Motherinlaw adoring ex

[PhilJ]

I have been married to my current wife for 5 years now. My wife has a teenage daughter from a previous 5 year realtionship with another man. They were never married. My motherinlaw makes no bones about how much she adores this man and how good a father he is to her granddaughter. She aways seems to toot this guys horn on how how great he is. Even though I am married to her daughter my motherinlaw treats him more like family than me. She gives him money and they go out to eat together. She even keeps pictures of his family members on the walls of her home. None of my married pictures are displayed in her home. The first Christmas we spent in my home as a family he was invited over and received all the attention from my motherinlaw and my wife and of course her daughter. My motherinlaw really hurt my feelings when she said loud enough for me to hear, " things just arent the same sinse her daughter and her ex were divorced". "They were never married for Christ sake." I might add that my motherinlaw and her granddaughter are very tight buds. For that matter the ex, motherinlaw, and granddaughter seem to have their own mutual fan club all their own. Its pretty remarkable and almost comical how they gloat about one another around me all the time. I feel like I have been very good to my wife but my mil acts like she does not want to get too close to me. I try my best to put my best foot forward but she is very standoffish to me but very adoring to ex. I dont feel like part of this family, more like a boyfriend. This guy had a opportunity to marry my wife but I feel he only wants what benefits him and because my wife has issues with depression he did not want to deal with that. He does like the perks that MIL who has deep pockets provide for him and the fact she makes him out to be a hero. I just dont understand what point my MIL has to toot this ex horn all the time. This is unsettling to me.

[Blondie_girl]

Sounds the MIL is playing favorites. You are in a tough situation that is obviously eating away at you. Maybe you should be forward and ask her about her standoffish mannerism toward you. Just be tactful in your wording and don't bring up the ex's name. He will always be a part of the picture since he is the father of your wife's child.

Put your best foot forward, inquire, and see what happens. At least let your wife see that you are making an honest effort to have the relationship with her mother. Good luck!

[PhilJ]

Yes the situation does eat away on me. I am tired of MIL and even my wife tooting this mans horn. Last night I was tending to my wife who is in the hospital recovering from surgery. MIL was there also. She told my wife how a freind of hers let her know how wonderful a father ex is to her granddaughter at a funeral of a relative. I dread going to family functions when ex is there because he is always the center of attention and MIL is her usual standoffish to me. I dont need that. THis by the way is my second marriage and my ex IL's never treated my that way. I am tired of the adoration of this ex being rubbed into my face as if I dont have any feelings.

[jamesglewisf]

This is going to sound tough.

You married someone with a child from another man. You didn't have to. You're going to have to deal with it. Be glad that he is not a constant thorn in his daughter's and your wife's side. That would be a whole lot worse.

A lot of people have jerks for inlaws. I'm sure you knew them before you married your wife. You didn't have to marry into that. You're just going to have to deal with it.

There is an old proverb that says, "Where there are no oxen, the barn is clean, but much profit comes from the strength of the ox." What does that mean? It means that your barn won't have any poop in it if there are no oxen there, but without the oxen, you won't make as much money. What on earth does that mean? It means that if you are going to marry another person, then you, she, your kids, your parents, your inlaws, and others are going to be pooping in the nest. We're humans. We do that. If you want a nest with no poop in it, then you'll have to kick everyone out, including yourself. Of course, by doing so, you'll lose all of the benefits of the relationships with other people.

[PhilJ]

Yes I guess you are right that I knew the situation I was getting myself into when I got married.

[Justawoman]

Well put James.

All I could think of when I first read Phil's initial post was," geez it sounds like the MIL is in love with this ex." Sounds wierd but that is what popped into my head. If you want your wife then sounds like you will have to put up with it as James said.

[raybeck]

I'm curious if you have ever had a talk with your wife regarding this? Seems to me that is she loves you, she would not want her mother acting the way she does...I would not want someone I love to feel the way you feel. I'm just curious if she notices it, too, and if so, why wouldn't she talk to her mom about it? I know I would stand up for my husband, to anyone that did not seem to accept him. Looks to me like your wife needs to try and correct some of this, if she really cares about you. I would not want my husband to have to be subjected to this, so I would not go to family functions if the rest of the family could not honor that...that's just how I feel, may not be the correct text book version, but my DH comes before anyone else, and that would include my mother, etc., because I love him, and it only makes sense to me that if you love someone you would want them to feel accepted by all of your family...I don't care if an ex-whatever is in the picture or not! If someone in my family did not accept my husband then they would just have write me off too!

Jim, I understand what you are saying, too, but sounds to me like the other relationships are kind of one sided...therefore, if they don't try to accept the new husband, he is better off not to have anymore of a relationship with them than what is absolutely necessary. I would never subject my husband to any of that ... but, maybe after only 5 years of marriage I would not have been able to be so bold, I do know that after 34 years of marriage, you accept me, you accept Ray, or bye bye!!!

