Need advice

[Debby]

I am very upset...I don't know where or who to turn to...I am hoping to get some good advice here. I don't want anyone to sugar coat anything...if I am doing something wrong...PLEASE tell me! I have a daughter...she is 2 1/2. I was almost 37 when I had her, and am almost 40 now...she is my only child. I love her dearly...but she is not very well behaved. She hits me, hisses at me and runs away from me when I try to pick her up from daycare...all the other kids run to greet their mothers...not mine...she wants nothing to do with me when I pick her up from daycare. I have cried and cried over this...I love her more than anything. Her father spoils her...he does not discipline her...that is left up to me. He also has never bathed her, brushed her teeth, cut her nails, trimmed her hair, or any of the other "mom" jobs that I do on a regular basis....he has changed her diaper a few times...but few is the operative word here, and certainly not when she has pooped. He is the "fun" one...he only plays with her...he never tells her it is time to go to bed, or to not color on the drapes, or to not put her food on the floor or to not take her socks off (because her feet will get cold)....it is mom who tells her not to do things and who has on a few rare occassions swatted her butt for not minding...(never hard enough to hurt) but now she tells me she doesn't like me...she likes daddy...she races to the door to see him when he gets home...she asks where he is if he is not here....I could walk out the door and never come back and she would not care. What am I doing wrong???? My feelings are so hurt...and I know she is only 2, but it still hurts. I want to be close to my daughter...but she pulls away from me...I don't have as much time to be the "fun" parent, because I go to school full time and have alot of homework...but I still try to make time to play with her...but when daddy walks in...that's it. I wanted a child so bad, and I love her dearly...I would do anything for her....but she could care less about me...why?? What am I doing wrong??? Her telling me she doesn't like me, she likes daddy just cut like a knife. I know she's only 2...but why is it my friends 2 year old just adores her????

[kezzer]

Oh, Debby, {hugs}
This is hard, in all honesty, I can not see a thing you are doing wrong. However, not to ponit fingers, but.....2 year olds are funny little things, heck, any kid is for that matter. But especially at that age they are ( well they think) They are independent and want things their way, so while your hubby is the fun one, and you are left to be the only parent so to speak, it puts you in the "bad" mommy position, to look like the mean one.
I honestly can't offer you solid advise, this is tough, but I think your hubby may need to step in a bit more, to help you out, with the disipline area especially.
I hope this helps, even at least a bit, I am not so good at advise.

[Justawoman]

Forgive me for smiling as I read your post Debbie. We have 4 daughters. Guess what? I was not the fun parent either. Dad was, simply because he was the one gone all day and when he came home at night he played with them. My girls didn't like me at the age of two either and truth be known there are times now they still see me as the tough parent.

I use to really struggle with this issue. In fact it caused quite a few arguments between my spouse and I. I always wanted to know why he got the fun jobs and I had to do all the dirty work in raising our girls. Well... I am glad I had that job now. Now when the **** hits the fan for them it is Mom they come running too. Why? Dad never solved any problems in the past. Mom knows the answer go to her. I do try and incorporate my hubbies input in some problems the girls have. Especially if I know he can be unbiased, which is rare.

As for the hissing, hitting and running from you, I never had that problem. I know I would find that upsetting too. Maybe instead of always being the disciplinarian and seen as the tough one with her, figure out what activities you two can do together that are fun and outside of the home. I realize you are going to school and you work in the home when you are there but you have to know that the chores will wait. So the laundry piles up, the dishes get put aside, etc.... If anyone complains tell them/him to do them themselves that you are spending time with your daughter. Take her out on a mommy - daughter date just you two. Just sit and do nothing and hold her. Watch her favorite movie while doing this or read her favorite book. One of our favorite things was just going thru McDonalds and then sitting at the park eating together. My girls still ask me if I will get them out of school for a lunch date. They remember those quiet times together and away from the house.

I know I was blessed that I didn't have to work when our 3 oldest were toddlers. We struggled and I stayed at home fulltime. I don't know if it makes a difference in the attitude and how they treat a mom who is gone all day. I do know that this issue is out there now and why moms feel like they have to do it all. I know if you give into this behavior she will continue but how to stop it I have no clue. I know spanking doesn't work. I always let my girls know when they had me angry and I would just tell them to play in their room saying, " mommy is mad enough right now that she doesn't want to be around you." I also simply stated what behavior had me that mad. It always worked for me. I would cool off and they never liked being isolated from mom for too long. I don't know if that would work with a two year old or not. It seemed to work for me no matter what setting. If we were out shopping I would haul them back to the car and we would go home empty handed. We would get up and leave church. We would leave grandparents houses and head home. Embarrassing behaviour has to be dealt with but each child is different too.

[jamesglewisf]

I always like to ask the advice of a trusted friend who seems to have expertise in the subject with which I struggle. If you have a friend with multiple children who seems to have it together, ask her what she thinks and ask her to be honest. Then don't get offended if she tells you something you don't like. Sometimes an outside observer can have real insight.

[CuriousG]

From my experience within my own family, I think it is important that both parents are equally involved in parental responsibilities. Both parents should have fun time with their children, but at the same time, when it comes to discipline and other not so fun activities like teaching appropriate behavior and imparting important knowledge, both parents need to participate. Children need to see some sort of equality in the roles their parents play, otherwise (at least for the time being) they may develop different ideas about their relationship with each parent.

