Romance...

[Karenluvs6]

What is your idea/ideas of true romance?
What truly puts you in the mood?

[Rhonda]

Let's see true romance, to me is someone who is very caring, affectionate, truly able to see my needs. All of those things usually put me in the mood also.

[cool chic]

Let's see....when my hubby thinks of my feelings before his own...a nice big spontanious hug...candles....soft music!!

[Anat]

Being away from him for two weeks made me real romantic when he returned :)

It's lots of hugs and kisses for us everyday! And he's so considerate. He keeps making me things to drink and eat while I work.

[Debby]

My idea of true romance is the small things...like a backrub, or snuggling on the couch together, or hearing...I love you, for no reason. Too much emphasise (sp?) is put on sex these days...I think a woman needs more romance to truley get her into the mood.

[jamesglewisf]

My wife always says that romance begins with me taking out the trash. LOL!

Then it continues with talking and sharing what's happening. She likes holding hands too.

[roldfiel]

I guess I always thought romance was flowers and candy. However, this trip has made me realize that romance is in the love you feel for one another. Last Sunday when I talked to my hubby he was talking about how he hadn't seen any movies and was waiting for me to get home. I apologized and told him he didn't have to wait. He said "yes I do, we watch movies in a certain way together. We argue over the meanings and have different opinions of films. I just can't watch anything without you there" Iguess I never really thought he paid that much attention to stuff like that. We both know that now not a moment will go by where we don't let the other person know how much they are loved. Romance has become the Sunday calls, the daily e-mails, the support and the love.

[RoadRunner]

wrong thread.

[Karenluvs6]

At the risk of embarrassing my sweet Beezwax....he is very romantic. Little things, like holding hands. He holds my hand/hands all the time. Sitting, standing, walking, playing a game..etc. And when he is sitting on the sofa watching TV, he always calls me over and tells me to cuddle up next to him.....he's so sweet!
I also think that a lot of laughter is romantic too...Beezwax laughs all the time with me...He jokes around, does voices and stuff like that all the time...Probably about 2/3 of the day, he is laughing.
The flowers and music are fantastic, but sometimes little things, that don't cost....are very romantic too.

[Debby]

You guys are making me a bit sad...I don't seem to have any of that in my marriage.

[jamesglewisf]

There is a way to fix it. Start doing it yourself, and let your hubby know what romance means to you. Husbands like it when wives initiate hand holding and other romantic gestures.

Roadrunner talked about telling your hubby your expectations in a thread here:

http://frappydoo.com/forum/showthread.php3?threadid=513

[Debby]

I am goingto go check that thread out as soon as I answer your post. I have tried to tell him how I feel...and what is romantic to me. But to no avail. And holding his hand seems irritating to him. He's not much into displays of affection.(unless he's wanting more than that) I love this man very much, but I get so lonely, he doesn't visit, and I love to talk obviously, and I like to have someone to comment on the movies we watch, or laugh at things on TV with, or discuss politics or whatever....okay...nevermind...I've gotten way of track here...this thread is about romance. sorry.

[jamesglewisf]

Debby,

Relationships can be hard, can't they? There's really no easy solution to relationship problems. I wish I could tell you to just do a, b, and c; and then everything will turn out fine. But it usually isn't that easy.

I guess what I would do in your situation is try to figure out what your husband's turn-ons are, and I don't just mean sexual turn-ons. What are the things that really make him feel important, fulfilled, and loved? Focus on doing those things without any expectation of anything in return or even a postitive response. Also try to figure out which things annoy him and avoid those as much as possible.

Do it for the sheer pleasure of knowing that you are pleasing him. It will have to be done out of selfless love. If he gets suspicious and asks why you are doing something or why you quit doing something, tell him it's because you love him.

[jamesglewisf]

So why do all of this if you won't get anything in return? Well, most people don't experience that much selfless love. We can convice ourselves that people only do nice things for us because they want something in return. If you experience selfless love long enough, it can chip away at this kind of thinking. There is a proverb that talks about this:But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.So what happens if you do this for one, two, five or ten years and nothing comes of it? Something will come of it--you will be a different person. You will have learned how to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. That's the closest you can come to understanding how Jesus could say about those crucifying Him, "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." That is awesome.

