How do you comfort somebody?

[jamesglewisf]

How do you comfort somebody who has just gotten bad news? Divorce? Death? Cancer? Heart disease? Hospitalization? Loss of job?

What on earth do you say to that person? Do you say anything? How do you keep from hurting their feelings even more?

What have people said to you during a time of loss that hurt your feelings?

[Carrie Earls]

This is such a tough question, but a great one. I can't wait to see how others respond . . . I often wonder about the same thing.

One of the things I am remembering to do more often lately is to pray first. See if the Lord is directing me one way or another in what to say or do. Obviously, you can't go wrong by asking Him first, or by praying for the sufferer.

But I would say the biggest suggestion I have is NOT to avoid that person who needs comfort. So many people avoid those who are suffering because they are uncomfortable with the situation themselves, and then the sufferer gets hardly any comfort when they most need it. Bridge the gap. Be there for them, don't avoid them! Sometimes just having someone with me is a comfort. I'd rather be silent than alone. (However, if someone asks to be left alone, I wouldn't force myself on them.)

After bridging the gap, I usually just try a combination of listening (first) and then probing a little bit to see if they want me to say anything. But mainly I just listen.

This may sound wierd, but if I feel led to say anything or offer any advice, I usually ask first. "Would you rather I just be here to listen, or would you like me to think about your situation and offer some advice?" or "Would it help you for me to say something, or would you rather I just listen?"

Food for thought: I have rarely had anyone get upset with me for doing a good job listening!

Another thought: If you are the type person who very often gets told that you always have the right thing to say (some are actually blessed this way), then maybe you should feel a little more comfortable about offering words of comfort or advice. God may have gifted you for this purpose!

[jamesglewisf]

When you experience the death of your first baby and the 12-week ICU stay of your second baby, you get to hear just about every platitude and "my brother's sister-in-law had that" story there is. Add on top of that the fact that we can have no more children, plus several of my friends who have struggled with infertility, miscarriages, and the loss of a baby.

So what have I learned from it?

First off, the best thing you can say to a person who has just experienced a loss is, "That's really hard. I am so sorry. I love you." Or "Gosh. That's awful. I can't imagine what you are going through." Or just sit there and cry with them while saying nothing.

Ask for permission to ask more questions. For example, say, "My I ask you some questions about it?" "Yes." "Is it scary to see all of those tubes in your baby's arm?" "What is pappilary stenosis?"

That way, if they don't feel like talking about it, they don't have to.

[jamesglewisf]

Second, at least in my experience, when you are in the middle of a loss or bad news, you don't want to hear Scripture quoted to you. I know that God loves me, that all things work together for good, that He has a plan for me, and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But I just want to cry and tell somebody how much it hurts and have them agree with me that it must hurt real bad.

That might sound strange, but it's true. If someone wants some Scripture, he will ask for it. I know my Bible. I've read the entire thing several times, memorized parts of it, and even taught it. I believe every word of it, and it is a huge comfort to me; but when I am suffering, I don't want it quoted to me. I just want to tell somebody how bad I feel and have them nod in agreement.

Why do I feel this way? Because when I am frightened beyond measure that my wife might die, Scripture quotations don't eliminate my fear. The doctor telling me that the surgery was a success eliminates my fear.

Here is the strange part. In spite of all that, Scripture does comfort me. If I have a steady diet of Scripture before the tragedy, the Holy Spirit can use it to comfort me at just the right times. But when I am in the middle of panicking, having the Bible quoted to me doesn't fix everything. Instead of fortifying myself with Scripture, I have a friend trying to put a Scripture Bandaid on my wound.

Let me give you an example. When Jesus was walking up to Bethany, on the road he met Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus. Lazarus had died two days before, and all of the crowd was weeping because they loved Lazarus so much. When Jesus saw their sorrow, the Bible says that he wept. Now here is the interesting part, Jesus wept even though he knew that in a few minutes he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. Jesus knew the final outcome, he knew the truth, he knew that everything would turn out for good in the end, and yet he wept because of the sorrow of the situation.

In the face of a bad situation when we don't know the final outcome like Jesus did, it is OK just to weep.

[jamesglewisf]

Third, try not to tell them about your next door neighbor's sister's brother-in-law who had the same problem, and how he just took some medicine, and everything was fine. Don't tell them about a new drug you read about in the Wall Street Journal.

Anecdotes are not very comforting during a time of loss. Let the doctor tell your friend about the special treatment.

If your friend has colon cancer and you have never had cancer of any kind, you really need to keep the anecdotes to yourself.

If your friend has colon cancer and you just had a pre-cancerous mole removed, don't tell them you know what they are going through. You don't. However scary it was to worry about a mole, you weren't told you have a malignant tumor in your gut.

If your friend has breast cancer and you had colon cancer, you probably have some idea of what they are going through, but not exactly. Why? Because everybody's life experiences are different. No two people have exactly the same emotional make-up. Just be careful.

If your friend has the exact same kind of cancer you have had, then you are probably the most qualified person to talk to them other than a doctor, but you need to limit it to how awful it is. Don't start diagnosing them. Having cancer and having a medical degree are not the same thing.

Here is a pretty good rule of thumb: if she is a good friend, she will know you had cancer and will ask you questions about it when she is ready.

[jamesglewisf]

I think you are probably getting the picture that what Carrie said is true. The best thing you can do is just listen and try not to say much other than, "I'm sorry. That's awful."