[JacMac]

I agree with everyone's post here. Do you spend any "fun time" with your daughter? What are the activities that "Dad" does that she enjoys so much? Ask her something fun she would like to do with you and make the time to do it. Do it when you pick her up from Daycare - or surprise her one night and stop off for ice cream on the way home. Let hubby make dinner himself, or order delivery. You can't be Superwoman and putting the cap on this behavior is CRUCIAL at this age. These are the times children learn boundaries, and she needs to learn what those are and the consistency of them. Sit down with hubby and agree on what behaviors are or aren't acceptable and decide on the discipline for the not-so-good behaviors. And BOTH of you need to enforce that - consistency is HUGE. Above all else, you need to prove to her that you are fun too and get that hubby of yours to help out! Have him put her to bed twice a week. Have you talked to him about this situation? Tell him it needs to change so that you don't burn out (I recognize a burnout post when I see one. I, too, am losing my mind with school, 2 jobs, internship...fortunately, I don't have kids. Just animals! but I used to teach and my ex had daughter, so I know disciplining problems as well!) Let me know how it's going!

[Debby]

Hey guys...thanks for your replies...things are better. I think she was just testing me. For the most part she is a pretty well behaved little girl, except recently...I guess they don't call them the terrible 2's for nothing. However, once she saw I was standing my ground, she has been behaving much better. She no longer hits me...she knows what will happen if she does. I was afraid to discipline her for fear I would push her even more toward her father and less to me...but I went ahead and did what I had to do...I made her unhappy at times, and was the "bad guy" but I think she does respect me for it, and she knows I love her. As for her father...he will never take my side with her...he will let her walk all over him, and he will never back me up on discipline. This is just something I have to accept...talking to him and telling how I feel about it does no good. But someday she will realize that I was the "bad guy" because I loved her and wanted to raise her up right. Thanks for your help. I appreciate your posts. *hugs* I do try to do fun things with her as often as I can...I am the one who buys her all her Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer videos she loves, I am the one who stops by McDonalds and buys her french fries (which she loves) I am the one who kisses her owies and dabs medicine on them...I am the one who is always there for her...but because she is with me so much...I think daddy is a special treat, and when he comes home and gives her rides on his back, the whole world stands still...she just adores him! And I am glad she loves him so much...but I feel sometimes as if all I do for her just does not matter. I am trying to potty train her, I am making her eat nasty "real" food instead of chocolate, I am just the mean one right now. I do hope you all are right, and that some day this will all be appreciated and she will love me for it. *hugs*

[Justawoman]

I don't remember the terrible two's Deb. So it is all worth it. They forgot to show you in the fine print where she will loose her mind all over again when she hits 14. *L* But we survived that one too. One more to go and she is already proud of the fact that she is a preteen.

My spouse took over the discipline when boys hit the picture. I am glad for that. Even though I still get to be a meany on occassion. But I have noticed now that our 3 oldest are all over 16 our relationship has changed. It is more grownup and I enjoy their company so much. It does get better and there are times I miss them when they were little and needed me so much. It is a rollercoaster ride of emotions being a parent.

[JacMac]

I'm glad to hear things are better Debby! Thanks for updating!

[Gourmetmisse]

Hi Debby,
With girls I hear things get even better. I always think about the Valentines Day party I hosted in my sons kindergarten class and how exhausting it was to do everything for the little students. Then in the 3rd grade I once again did the Valentines party and what a breeze it was. The 8 year old girls were lining up to say “what can I do, how can I help”. Another parent at this party told me that was the difference in having girls. My boys will do what they are told, but they are not to the point that they are asking me what they can do to help around the house yet?

Both my DH & I work fulltime. It helped to hire a housekeeper who came once every 2 weeks and have someone else do something around the house once in awhile. It was worth the $70 for the clear mind we had coming home to a clean house every other Thursday. I have a friend who drops her family’s laundry off to get it washed and folded when things get crazy. We never got to that point, and things are better now.
Misse

[DataJack]

Oh, Debby, {hugs}
I can not see a thing you are doing wrong.....2 year olds are funny little things.....I think your hubby may need to step in a bit more, to help you out, with the disipline area especially.

DITTO....and i would like to add kids are smarter than what we give them credit for. she sees that mommy and daddy are not united on things and plays up to it. Daddy needs to step in and tell the child things too. as a dad i had a hard time with keeping my kids clean and all that but there never was any question on how mommy and i looked at things......if mommy spoke dad would say the same thing when asked and vica versa. he should be taking her to bed and telling her no to certain things and you will see the change...in the meantime...2 yr olds are not human so wait till she is 3........lol...i too hope this helps

[pack momma]

[I guess they don't call them the terrible 2's for nothing. However, once she saw I was standing my ground, she has been behaving much better. She no longer hits me...she knows what will happen if she does. I was afraid to discipline her for fear I would push her even more toward her father and less to me...but I went ahead and did what I had to do...I made her unhappy at times, and was the "bad guy" but I think she does respect me for it, ]
...that's supposed to be a quote from you Debbie, I never get it right.


You just figured it out.... my hats off to you having your first in your late 30's. My son went thru a similar stage at that age and you're right it really hurts, but take heart, guess who he comes to for advice on just about any subject now? it's not Dad. and who he comes to when he is down and life isn't treating him right? not Dad

[Debby]

You all just brought a huge smile to my face, and I thank you for that! I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel! :)