But, that said, chances are that it will have an impact on your husband, maybe not immediately, but eventually; maybe not a huge impact, but an impact nevertheless. It is hard not to be worn down by relentless love.

Will you get worn out trying? Most certainly. Will you want to give up? Only if you are human. Just come get recharged here.

[jamesglewisf]

You know what? I encouraged my wife for six years to invite girlfriends over during the day to visit before she started doing so.

My wife is still trying to teach me how to be caring and tender with her. I regularly (daily) say things that hurt her feelings.

I got rather depressed when we were engaged because during that 11 month period, I only had one day where I did not have to apologize to her at least once for saying something stupid. That was one day out of about 300!

Change takes time and hard work. Relationships are hard.

[jamesglewisf]

BTW, could I do all of that selfless love stuff? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but it is a lot easier to write about it than to put it into action.

So don't take what I wrote as preaching at you. You are in a tough situation, Debby--one that I haven't experienced. I have no idea what I would do or be capable of doing in your circumstances.

[Karenluvs6]

Jim is right Debby.
Sometimes you may have to do things 'just' for him...even if you don't want to or don't like it.
This is how relationships are...give as well as take...and most times, give more than take. I've learned through mistakes of my own, that what makes hubby happy, even if I don't want to do it, will in turn make me happy too.
Relationships are like anything else in life...if you don't express how you feel, or what you want or need...They'll never know! Even if you have to spell it out for your partner.
Your situation sounds a little more complicated than that though...Have you ever considered counseling of some sort?
Maybe you should ask hubby if he would be willing to go.
Sounds to me like you two may need to talk to someone.

We are here for you Deb, no matter what you decide to do.
karenluvs6

[Debby]

I know marriage is give and take, but it seems like mostly I give and give and give, and he just takes. I don't feel like MY needs get met. And I am getting to the point where I am so tired of worrying about his happiness, when he doesn't seem to care at all about mine. I know he loves me, and I am not willing to give up on this marriage. I just don't know what to do anymore...and sometimes I get resentful because I feel neglected, emotionally. A girl who works at the same place I do, died yesterday in an awful car crash on her way to work. It was the other guys fault, he lost control. She left behind 4 little children...I cried for her, and when I told my husband, he said nothing. Didn't even hold me, even though she and I werent real close, it's a small work place, and I knew her well and spoke to her every day almost, and she seemed like such a nice girl. I guess maybe I expect too much from him, I know men have a hard time expressing their emotions. As for counciling, he said no way.

[Debby]

But I do appreciate the advice, by the way. Thanks.

[Karenluvs6]

having a hard time expressing feelings is no excuse Debby.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like it is more than just that.
If you say he loves you, I don't doubt it, but he sounds like he is an unfeeling person to me. Sorry.
I would feel neglected too if my hubby wouldn't hold me or talk to me about stuff that was bothering me.
Maybe you should give him a taste of his own medicine...act like you don't care....even though you really do....be all quiet and keep to yourself, like he does. Maybe he'll get the picture.
I hope I didn't sound like I was preaching to you in the last post...or telling you how to care for your man....I know you don't need me for that....I am just trying to help you with some ideas of my own.
you're in my heart Debby.
karenluvs6

[jamesglewisf]

I too don't believe there is any excuse for that kind of behavior. I don't think I would give him a taste of his own medicine though. It's hard to know what to do, especially when you are worn down by constant trying. I also didn't mean to sound like you should spend your life worrying about upsetting him. That's no kind of life either.

[Debby]

I have tried the whole, giving him a taste of his own medicine thing, and it doesn't work. It doesn't make him realize how I must feel when he does it to me, it only makes him feel even more sorry for hisself, and makes him retreat even farther into his own little world, and gives him more of a reason to feel like the victem, so to speak.

