immenent divorce- help?

[jabwa]

:)

[jamesglewisf]

I can't think of anything that you didn't think of. It sounds like you nailed it. Unfortunately, you can do nothing about her behavior other than work on your own. Work hard to figure out her needs in addition to sexual (ask her), and meet those also.

I think the counseling is a great idea if you get a good counselor. Find one who doesn't believe in divorce. You don't want him working against you.

The counselors whom I know say that very few marriages are irreparable if both parties are willing to work on them. Love, respect, and intimacy can be restored. It's just not easy.

[keithster]

Man, do I feel for ya.

From my less-than-vast experience, the first thing that hit me was "talk is cheap" and the expressions of love ain't.

I'll never forget the substance of a talk I heard years ago. I can't recall who or where, but I'll never forget the message. Love is a verb. It requires action, daily, hourly action. And it doesn't matter how you feel, you still need to love your spouse. That was the essense of it.

It seems to me that your best chance is to win her back. Show her a changed man. Do the things that you know intellectually you need to do. It'll take time if it's going to work, but if you are doing the love actions, she's got to notice eventually, and if you do them long enough (so that they become habit), she's got to start having trust in them eventually.

The financial situation gives you an opportunity. Please don't look at it as anything other than a foot in the door, a chance to making lasting changes.

Good luck. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[jabwa]

:)

[keithster]

You are communicating and that's a huge, huge thing. And she'll go to counseling.

You're hitting singles and that'll score more runs than swinging for the fence every time at bat.

[jabwa]

:)

[jamesglewisf]

It really sounds like you are figuring this out well. I'm impressed. Normally we don't like to look at the things that we need to change. We just focus on the other person. It shows a lot of maturity that you are seeing areas where you need to improve. You might ask her if there are any more. I know that I have my blind spots.

I would agree with you on the beer thing. If you eliminated it entirely, that would really show commitment to her. It is possible. I haven't had any alcohol in about 15 years.

[keithster]

I'll also pass this on as a possible pointer. It's something that I learned the hard way with my wife. Listen. Listen. Listen. I frequently had to bite my tongue and let her get her frustrations out even if some of the accusations were unfair. I tend to get defensive quite easily and that didn't help.

Like Jim said, it sounds like you are doing the right things and looking at the right causes. We can only change ourselves.

I also am impressed. Keep up the good work.

It's not that I've figured out everything, but I do know the value of having some folks root for you while you are in the process of growing and learning.

Actually, I've still got a lot to learn also. :)

[jabwa]

:)

[jabwa]

:)

[jamesglewisf]

jabwa, we all have bad habits. That doesn't make you a loser; that makes you human. I'm just glad you keep coming back. You've got friends here.

We try not to deal in condemnation at FrappyDoo. We try to deal in the truth, but you are already doing that yourself.

This is going to take a long time. I think if you are consistent with your wife and patient with her, things may turn around. It took 13 years to get where you are today, it will take awhile to get things back into shape.

[jabwa]

:)

[keithster]

I like the idea of separate sessions and a team. I've had the experience where a joint session means one person doesn't do a lot of talking and didn't feel like they could really open up. It sounds like a good show.

It must be hard knowing she's emailing this other guy. But...

I remember a talk I heard about anger. Anger is an engaged emotion. If she's angry it's probably because things aren't working out the way she's wanted, which means she'd still like them to work out. Indifference is the one that will nail you. If the other person is indifferent, they really don't care and there may not be anything you can do to stir the pot.

Hang in there.

[jabwa]

:)

[Austruck]

It's been all guys here, but I've read this thread and have to respond with one point...

It seems to me that your wife is just now beginning to realize that rebuilding the marriage will take work -- and not just work for YOU, but for her as well. Hard work. Thankless work. Two steps forward, one step back stuff.

Frankly, she's probably had a nice, cheery, mutual-admiration-society relationship with this guy -- no strings attached, no bad blood, nothing to work on or fix. Just all the good stuff that happens early in any relationship (friendship or otherwise).

It's unfortunate that she then turns around and looks back and sees you and her marriage -- things that come with negative baggage -- and is forced to make some sort of false choice. I hope and pray that she will realize that it's far too easy to look at any new guy and forget that even THAT relationship would require tons of work to maintain. That's not even factoring in the initial problem of having broken up a marriage to get there. I think for some people that guilt never quite goes away.

The new relationship is also a matter of perhaps never *quite* trusting each other because you both realize what you had to do to get together. Hey, once someone was willing to divorce for a new relationship once, who's to say it couldn't happen again?

Personally, I'd hate to have to live with that on my conscience every day. Plus, the paranoia over the other person's trustworthiness would bug me.

But, I ramble. My point is that perhaps your wife's oozing bitterness lately is the same feeling I get when I look at the bathroom just before I have to dig in and clean the stupid thing: I know it has to be done, and I know that everyone will be happier once it's done. But, I dread it mightily, and ANY task seems preferable and can distract me.

Help her realize that you understand her lack of enthusiasm for the long road ahead. Tell her you'll help pave the road with love, attention, and the other things she was missing the FIRST time you traveled this road together.

Oh, and PRAY PRAY PRAY. I'll be praying.
I know I owe you an email -- you can email me any time. I'll get back to you soon. (Hectic week here!)

ALL blessings and prayers,
Linda

[Joelwrow]

Dude - you are nuts. If another guy is sleeping with your wife - leave or throw her out. Why are men such whimps.

[edited for language - we're a family forum, let's try and stay on the safe side of things, eh? and wow, is this an old thread or what? :) -t.y]

Be strong Dude - You will pull through if you do.

[jabwa]

Thanks for the advice Joel. She's been out of the house for three years now and the divorce was final in August, 2001. :-)