looking for the magic words

[rose71User Name]

I've been married for 12 years, have three great kids ages 9,7, and 18 months. I love my family, but my husband is driving me loony. I am very active in my kid's lives (sports, school, weekend activities). I cook and clean, and make the phone calls and do the errands. Everything a good wife is suppose to do. I've asked my husband to help me with the things the kids are involved in, by either driving them there or watching our toddler so that I can participate in these things. He absolutely refuses. I've explained the difficulty I have with being a soccer coach or helping out the PTO with a toddler running rampant, but he doesn't care. He refuses to help out with the house or yardwork, and lays around all day on the couch watching ESPN on his days off. We never go out together. I have tried being reasonable, understanding, and nagging. I have voiced my pleas for assistance calmly and explained my feelings. Still nothing. I am so tired of feeling like a single parent. Does anyone have any magic words that will help me get through to him?

[Justawoman]

Nope. My spouse was the same way when our girls were younger and getting involved in extracurricular things. I finally had to decide what mattered most. Let some of the chores go and make for sure the girls were getting what they needed to be productive adults was my decision.

Now that we only have two left at home he sees what he missed out on but it is a little late to make up for lost time with the older two. He also will ask why they all come to me with problems? I don't even dignify that with an answer. Unfortunately a father that only sets himself up as the financial provider will only be seen as that. Maybe someone on here has some words that would work but nothing ever did with us. It took our older two girls going off to college to wake him up to the emotional bond of a relationship with them.

[Noseypoo]

Sorry, I don't think there are any magic words for that. But maybe there are other explanations on why he's acting the way he his, maybe he's trying to keep your busy hiney at home?! (nagging won't do a thing, all it does is, make it worse ;))

Lay on the couch with your hubby and watch ESPN. Maybe that's what he wants, but won't tell you (lot of guys are no good expressing their feelings) Pop open a beer, order a pizza and be 'one of the guys'.
Next time you sit down and talk to your hubby, ask him 'What would you change in this family?',and while you're at it, have EVERYBODY write out a list each, (except the 18 mth old of course) what they like or don't like about the family and activities. Ask your kids if they really want to do all those extra-curricular activities. See what the family has to say.

Sorry to say, but to me it sounds like you're too busy. Take a break, be lazy, relax. Think about what's best for the family.
Be honest, when was the last time that the whole family sat at home doing nothing?
Kids can get stressed out too ... listen to them ...

I used to do all that, be involved, extra-curricular activities and so on until the kids asked why we're never home just laying around, goofing off, watching TV together, playing games and so on. Tell ya what, we quit all the extra stuff. It's been a lot less stressful that way ;)

No need to try keeping up with the neighbors, friends ... think about it ...

[raybeck]

I don't have the magic words either. My DH has always been involved with our two children, from birth on up. We are both still very involved with our girls and their family's, even now. It would be nice if you could figure out what needs to be done to get him involved...I could not imagine our family any different than it is, and we are all very close.

Maybe Nosey, hit on something about you being so busy, maybe he feels you don't have time for him, just the kids? Ya think? It kind of makes sense to me, but then again, none of us really know your exact situation, either. You have to make time for one another, as well as, a family as a whole.

Good luck to you, maybe someone will answer that has been thru you situation themselves, that can better understand it, like JAW has done, at least her DH did see the light before it was too late for any of them!

[jamesglewisf]

I can't help either. This might be a good one for a marriage counselor.

[Justawoman]

The bottom line is you can't change anyone unless they want to change. You will only drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to change them. You can tell him what you would like to see changed and then leave the ball in his court. Just because he doesn't communicate doesn't mean you should shut down.

My hubby grew up with parents that could have cared less if he was involved in sports, music, or anything extracurricular. I can honestly say, after watching his parents raise a grandchild, he modeled his parenting skills from his parents with our older two. They can change but they have to want to change. Don't you think seeking out counseling before he is ready to admit a change needs to be made would be fruitless?

Noesy is right, you can be over busy. I was well aware of that when our girls hit the "I need to be involved age". I didn't do the peewee sports or any of that kind of early age stuff. We were a stay at home family. When they hit the age after 10 is when we got involved in sports, music, etc....

I still remind my girls to not over extend themselves. Do make for sure you are not gone over 80% of the time from the house. My hubby has Sunday nights. It is his movie night for all of us to watch his pick of a movie together. He really looks forward to these nights. He also has learned and adjusted his work schedule to be home at night on the girls downtime. Even our older girls have commented on how he has changed. It did take time though and a life time of bad habits don't change over night.