Karenluvs6
11-16-2000, 07:07 AM
A priest went home for dinner with a family of new converts.
He was received cordially by all but the small daughter in
the family, who stared at him unblinkingly throughout the
meal.
The priest, somewhat uncomfortable, tried to put the little
girl at ease. "Is it my collar you are staring at?" he asked,
taking it off and holding it up. When he did so he saw the
cleaning instructions on the inside of the collar, and to make
conversation, he asked, "Do you know what it says here?"
"Yes," responded the little girl, it says, kills fleas for
six months."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group
of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed
a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and
was pulled over.
The Policeman handed him the ticket, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was
speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other
cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the
ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..."
the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front
of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself,
"Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a
patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat." And she pushes him back onto the seat.
A minute later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted
again and refuses to let him up.
This goes on a couple more times over the next few minutes.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, I was supposed to get off
two stops ago. Please let me get up.
------------------------------------------------------------
A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up
to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He
broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all
the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed
and the truck pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification
purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African
elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the
sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian
elephant has little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the
jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head."
------------------------------------------------------------
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
coworkers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that
acts up once in a while."
"Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Josh said.
"No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley
Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television." exclaimed
Andy
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to
buy a surprise formal evening gown for his wife.
"What size is does your wife take?" asked the clerk.
The man shrugged blankly. Trying to help, the clerk inquired,
"Well then, what are your wife's measurements?"
The man thought for a moment. "Small, medium, and large in
that order."
He was received cordially by all but the small daughter in
the family, who stared at him unblinkingly throughout the
meal.
The priest, somewhat uncomfortable, tried to put the little
girl at ease. "Is it my collar you are staring at?" he asked,
taking it off and holding it up. When he did so he saw the
cleaning instructions on the inside of the collar, and to make
conversation, he asked, "Do you know what it says here?"
"Yes," responded the little girl, it says, kills fleas for
six months."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group
of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed
a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and
was pulled over.
The Policeman handed him the ticket, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was
speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other
cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the
ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..."
the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front
of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself,
"Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a
patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat." And she pushes him back onto the seat.
A minute later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted
again and refuses to let him up.
This goes on a couple more times over the next few minutes.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, I was supposed to get off
two stops ago. Please let me get up.
------------------------------------------------------------
A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up
to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He
broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all
the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed
and the truck pulled away."
The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification
purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African
elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the
sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian
elephant has little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the
jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head."
------------------------------------------------------------
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
coworkers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that
acts up once in a while."
"Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Josh said.
"No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley
Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television." exclaimed
Andy
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to
buy a surprise formal evening gown for his wife.
"What size is does your wife take?" asked the clerk.
The man shrugged blankly. Trying to help, the clerk inquired,
"Well then, what are your wife's measurements?"
The man thought for a moment. "Small, medium, and large in
that order."