Question for SAHM's & SAHD's

[Nise]

I was just wondering how often those of you who are SAH parents leave your kids with someone else. I hardley ever leave my son with anyone. He might go to one of his grandparents houses when I am substituting or on the night that I have class. Other than that he is always with me.
You see I am one of "those" parents who gets that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I leave him anywhere for an extended period of time, that doesn't go away until he's with me again.
Don't misunderstand me...I don't smother him... he plays with other kids....he's fine when I leave him with grandparents or at one of his two uncle's houses...he's not so attached to me that I can't leave him. He actually wants to be left with others at times..and I think that it's great !! I want him to be alright when I leave him. The delima (sp) is with me. I have this fear that something will happen to him when I'm gone and I won't be there for him....that I'll blame whoever has him for his being hurt, kidnapped, drownd, bit by a pit bull(MIL's dog)..you get the picture? I know I have to relax.....and not worry but he is MY LIFE< MY WORLD. I waited 8 years for him and I just don't think I could handel it if something actually DID happen. Can some one out there please help me calm my fears and anxieties a little ??? Please tell me that these fears are not only fears that I have but that you have experienced as well!!

[Grimey]

This is part of letting go. It starts early so that you can slowly work up to them leaving the home for good.

Babysitters
Church Nursery
Mother's Day Out
Preschool
Kindergarten
School
College
Married

[kezzer]

I'm not exactly a sahm, but there are only select few who I will have watch my kids. I am just thankful that I do not have to put my children in a day care setting, but.............. even if I had to my neighbor runs a home daycare.

[dreuby]

They are completely normal fears, I'd say. All parents feel them. As children get older, you have to learn to let go, and place them in God's care even more than when they're with you. But it's difficult.

[Nise]

Thanks-- He does have time away from me but it's limited. He goes to his class on Sundays, stays with grandparents, etc. He is away from me for several hours each week as I am working on my Master's Degree but hubby thinks that it may not be enough. I disagree with him. Oh well....we did make the decision together for me to quit work and care for him. So now he's making me feel as if I'm doing something wrong by being here with him.
Matt is a very well adjusted child in my opinion, he wants me a bed time but I'm sure there are LOTS of kids that want Mama when they go to bed. Besides he's TWO!!! (any comments?)

[dreuby]

Here's something to make you laugh ... I thought the "terrible twos" were just that. So when my first child started hers at 18 months, I really thought she'd be through it six months early! {rolleyes} I didn't realise it went on until they're about forty-two! {eektext}

You can't win - you go to work, "I never left my child with strangers - he'll grow up warped!"

When you don't: "I didn't stay home and look after my child all day - he'll grow up warped!"

He is away from you a few hours a week, I don't think you can ask more than that at two. Is he happy? If so, then that's fine for you both. My 10year old still expects to be tucked in by me at night.

Mind you, the only way to get my oldest two to tidy their rooms is to threaten to turn up in the school playground and give them a great big kiss!

[jamesglewisf]

One very important thing to know is that you are not alone. We struggled with the same issues.

Our first baby died at birth. Our second baby spent 12 weeks in the NICU. I understand being scared. My wife struggled with pretty extreme fears. I finally had to tell her that she was being rude to her own parents. She was treating them like they were uncaring dolts who hadn't even raised her.

What we had to learn is that God is in control. He is going to protect our daughter. It is our responsibility to leave her with responsible people and then leave the rest up to God.

I think you should listen carefully to your husband. The value of a marriage is that each person brings different perspectives to the situation. That doesn't mean that everything a spouse says is the gospel truth, but it should be taken into consideration. A good friend once told me that almost every criticism has some valid truth behind it that I could learn from.

I think you have two reasons that you spend so much time with your boy. First, you love the time that you are with him. That is the great thing about being a SAHM. You get to experience a lot of great things with the child you love.

The second reason is that you appear to have an unrealistic expectation that you can protect your son from dangers that other responsible people either cannot or will not. The underlying assumption is invalid. The underlying assumption is that since you love your child more than these other people do, that you are better qualified and more likely to protect your child from danger. Here is where I can prove that this assumption is wrong. If someone left her child with you, would the child be less safe with you than at home with his mom? Of course not! You are going to be just as careful with her child as with your own.

Of course, all of this is predicated upon leaving your child with a responsible person.

[Nise]

Druby & Jim-- Thanks for the input. I appreciate the thoughts.
It's true what Druby said that in others eyes you can't win, someone always has a comment--god or bad!
Jim I appreciate the fact that I am not alone in my fears. Sounds kind of like your wife and I have been sharing the same types of fear! I guess to some degree I've done the same thing to my parents and my in laws. Mind you it was never intentional--(being rude) I just felt like he was safer-better cared for with me.
Thanks again, I guess I need to re-evaluate my thinking and set down and PRAY!!!

[jamesglewisf]

I don't think it was intentional for my bride either.

This is going to sound weird, but sit down and read "Connecting" by Larry Crabb. Making connections with other people as he explains in his book will help a great deal with fear. I know that sounds strange, but it is true.

Real fellowship where you connect with other believers (as he describes connecting), is the key to eliminating a lot of life's psychological issues. It can make a huge impact in your life and in the lives of the people around you.

[Berta]

I totally understand Nise, I'm a home daycare provider. I started doing home daycare because I had a few bad experiences with babysitters and decided that I couldn't trust anyone with my children, I like kezzer only leave my children with a few select people still, and they are technically old enough to stay home alone. So I started doing home daycare 10 years ago. It's strange to me still and I can't figure it out why I expect people to trust me with their kids but I don't trust people with mine. All I can say is if you need to find daycare for your child, call your local department of health or social services most state will license day care providers through them and have them in a registary, you can ask them questions about perspective providers, conditions of there homes, the amount of complaints or acts of non-compliance, take your time and chose some one you feel comfortable with, use your instincts if you don't feel comfortable than don't choose them. Good Luck.

[Nise]

Berta,
Thanks for the info. but I am not looking for a daycare. I too was a childcare provider for many years. I know all the pitfalls and what goes on in group settings. I have no intention of placing my child in that setting as long as God is willing to allow me to continue being a SAHM. My question was just regarding my son being with others HIGHLY TRUSTED ADULTS, such as Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. Hubby thinks he needs to be with out Mommy some... not put in a child care setting. He's worried that son is too dependant on me, however, not so much the case, son wants to be with others now so we are seeing less concern from Dad.Dad now sees that his son is quite the independant little man and wants to stay with others often now. Thanks for the advice anywho! :)

[Nise]

I know what you mean about expecting others to trust me with their kids but i don't trust them with mine.
For example I have a cousin that I don't think watches her son close enough, or disciplines for the things I would. i love her dearly but would not leave my son with her for more than an hour because she just lets them go outside alone and hardley ever checks on them. (4 yrs old/2yrs old!!!) Not quite the same watchful eye they would be under with me. I don't think you should trust a toddler and preschooler to stay exactly where they should or are told to stay... they tend to forget Mom's rules when they are playing. I fear them wondering off in the woods and getting lost or worse someone tempting them (with puppies or candy) from the road and being gone before she even looks out the door! Like I said not watched like I would watch....

[Berta]

I totally understand, I consider myself and overprotective mother, sometimes I think I upset some of the parents who's children that I watch because of my overprotectiveness, I'm just as over protective of their children as I am of mine.