Long lasting relationships

[Anat]

We started discussing this in "Anything Goes" and I said I'd start a thread here.. so here goes:

Some of you described the wonderful close relationships you have with your spouses after many years of marriages. When I was younger I used to think that there are no such relationships in real life. My parents had a terrible marriage that ended in a divorce. Most of the people I was seeing around me either were fighting their spouses or getting divorced. I think that statistically almost half of all marriages end in a divorce or seperation and of the other remaining half too many people have a bad relationship.

What do you think makes a loving relationship last? Is it possible to expect one, to have an intimate (emotionally) relationship with one person that would last forever after? Can people be in such a relationship without fighting along the way?

What do you think?

Anat

[blinc]

Great topic Anat! :)

Hmmm... there aren't any easy answers to your questions and I have a feeling you'll be getting lots of different answers.

"What do you think makes a loving relationship last? Is it possible to expect one, to have an intimate (emotionally) relationship with one person that would last forever after? Can people be in such a relationship without fighting along the way? "


There are some basics that I think help any relationship work. Respect, trust, loyalty and forgiveness to name a few.

My husband and I have been together 14 years... 15 years next month, will mark the time since we started dating. We've sure had our ups and downs. The biggest thing for us was learning to accept that we both had faults. We weren't the perfect husband or wife... we made mistakes. We can't read each others minds, and needed to learn how to communicate better.

We came close to splitting up about 6 years ago, but in our hearts we knew we truly loved each other. We worked through things... refused to give up, because we knew if we could work through the problems, it was a marriage that could be filled with love again. I get teary when I think of how close we came to losing our marriage. So many people run into a rough patch and instead of investing the time and effort, they seek out a divorce lawyer. It took us almost a year to get back on track, but since then our marriage has been stronger then ever... more love then even in the beginning... a deeper love. I can't imagine my life without my husband, I cherish him so.

Being able to forgive is a huge part of things. Being able to apologize is another. When you say something you know hurts the other... even said in anger, you need to apologize as soon as possible.

Yes, I do think it's very possible to have a lifelong relationship. Very possible.

No, I don't think it's possible to NOT fight. We're all human and have things that bother us. I don't think it's possible to be around a person day in, day out, for years on end and not fight. I do think there are ground rules that should be set and both agree on. Like not bringing up things from the past, not saying things that you know the other person will be terribly hurt over. Agree that you are going to fight eventually and that if one does occur, agree that there are just things neither one of you will do. Believe it or not, agreeing on how to fight might sound ridiculous, but it has helped us out tremendously. We usually have a serious argument about every 6 months or so... since we have "behaved" ourselves in what we say, they are usually cleared up within a few hours.

Always make up and be willing to admit you make mistakes too.

Well, that's just a few of the things that have helped us.

Thanks for bringing this subject up and reminding me of just how blessed I feel, at being married to such a wonderful guy. :)

[jamesglewisf]

I've been married 6 years. My sister has been married about 7 or 8 years I think. My parents have been married over 35 years, and my grandparents have been married closer to 55 or 60 years.

It takes a lot of work in the midst of a lot of fun. We don't use the D-word in our family. It is not an option. We both recognize that we made a committment before God and our friends and family. It is important to all of them that we have a lifelong relationship.

We don't leave the room with an unclean slate. If we are in an argument, we stay until we work it out. No storming off angry. We also work hard to fight fairly. No shouting or name calling. We're not perfect, but we work hard at it.

Every night before we go to bed, we read our 1 Year Bible. Then we ask each other one more time if our slates are clean (just to make sure), and afterwards we pray together. We don't let the sun go down on our anger. This prevents stuff from building up until you explode.

We are equally-yoked. That means that we both share the same spiritual goals and faith.

We have a mutually agreed-upon budget so that we don't have to argue over money matters.

We don't spend time alone with people of the opposite sex unless they are old enough to be a grandparent or are blood relatives. That means that I don't have lunch alone with another woman. I don't ride in a car alone with another woman. I don't even spend time alone with Amy's mom, and she doesn't spend time alone with my dad or brother. We both follow the same rules. It's not a jealousy issue at all. It is a temptation issue. I can't commit adultery with a woman if I never spend time alone with her. It is to protect me, not my spouse.

We talk regularly about what's going on, whether it is over the phone or in person. We don't have taboo topics or secrets. If I tell my wife that I was uncomfortable today because some woman was flirting with me, she doesn't get jealous about it, and I feel relieved that there is not something hidden in our relationship. We both find security in openness.

We also use a babysitter and go on dates without the kiddo, athough we need to do this more often.

We work on meeting each other's needs. We try to express our expectations instead of making the other person figure them out.

We laugh a lot. My wife is very funny.

That's about all I can think of.

[jamesglewisf]

Oh yeah. We do have fights - mostly because of my big fat mouth and stupid things that I say. But we keep talking about it until our slates are clean.

I am easily the biggest problem in our marriage. I'm not nearly as good at the relationship thing as Amy is, but I still work at it. Fortunately, she is very forgiving.

[In_His_Shadow]

Well I think I have already told you some of the things I think helped us keep a 24 year marriage. But, I will reinterate on a few things.


1) Like I said before we don't allow the "D" work in our marriage.

2) Like James, Ty and I read from the Bible together every night. This is a priority. The girls know that at 7:00PM mom and dad go into their room and are not to be disturbed. It not only is good spiritually for both of us to get fed daily but ending the day like this is so bonding. After we read taking turns, we ask if there is a need either of us or the children have then we pray about those. We end by snuggling and just reaffirming our love.

3) All our hobbies include each other. Unlike some couples who enjoy time alone or apart, Ty and I love our time together. We camp, bike ride, while he watches sports I will sit next to him and crochet. Actually we aren't as boring as we seem :)

4) He is my best friend. We truly like each other.

