He then found out that the suspect was actually 20 years old," said Kolke.

The teen's father went to Fraser police to file a complaint against Gossage, but police were apparently just as concerned with the fact that he was letting his teenage daughter have sex at all.

The Macomb County Prosecutor's office decided to charge the father and Gossage with three counts of criminal sexual conduct in the third degree, WDIV reported.

[theyeti]

gotta love cultural norms, doncha?

The part that most irks me (that isn't the part most will be irked by) is that he would've approved of sex with an 18-year-old, but he didn't a 20 year old. Pick one view or pick the other view. I doubt that when his daughter is 30, he will care about sex with a 37-year-old or a 39-year-old.

I'd also like to point out that there's not many teenage girls who will go up to their dad and say... "Uh, hey dad, uh... can I have sex with this ___-year old?"

[dreuby]

Here's one. A few years ago, one of the girls working on my section told me she and her boyfriend were sleeping in a tent in the garden. (They were about 17)

I said "Have you got lots of visitors over for the holiday?" - "Oh, no - but my dad won't let us sleep together in the house."

Huh? Even now I've got a teenage daughter, I still don't follow her dad's logic!

[Grimey]

Here's the thread I meant to post in.

Another dumb parent:An Indianapolis woman faces obscenity and other charges after being arrested for driving around town with the mural of a naked woman on her sedan, police said.

Indianapolis police took Erica Meredith, 25, into custody Thursday night following a Northeastside traffic stop when an officer saw the 3-by-5 foot airbrushed color portrait of a stripper at a dancing pole.

The officer wrote in a report that "this painting, applying contemporary standards, displays a theme which appeals to the prurient of interest of sex."

The 1976 Buick was impounded at the location of the traffic stop -- the 4100 block of North Grand Avenue, and Meredith then taken to the Arrestee Processing Center. Meredith was booked on a Class D felony offense of disseminating matter harmful to minors apparently because of two reasons: she had three of her children, each age 8 or younger, in the vehicle with her. And she was driving near an elementary school.

She was also charged with driving with a suspended license and exhibition of obscene material, both misdemeanors.http://www.indystar.com/articles/7/109946-3227-093.html

[Grimey]

Originally posted by theyeti
gotta love cultural norms, doncha? I'd like to think this is a cultural aberration, not a norm.

[theyeti]

meh, i should've put a "rolleyes" there to indicate the sarcasm. my bad.

If I were to try and predict the future, I would say that within the next 40 years, there's going to be a sexual revolution of some sort, and then all the kids who never got taught anything will be the ones killed in the riots.
Actually I'm writing a book about this. I've done 4 pages so far. In other words, I'm thinking about a possible book which will not actually happen ;)

[jamesglewisf]

Nice news --More than half of all male high school students reported in 2001 that they were virgins, up from 39 percent in 1990. Among the sexually active, condom use has soared to 65 percent, and nearly 73 percent among black male students. The trends are similar, if less pronounced, for female students, who remain slightly less likely than boys to report that they have had sex. Nowhere are the changes more surprising than in poor minority neighborhoods in Harlem and the Bronx, which a decade ago were seen as centers of a national epidemic of teenage pregnancy. http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/07/nyregion/07TEEN.html?ei=5065&en=4d800c16b5a0d9f4&ex=1079240400&partner=MYWAY&pagewanted=print&position=

[xpac]

Duh. I don't see why a parent would need to talk about sex with their child even though he'll learn about it at the right time in Biology class at school? And if not at school then maybe from some other source like friends and stuff. I think it's very stupid to talk about sex with your kid. I can't even imagine my parents talking to me about it.

[Grimey]

I think it is important to talk about it with your kids because you never know what kind of misinformation they're getting at school or from friends.

[CuriousG]

I think it's better to talk to your parents about things like sex. The information you get at school is not always relevant at the time it's given. Some individuals need answers sooner and others just aren't ready for it yet. When teachers share this information, it's content and presentation is dictated by the school. The things that are shared and the way they are shared may not always take care of the things you may need to know, and the context in which they should be understood. Your parents care about you, and while it may be awkward, they want you to be informed about things like sex. They want to make sure you have all the information you need to make good decisions. Learning from your friends helps you deal some with the social aspects of sexuality, but your parents are mature adults who have already dealt with everything young people are experiencing. Friends may have misinformation since what they know may just be passed along from other young people or others in general who's ideas about sexuality may not be based on the same values that you and/or your family are used to. Your parents will be able to fill in the blanks for you better than anyone else. I know it may be awkward, but believe me, most parents will be glad that you are taking the time to ask them and may be impressed at the fact that you are approaching the situation in a mature manner by being informed before you make any decisions you may regret. A responsible and loving parent will be straightforward with you and give you answers. Thats an inherent, although sometimes difficult, part of parenting.

[spirit renewed]

Since my kids have all been homeschooled, it has been a moot question for us. Their sex education started when they started asking questions about their bodies as toddlers. I wasn't usually ready for the questions when they came, but I was glad to be able to be there to answer them.

I even had to talk to my son about sex since when I sent my husband in to talk to him about a habit he was getting into at puberty that I believe is counter-productive, all my husband did was say, "Don't do that." and walked out. *sigh*

I remember all of the milestones along the way, and even though the prospect looked daunting from the time they were born, talking about sex really just grew naturally out of things we were studying, books I read to them, and situations we observed. (Not sex education books, either.)

[spirit renewed]

Then, of course, you don't want to tell them too much. I remember hearing a story about a 5 year old little girl who went to her mother and said, "Mommy, where did I come from?"

Mom gasped, and then gave a detailed analysis of human sexuality.

When she was done she asked if her daughter had any questions. The little girl said, "No, I was just wondering. Susie next door said she came from Denver."

[theyeti]

I think that if you wait too long (as a parent), you might accidentally be damaging the relationship... if you're going to do it, do it early. Like five, or six - seriously. Otherwise later in life your kids aren't going to talk to you about it, and if you talk, they probably won't trust you - and you'll both just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.

[xpac]

Ah yes, now I understand why it is important. ;)

Hehe I'm 13 and my parents never talked to me about it. Hmm, actually, they don't need to. :P

[Justawoman]

Wow, xpac, to know all there is to know about the intimacy of a sexual relationship at 13. I am impressed.

We talked to our daughters when they started having questions about the human body. We are still answering questions with our older daughters. But now they deal more with the actual inner workings of an intimate relationship. I feel if an adult is open and honest your children will continue to seek your advice and thoughts throughout their life.