[PhilJ]

Yes I have talked this over with my wife and she typically defends her mom and her ex for their actions. I know how I am supposed to be treated and I feel her mom should be treating me like I am the son inlaw and not him. We were married in a church and they were not. His choice, not my wifes. He even made my wife sleep in a different bedroom because he is so anal about having his own space. The whole family is very submissive to this ex because of the power they have given him through the granddaughter. In my opinion I cannot have a normal relationship with MIL and my wife because this ex is so intrusive in my marriage.I wish this ex would find himself a wife and get his own family like normal people do. By the way my stepdaughter lives with her dad 20 miles from where I live. My MIL never comes over our house to visit unless she has her GD with her. MIL typically goes over the ex's house to spend family time with GD and her Dad, go shopping, out to eat, etc. She even bought the GD and her Dad brand new furniture for their new apt when they moved out of his cramped apt. She spent several thousand dollars. MIL works for a Chrisitan organization and she was able to get my wife and I old worn out furniture for our mobile home. (One couch and a recliner) My wife has not been able to hold a steady job for 5 yrs because of health problems. I
felt this was definitley showing favoritism.

[raybeck]

Well, Phil, all I can say is, if your wife defends her mom and her ex, there's your first problem. That makes no sense to me, if she loves you, why would she defend her ex, so guess that's a whole other ballgame, IMO. Best to you.

[PhilJ]

My wife is not going to admit that they are at fault. My step daughter has more power over her mother and GM that you could ever imagine. This is where the problem lays. I feel my boundaries are more considerate and theirs are selfish.

[jamesglewisf]

I think you need to accept responsibility for your actions. You admit that you knowingly married into this mess. The only way you are going to be happy is to accept your responsibility for your bad choice and work at making it better. Frankly, what you are really griping about is your poor judgment. You married this woman, and when you did, you married into all of her messed up family relationships. Instead of complaining about it, you need to find ways to be happy and to make it better. You can either sit around being unhappy, or you can make the decision to look past the junk and enjoy the good things.

It is better to have a an annoying MIL and a favored ex than an ex that is constantly dragging your wife to court and causing constant problems with the child.

It sounds like your wife was unemployed when you got married. Even if she wasn't, it is not her mother's responsibility to provide you furniture. That is your responsibility.

What you absolutely shouldn't do is divorce her over this. You are the one who messed up by marrying into her family. You can't divorce her for what existed before you married her.

Don't get the wrong idea. I'm sorry that you are going through this junk. I wouldn't enjoy it myself.

Every marriage has problems because a marriage consists of two people. We are selfish. We are uncaring. We get gray headed. We lose our hair. We get fat. We get fit. We grow apart. We lose jobs. We have bad inlaws. We have bad ex-spouses. We have illnesses. We have bad finances.

We are called to be longsuffering. We are supposed to overlook transgressions. We are supposed to do all we can to live at peace with all men -- including MILs and ex-spouses. If you spend more energy trying to do these things, trying to be the best spouse and son-in-law you can be, then even if they don't take notice, you'll have the honor of knowing that you are a great person in spite of your circumstances.

[PhilJ]

James you are so right. I knew all these issues all along. The reason why I stay is because I do love my wife. That is what makes me happy. I am too codependnt for my own good at times. I need to stop trying to change people. On the furniture matter I am not bitter on that. I know its MIL money to do what she pleases with it. I am pretty good with money and I actually go out of my way to not depend on MIL for it. MY wife is the one who initiated the furniture deal with MIL, not me. I was satisfied with what we had already. I am trying to control myself when my feelings get hurt and stay positive about the good things that I have received from my MIL. Thanks for your support.

[Justawoman]

Sounds like you just need to label this as what it is. If you can ever figure that one out to put a name with it. You keep mentioning the granddaughter and the power they give her biological father. Could it be they are concerned that if they are not overly nice to him he would make the granddaughter choose between him and her mother/grandmother and the child would choose him? If so then they most definitely need to grow up and get some sort of parental rights worked out.

You keep mentioning how much money your MIL spends on the ex and granddaughter. Sounds like she is trying to buy their love. In the long run she will be the one left out when she no longer can serve a purpose. As to why your wife is overly nice to him it probably is because she doesn't want to make the daughter feel she has to choose one parent over the other. But being too nice and overly sweet would get sickening. I agree with Beck just distance yourself from them when you know they will all be together.

[Grimey]

Philj,

You are a big man. Most men wouldn't swallow the tough medicine that James was passing out. Marriage is valuable and important, even when it is difficult. Recognizing that and working on it is what separates the men from the boys.

I hope you'll stick around and post elsewhere. We need strong men like you as members.

I'm very impressed.

[raybeck]

Philj,

You are a big man. Most men wouldn't swallow the tough medicine that James was passing out. Marriage is valuable and important, even when it is difficult. Recognizing that and working on it is what separates the men from the boys.

I hope you'll stick around and post elsewhere. We need strong men like you as members.

I'm very impressed.

I completely agree with Grimey, Phil, maybe by coming and posting on here you can at least have someone that will listen and be a friend. We would be happy to have you become a part of our FD family, anytime, you are most welcome!

As Grimey, said, most men would have grumbled about what Jim had to say, and you didn't, so that tells me alot about the kind of person you are, I bet you can make a go of this marriage, you obviously are a very strong person.

We are here, if you need us!!!

[PhilJ]

I really appreciate everyones kind thoughts and encouragments. I do plan on sticking around. Thanks