[Debby]

I don't know guys....I have prayed and prayed about this...I love him, I don't want anyone else, but he is so unhappy....he never smiles or laughs with me like he used to (we have only been married a little over 6 years) He only laughs and smiles when the kids are here. When I ask him what is wrong, he says..."I don't know. I am just unhappy....I am bored with my life." and when I say...would you be happier without me, or with someone else? because if so, no matter how much it would hurt me, I would rather let you go than to see you unhappy like this the rest of your life.....he says....No...I don't want anybody else, i love you. and so then I say, what do you want to do to make your life less boring for you? Then he says I don't know....there's just no excitment anymore....we never do anything. So to this i reply...But I would LOVE to do more! Let's go see a movie, or go out for supper, or get together with friends...and to this he replies...I don't want to see the movie, there's nowhere good to eat, and that's not what i want. WHAT DOES HE WANT????????????? He says he doesn't know....just that he is bored and unhappy, yet he won't take any of my suggestions to go out anfd have fun. He says it isn't me....but it HAS to be doesn't it? And in the process of figuring out what is wrong with him, and what would mkae him happy, I feel like I am losing myself. Gosh, I'm sorry....this is Frappydoo, not tell us all your troubles and make us all feel awful forum. I just hurt so bad.

[wdn2000]

Romance to me is him coming home from a long day at work and saying,"Hey, I will get the kids bathed and fed, you go jump in the tub!" Then as the cherry on top adding, "Lay across the bed and read for a while." That just totally relaxes me and means so much because he has worked all day too. When bedtime comes around I am relaxed and ready to cuddle and chat about not only each others day but other things that might get overlooked otherwise. But, don't get me wrong I reciprocate. If he comes in a few hours early I always say, "Why don't ya go hunt? I'll have dinner ready when you get back." However, do not think that either senarios happens very often at my house. I guess thats why when it does it means so much.

[blinc]

Awww, Wdn2000 that is special! It's great that you both make the effort to show appreciation for the other and do those extra nice, little/big things like that for each other. It makes all the difference in the world doesn't it? :)

[wdn2000]

yes Blinc it does make all the difference. NOW if I could just get that man to run my bath and bring me strawberries and chocolate dip..hhmmmm? LOL

[blinc]

Ooooh. {eek} If you ever figure that one out, share it with the rest of us!!

[blinc]

Originally posted by jamesglewisf
You know what? I encouraged my wife for six years to invite girlfriends over during the day to visit before she started doing so.

My wife is still trying to teach me how to be caring and tender with her. I regularly (daily) say things that hurt her feelings.

I got rather depressed when we were engaged because during that 11 month period, I only had one day where I did not have to apologize to her at least once for saying something stupid. That was one day out of about 300!

Change takes time and hard work. Relationships are hard.

Ok, my curiosity has just gotten the best of me and I can't resist asking this. What were the types of things you were saying on a daily basis that you hae to apologize for? I hope that's not being too nosey, but I just can't stand not knowing! I have a bad habit of sticking my foot in my mouth too, but not on a daily basis. *thank goodness* Your wife must love you very much to see past the blunders to the good underneath. :)

[Austruck]

Debby,

Is your husband a Christian? Perhaps his unhappiness is a spiritual dilemma. Just a thought.

I think there is a fine line between crowding a person who is genuinely unhappy and helping them by making sure you're asking them enough how they're doing. Sometimes people who are unhappy and bored to the point of frustration would find question-asking to be nagging! Weird, but true.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is keep up a cheerful disposition around the house and kids and hubby -- and MEAN it, don't just play-act it. Be sure to write down a daily little list of "things I'm thankful for," and it'll be easier to walk around humming a cheerful tune and smiling.

Even if it doesn't rub off on your husband (and we should pray that it eventually will), at least you'll be keeping your priorities straight and also helping your children learn how to be content in every situation.

[blinc]

Debby, sounds like you're getting some good advice here and please don't feel bad about sharing your troubles with us. We all have troubles and sometimes it just feels so good to be able to talk to people about what's bothering us.

You know, I had a friend who went through some similar emotions (or lack of) as what your husband is displaying. The feelings of being bored... not really caring about her family or life. Just blah all the time. A couple of us finally convinced her to see a doctor... it turns out she was suffering from a form of depression. She was put on medication, it took a couple months but slowly she returned to the person we used to know. It's just a thought Debby, but do you think your husband might be having a problem with this? Would he consider going to a Doctor to have himself checked? It's not necessarily a mental illness, sometimes depression can be brought about by chemical imbalances in the body. Just a thought. :)

[Austruck]

blinc,

I hadn't thought about the depression angle. That makes SO much sense. And thankfully, there's far less stigma attached to being treated for depression now, because it's understood so much better. A small chemical balance change could make all the difference if that's what it is. I have several friends who could attest to this sort of treatment changing their lives!