5) We also will have disagreements ( I don't say fight because we haven't had not talking, voices raised in years), but we are able to talk those out.

6) Here is the biggest lesson I learned in my marriage. It was a revelation to me: I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT.
It was a killer for me to let go of something I thought I was right about. But I have found that being right about something can also be a lonely spot. I may have won the battle but I will end up losing the war.

Now for the part I will probably get blasted for. I sometimes think I was born into the wrong era.

7) Ty and I are very traditional in our marriage. For example:

1)He goes to work
2)I stayed home and raised the girls. (this decision cost us alot of material things but I don't regret it for a second)
3)I do the cooking, cleaning and clothes.
4)He does the yard work and garbage.
5)He is the head of the house and God funnels all things through him.

We are not your caveman and cavewoman. What I have found is that by me honoring my husband and his authority he in turns honors me and listens to my imput.

Most of all understanding that we all are humans living in a fallen world and if I can keep my eyes off of myself (my wants, needs etc) and reach a hand out to fill his needs especially during the times when I am feeling most needy it will never fail to bless the socks off me.

Ingredients for our marriage:

C Committment
C Compassion
C Caring
C Covenant
C Christ

With those ingredients you are just a stone throw away from having a wonderful marriage.

CJ

[blinc]

Oooh CJ - you hit #6 right on the nose. It was a hard one for me to understand... sometimes STILL have a hard time letting go of something, especially when I just "know" I'm right. You're dead on about not winning the war. Sometimes it just easier to let things go... things that in the long run, just don't matter that much. I have to admit though - I do have a stubborn streak. We both do - but we've kind of found the humor in those situations too. We're a couple of mules sometimes and we both know and understand that aspect of each others personality. Sometimes we'll be on the verge of an argument... and those "stubborn" moods are upon us both at the same time. We usually end up looking at each other and cracking up, because we know neither of us will "win" that day. :)

[roldfiel]

I am so glad this subject was started. I have always had a life where anything good was bound to be lost. Now while studying in Russia I have been filled with this fear that I will lose the greatest part of my life-my husband. I am not afraid that he will leave me, but that this time apart will bring an end to the amazing relationship we have built. I tried to study abroad last year as it is an amazing opportunity and greatly enhances our future, but my fear consumed me and I went home early. This year I am determined to see it through, but the fear is still there. Words of wisdom and experience?

[blinc]

I don't know about words of wisdom... *grin* but I will say that I think the fear you are experiencing has happend to a lot of us. I think we get afraid that if we are apart, something just HAS to change. I really don't know what words to offer you right now. This is a toughy! I'll be thinking on it - and hopefully someone who has been in your predicament can offer some words of experience! :)

[Debby]

Okay, i have to comment here....marriage is so hard!! I love my husband very, very much, but we have had our rough spots in the past 6 years. I think one of my problems is that I tend to compare our marriage with that of my parents. They were married 60 years. They never fought, and my dad would have laid down his life for my mother, he loved her so much...when she died, he turned to me and with tears in his eyes, he said, "There was never anybody else" I think it broke my heart. He only lived three years without her after that.My husband keeps reminding me that he is not my father, and that I cannot compare their marriage to ours, but it is so hard not to, because thats all I wanted as a child, was to find a man who loved me as much as dad loved mom. But I don't want him to think I don't think he lives up to my father's reputation, I do love my husband alot, but we have alot of problems with communication it seems, and we do fight some. Like I said, marriage is so hard.

[jamesglewisf]

Marriage is hard, but it's worth the effort. I'm sure your parents fought about things. They probably just didn't do it in front of the children. It is normal to fight. What is important is to fight fairly.

[blinc]

I don't usually pass things on that I get in my email, but I received this from my uncle... it really doesn't fit anywhere, but does have to do with long lasting relationships. It's just a poem, but sweet in it's sentiment.

The Rose

Red roses were her favorites,
her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them,
tied with pretty bows.

The year he died,
the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine,"
like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses,
and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year,
than last year on this day.

My love for you will always grow,
with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time
that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses
in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know,
that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early,
way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy,
everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems,
and placed the roses in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase
beside the portrait, of his smiling face.

She would sit for hours,
in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture,
and the roses sitting there.

A year went by,
and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude,
that had become her fate.

Then, the very hour,
as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses,
sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in,
and just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone,
to call the florist shop.

The owner answered, and she asked him,
if he would please explain,
Why would someone do this,
causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away,
more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call,
and you would want to know.

The flowers you received today,
were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead,
he left not a thing to chance.

There is a standing order,
that I have on file here,
He had paid well in advance,
you'll get them every year.

There also is another thing,
I think that you should know,
He wrote a special little card...
he did this years ago.

Then, should ever I find out
that he's no longer here,
That this card...then should be sent,
to you the following year."

She thanked him as she left the phone,
her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers trembling so,
as she reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw
that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence,
this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year
since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard
for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely,
and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way,
I know how I would feel.

The love we shared made everything
so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say,
you were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover,
you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year,
but please try not to grieve

I want you to be happy,
even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses
will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses,
only think of our happiness,
The life we had together,
and how both of us were blessed.

I have always loved you
and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on,
you have some living still.

Please...try to find happiness,
while living out your days.
I know it is not easy,
but I hope you find some ways.

The roses will come every year,
and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered,
when the florist comes to knock.

He will come five times that week,
in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit,
he will know without a doubt

To take the roses to the place,
where I've instructed him.
And place the roses where we are,
together once again.

:)

[kezzer]

Oh, Blinc, that is a very nice poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. Do you have a kleenex?

[Karenluvs6]

that was a great poem Blinc!

[Debby]

That was beautiful!