Marriage trouble

[stepford wife]

This is something new for me. Having someone to talk to. My husband is a very successful businessman in our area and that prevents me from talking to anyone in the area about my problems. I have no family I can talk to and I am feeling that little by little I'm losing it and will do something crazy soon. By crazy I mean, moving out, cheating, etc. From the outside it looks like we've got a great life. Plenty of money, a beautiful home in a beautiful area, a handful of nice friends and some family close by. What isn't seen is the dominance I feel by my husband. I don't know where I've gone but everytime I show a little independence it's shot down. My husband is the type that will say ie., what if we move this sofa over here and I say no I don't really like it up against that wall and he'll say, ok if you still feel that way in a month we'll reevaluate it. The point is he makes suggestions as he calls them but they are already decisions. I'm 50yrs old and we've been married 17 years. I gave up having children because he had had a vasectomy when we met and I was so in love with him. He did try to have it reversed but it didnt work. His son came to live with us at 8years old and is now 25. I love him to death and thank God for him everday. Our entire marriage though my husband was scared to death to lose him back to his mother so we had to always be extra nice to her and surround our lives around this boy. If I had a bad day, sick or pms, whatever, I was lectured not to let this show around our son. About 2 years ago my husband insisted I start taking Prozac because I was too moody while going through the change. He basically said if I didn't take it he'd be gone one day. When our son is going to be home for awhile (school break, etc.) I am asked to double up on my meds. He's so afraid things won't look idealic for our son's stay. When we go out to dinner or have guests over my husband is free to act anyway he wants but after my second glass of wine I start getting kicked under the table and glared at. God forbid I should act out of character by being under the influence of 3 glasses of wine. What's happening is I'm starting to what to hide things from my husband rather than deal with a confrontation. He hates my Mother so I try to stay away from her. She is difficult to be around and an old bitter woman, but my Mother none the less. I think people would think I'm crazy when they see all the materialistic things I have but with everything I have a nice little apartment, all by myself, with a nice 9-5 job is sounding better everyday. Do I give up the big house, unlimited funds, beautiful swimming pool, travel, just so I can have my self back?

[Hannamoren]

My hart goes out for you! {hug}

We live in two different worlds, not only geographicly, but also in almost every other way. So I will try to answer you like woman to woman.
I don't ever think I have said to anyone before, that divorce is the answer. But when I read your story, you seem very, very unhappy. You and your husband doesn't seem like equals anymore. You say you have everything, but you miss the most important things, like love, trust and understanding. I feel reallt sorry for you, and it seems to me that you might be better off on your own. Get your spirit back! Life is so wonderfull, and you should get to see that! It isn't to wait to be kicked when you drink wine, or not having anything to say.
I wish my english was better, so I could explain better what I ment. If you want anyone to "talk" to , you can write me a PM. I wish the best for you, and hope things will be better.

[pack momma]

You poor dear,

IMHO, you have spent entirely too much time catering to your husband and your stepson which has done 2 things to your detriment.
First, you lost yourself in the process, and second you have over the years enabled your husband to become more and more controlling.

I would suggest counseling to see where your marriage is really at and if it can be salvaged. Your husband may reallly still love you, but thinking you are declining may feel forced to take over everything, then again it could be quite the opposite. I really think you need to see where he stands on this issue. and getting some help may help you really decide where you stand.

Rather than fighting for independence, I would suggest fighting for you own self esteem and feelings of self worth. Your stepson is a grown man now, get out and do some things for you. Lunch with some friends (don't discuss the problems, depending on your situation it could all get back to your husband) Just go out and rediscover your friends and your interests. Do you have any hobbies? things you always thought about trying or learning. You said you had the resources so use them. If your husband sqwauks, tough, its medicinal. "When mom feels better, everybody feels better"

He doesn't like your mother? Well isn't that a shame (major dose of sarcasm here) And why not? Nobody is going to tell me or intimidate me to stay away from my own mother. Unless she is meddling in things that are none of her business, your relationship with her is none of HIS business!!! After all you had her long before you had him. Word of caution, she may not be too thrilled with him either. and if you spend your time with her gryping about him it will only add to the trouble the marriage is already in.

If he won't go for counseling, then go yourself and let the counseler help you sort out what is really happening. He might come around later.
good luck

[Hannamoren]

pack momma, you said it very well!!!

[Justawoman]

I agree with Pacmomma. You are only 50. You are not an old woman. Let your hubby rearrange the furniture. It is just furniture. You need to get out of that house and rediscover who you are. Take a class at college, get a job, friends, and who needs permission to do these things. I bet your hubby doesn't ask you for permission on anything. And don't let him tell you, "well I am the money maker." Pooey!!! You have worked to be what he saw you as and yet he doesn't even know you. Go and live for you for a change. Your spouse sounds like he is the one with the hang ups. Give him the prozac and tell him to chill.

I know we all offer brave words and we are not in your shoes. But you have to take that first step towards independence to actually get it. Just weigh all your options and do what is best for you.

[drewsmom930]

i am not one to say get a divorce because i know so many people who are too quick to end things without trying. But I also have to say that if you are that unhappy you need to do something about it. My husband can be controlling too but i have learned how to deal with him (like making him think what I want was his idea and things like that) He is also very tender most of the time. There has to be some good points to your marriage and it has to have love and trust to work. I also think that you shouldnt let your whole life revolve around him and his son. Nobody is going to take his son away now and your husband needs to realize that women go through changes. You might get him some literature on menapause so that he understands what you are going through. Do you have any hobbies like reading or sewing or knitting. I find this helps me get away from everything just a little me time.
I have this friend who's mother just left her husband after 25 years or so of marriage. My friend is mad and dont see why she left but i am sure she had her reasons. ok i am done now. i hope things get better for you

[Alec]

I think you need to go to some counseling with your husband. Cheating and/or divorce is not really better.

[DataJack]

There really is a lot of very good advice here stepford wife.
As far as cheating goes, I think that is not an option if you want to retain whatever small amount of self-respect you have. Leaving or divorce, I would say its a no-no at this point.
Someone said counselling even if he won't go and I agree.

Once you have taken all the steps you can to fix this relationship and its still not fixed then its time to maybe look at a trial separation.

I would say that when a man is faced with losing his soul-mate because of his actions, he may change for the better.

Also he may not even know he is being so controlling in the house.

Try telling him in the house you rule. A home is a womans refuge and a mans castle. Maybe he should let you make it his castle where you BOTH can take refuge.

I hope with all the posts here you will be able to draw some good points out.

Good luck !!