[Debby]

Well, I doubt very much that he would consent to seeing a doctor or therapist, but you pose a good question, as far as the depression, and that really does worry me, because his father killed himself(with a gun) when he was only 6 years old. Noone wants to talk about it much in his family, but I gather he was awfully depressed, and left behind 5 kids, ranging in age from 13 to a baby. I have always worried that this depression might run in the family some how.

[kezzer]

Wow! I can't believe I missed this thread. Debby, I'm so sorry to hear about the way you've been treated by your husband. It's not fair to you. I hope he gets some sence and does something to help your marriage. It seems awful coinidental about his father, there just has to be a way to convince him to seek help. I'm sure he doesn't like feeling the way he does either. I guess some people are just so stubborn. I hope you two can work through this tough time some how. And remember, whenever you need to talk, you can always come here.

[wdn2000]

Wow Debby this all sounds very scary. My heart goes out to you. You might want to research depression and how it can run in families because I think it can. You cannot help your husband if he doesn't want help. But you can arm yourself with the information you need to help yourself and your children<if you have children>...God Bless.

[Karenluvs6]

wdn2000 is right Debby...you have to inform yourself about this.....it's for your own good!
You have to know what's out there....You have to know what your options are. There are different kinds of depression....and most of them run in families. Please be careful with this....it is a very scary thing...but it can be a little easier if you know what it is....and what you can do to help.
Debby, Please feel free to email to talk at any time.

[Alpha]

I just read this thread.

Debby - here are a few links that might help:

What Family and Friends Can Do to Help Someone Who is Depressed (http://www.noah-health.org/english/illness/mentalhealth/cornell/recovery/helpdep.html)

http://www.prozac.com/

http://www.depression.com/

The Biology of Emotions -Self help for anxiety, depression, and mood disorders (http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/anger.html)

Symptoms of Depression (http://www.mediconsult.com/mc/mcsite.nsf/condition/depression~educational+material~pvif-4eu2nb)

Some facts I've gathered:


One in eight Americans, or 12.5% of the U.S. population, suffers from depression.

Over 80% of people with depression can be treated successfully with psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of the two.

There is a genetic predisposition to depression.

Depression is not caused by personal weakness, laziness, or lack of will power. It is a medical illness that can be treated.



From my experience, all I can say is - Thank God for Prozac!

Talk to him about this and be there for him. Remember - it's not your fault or his!

[Anat]

:)

That waht happens when two people in the same house participate in the same forum. That was me posting about prozac and depression - not Alpha...

[Karenluvs6]

Excellent Anat!
I have been looking since I read that last post by Debby, for some information to give her about this....You hit every one of them!
Good research!

[blinc]

That's some good helpful information Anat!

Debby, just another thought here... does he have a regular physician? One you could talk too? Sometimes a family doctor can offer you a lot of helpful advice on how to handle this type of situation and maybe give you some ideas on how to get him in there to be checked out. It is really sad and it must be scarey for you to be going through this. I hope if this is what the problem is, that somehow your husband finds a way to make himself get treatment.

[Debby]

Thank you ALL for the advice and information....I plan on looking up the websites you mentioned, and I do know prozac helps, because I myself have been on it.

He seems to be doing alot better since we almost split up last week, so maybe things will be better....I know he has a good heart, and he loves me, he just gets depressed.

Alot of it is because his two children from his first marriage don't live with us, and he wishes he could see them more than once a week. That's understandable....he is a wonderful father!

That's another reason I don't think he'd ever do what his father did, no matter how depressed he got, because he loves those kids so much, and he always says his own father couldn't have loved him or his brothers and sisters to do what he did, and leave them. So I know he would never do that to his children, he resents his own father so much for what he did.

Thanks for the help guys, and your friendships mean so much to me, I know I have family here... Love you guys!!!!!!

[jamesglewisf]

Thanks for the update, Debby. We'll keep praying for your family.