Am I alone

[confused&48]

I have been married for 27 years, and no matter what I do, my wife does not want to take care of my needs. Oh you know what I am talking about. I am to the point, I would just like to find a woman that would like to have her needs met and would do the same for me. Is this normal? Should I have no wants at my age? Any suggestions?

[jamesglewisf]

Good job of keeping this PG-13. I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, and I'm not implying anything about you. I don't know you.

It is normal for you to still have desires.

I know this sounds simple, but have you asked her? Or are you waiting for her to approach you on her own? Some women don't feel like they should be the initiator. If you have asked her, does she give a reason why not? Sometimes spouses don't look the same as they did when they first married, and they no longer feel attractive or sexy. Do you tell her that she is pretty, that she is desirable? Do you show her affection at times other than bedtime? In other words, are you only affectionate when you want sex? Wives like to be patted on the behind and kissed and hugged throughout the day, not just before bed. Most women like to be hugged and kissed in private and public, but keep the hiney patting private. If you hug and kiss her in public, then you are telling everyone (and especially her) that you love her.

Do you hold her hand when you walk, or do you walk a couple of steps ahead of her? Do you hold her hand at the table or while driving the car? When was the last time you bought her flowers or a card for no apparent reason?

Foreplay for a woman begins in the morning when you kiss her on the cheek and tell her you love her. It continues when you take out the trash without asking. Next you call her from work to find out how her day is going and tell her you love her. Then you wash the dishes after dinner without being asked. If you have kids, you give them baths and put them to bed. You talk to her with respect and dignity. If she shows no interest that evening, keep it up for a week. If she doesn't ever show any affection back, then you need to talk about it.

[jamesglewisf]

OK, I"m going to keep it PG-13, but I'm going to ask something serious. You don't have to answer any of these questions here, but think about them nevertheless.

When you have had sex in the past, has it all been about you? Does everything end as soon as you have been satisfied?

[Teresa]

Good post, James!

[CuriousG]

I would also make the suggestion, that after 27 years, you may be firmly entrenched in a routine. Often times, couples that have been together for a long period of time, become so comfortable and rote in their interaction, that even moments of intamacy becomes scripted and scheduled. Perhaps spontaneity in your marriage can help to rekindle some flames. It may not be that your wife finds you any less attractive or desirable, its just that she needs something different that requires you to put some thought and emotion into. She may feel embarrassed or shy to be able to initiate this herself, so it may take you to be the one to get the ball rolling. Take a mutual day off in the middle of the week and take a trip somewhere, do something romantic for her that may be a bit out of character for you, but you know that she enjoys. Get a hotel room and be intimate together in the middle of the day when you may normally not be able to. This may be enough to show her that its not just a routine for you and that you are still passionate about her and being "with" her.

[jamesglewisf]

I would probably recommend against a special trip or day off designed for romance. A better idea would be a special trip that totally focused on things she might enjoy like sightseeing and shopping. A special romantic trip implies that the only time you'll get romantic is when you want sex. It is better, IMO, to let her romantic ideas grow for you by doing things that show you love her.

I might not be explaining this well. Let me oversimplify for an example. Don't show up with flowers and say, "I love you. How about sex?" Show up with flowers and say, "I saw these and thought of you." Then don't make any overtures for sex. She needs to feel like your romance and affection are not just signals that you want sex. She needs to see romance and affection as demonstrations that you love her and find her attractive. If she feels loved and attractive in a way that pleases her, such as hand-holding and kisses that aren't requests for sex; then after time, she'll want to show her love for you in a way that pleases you. Using my earlier example, if 10 times flowers mean "I love you," and 1 time they mean, "I love you and desire you;" then flowers will be more special to her. The next ten times she gets them, she won't know whether she wants to give you a peck on the cheek or take you into the bedroom.

[CuriousG]

When I said...

"Get a hotel room and be intimate together in the middle of the day when you may normally not be able to."

It doesn't necessarily have a sexual implication to it. Just being together, talking and enjoying eachother's company in a number of different ways can be intimate. Follow your wife's lead, just getting out of your routine and normal surroundings may be enough for her to open up to you about how she's been feeling, etc. Just a suggestion.

:D

[muscratgrrl]

If it honestly never occurs to your spouse to ask questions like this himself, is there a humble way to suggest that s(he) does without implying some type of failure on their part? The replies to confused&48 are very articulate and well-put, I think they are great thought processes for the questions asked.

To speak for my own gender (grrl), it is an extremely good point that small things and tiny signs of affection or attention set the mood. My hubbie can look at me in just a glance- and not a suggestive glance- and it encourages me so much. Even in just a few years of marriage, we women can be extremely self-concious about ourselves if we are not encouraged. (My spouse has remarked that I looked "nice" less than 10 times in 3 or 4 years, but hey, who's counting....) When he does, it's a big deal.

I think too that we have to feel valued and that our gratification of that nature is *just as* important as yours.

Also, compliments are great, but if they are lip service, it shows. When I tell my husband he's attractive, I make sure that everything I want to convey to him shows in my voice and I make sure he can see it earnestly in my face. Sometimes I make him stop and look at me so that he can see me saying a compliment, else he might not know that I'm not just saying it out of "habit" -ike saying "I love you" when you hang up the phone. I stop and think about it and what "I love you" or similiar- really means and all it entails. It helps connect us emotionally.

I know two married couples in their 50's and 60's who have very satisfying sexual relationships.

For what it's worth, I think if both parties are interested, why wouldn't they? It's a very important way of showing appreciation for one another. But if one partner isn't clear about what they need (or the other is inconsiderate), there is no huge surprise that they feel incomplete or unsatisfied- at any age.

Sex may not be as important to her as, say, intellectual fulfillment. If both of you can talk and compare your realtive importance levels of the different types of fulfillment, maybe there is some way, of say, one partner increasing the in-depth time the two spend talking, for an increase in the attention that you spend sexually- if a partner is totally unresponsive without reason to your needs, then I think that's an issue at any stage of life. Unfortunately, if they aren't willing to talk or make a meeting of the minds, it leaves One in a really frustrating situation.

I try to keep faith that my spouse will learn to value me like that, and I actually show him even more attention in an effort to be more giving- the best way to treat someone is how you want to be treated after all.