Oftentimes, people will ask me what they can do for a friend that is going through something bad. I usually tell them what I just wrote here. It is important to teach each other how to be a comfort.

The funny thing about all of this: someone taught my wife and me this before all the awful stuff happened to us. We knew that most people are just uncomfortable and don't know what to say. Most people are trying to identify with you when they don't have a clue what you are talking about, so they just start talking about the closest thing to it they know or have heard. Most people mean well, they just don't know how to comfort a friend. Yet it still hurts when they say those things. There still ends up being people you wish just wouldn't visit.

What's even funnier is the fact that I know all of this, and I still blow it when trying to comfort a friend. I just have a hard time keeping my big mouth shut. I guess that's not funny, it's peculiar.

Speaking of keeping my big mouth shut, what are your experiences? What are things people have said to you during a tough time that hurt your feelings. Help us keep from making the same mistake by sharing them with us.

[jamesglewisf]

Oh. I thought of something. In cases of infertility, don't tell someone that they just need to relax to get pregnant. Teenagers can be nervous and scared and still get pregnant in the backseat of a car.

I have never met a person struggling with infertility that liked being told that. Even if it were true, they would just be stressed out over trying to relax. Unless you are a highly trained fertility specialist, don't say that.

Also, if I have trying for five years to get pregnant, I don't want to hear how your best friend tried for six years and then got pregnant. Your best friend has her baby. I don't. Other people's succes stories don't really give me comfort; they just accentuate my lack of success.

[sunrize]

I never avoid the person in need of comfort. I pray for them, and I tell them that I am praying for them. I rarely get any more spiritually aggressive than this, B/C at times like these it is unwelcome, and likely to clost the person off from you. Just being there is the biggest comfort. Most people do not know how to ask for help, so being available is important. I make contact frequently asking what I can do for them, so that they know that I am serious. I listen and talk very little.

[jamesglewisf]

It's interesting. I didn't think I would be discussing this with my employees today. I led two meetings for our employees to talk about the death of our receptionist. What do you say? What do you not say? Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable about going to the funeral? We had lots of questions and things to talk about.

I decided to have the sessions because I remembered what it was like about 10 years ago when the wife of our company president died. I had to walk by his office so many times, and I never knew what to say. It was hard. I figured other people might be feeling the same way this time about Kathy's husband and family.

[jamesglewisf]

Can I tell you about something strange? When you are standing there talking about your friend and co-worker who died three days ago, do you talk about her in the past tense or the present tense? It's very strange. You almost feel like you are dishonering her to talk about her in the past tense. It feels like, "Oh, that's someone I used to know," instead of, "That's someone I talked to last week." It really gives you mixed emotions. I can't imagine what her husband and children are going through. One day she was there with them, and the next day she was gone.

I can imagine what happens. Something happens at work, and you think, "I've got to call mom and tell her what happened." And it hits you that you can't call her. That's what you did last week, but now you cannot. Kathy's death was so sudden and unexpected, that it leaves you feeling like you are in limbo.

[cbreeze]

It's hard to know what to say or do in times of need.

Last month my family and I were at the car races, and before EVERY race I pray for NO wrecks. It's just something I don't want to see. But praying doesn't always help. Anyway, at this particular race, 2 girls about 12 were sitting behind me, all excited about watching their dad driving. There was nobody (adult) around, so I kind of looked after them, and just chatted for a while. During their dads race, there was a wreck, and it involved their dad. The piercing from one of the girls scream was all I heard. The wreck was bad, but I had a feeling that it wasn't fatal. (these cars are so padded and protected, that it takes a lot to for a driver to even get bruised......but it can happen). I jumped up, dropping everything in my lap in an attempt to comfort this poor girl......feeling her pain....Just to have her mother or aunt (I'm not sure which), push me aside, telling me that she will take care of the girl. I understood all of their emotions were running away with them, but even after they announced that the driver was alright, and the rest of the night, this mother or aunt continued to make comments about how some people should mind their own business. (She was refering to me).

I reached out to this girl because I thought she and her sister were alone, not because I was trying to intrude.

I didn't expect anything in return from her mother or aunt when she finally did enter the picture...in fact I was relieved that the girls weren't *alone*, But I almost regreted offering my comfort....to this girl who was in need of it from anybody at that time.

I would probably do it again in a heartbeat....

[sleon]

I don't have any hard-and-fast guidelines for how I help people who are grieving. I am much more sensitive to those who are grieving now than I was a few years ago because of everything that I have gone through in the past 4 years (divorce, financial failure, job loss, chronic illness, infertility, losing babies, terrible breakdown of my birth family, betrayal by those in my church community, yadda...does anyone not have a list like this by the time they've reached 30??). Being sensitized in this way REALLY helps. I don't feel like a dummy anymore when I try to comfort someone. Usually I just don't say much at all. Depending on the person, I give physical comfort--even just a hand on the shoulder. Sometimes I write special poetry for the person who is hurting. The only Scriptural thing I usually refer to is the very passage from John where Jesus weeps before raising Lazarus...because it has been VERY comforting to me personally to remember that God, the big dude who made everything, is *even now* mourning with us. Even if he's all-powerful and knows how it all turns out, right now he is weeping, too. Just being with people is one of the best things to remember to do...keeping the vigil, in a certain sense, whether it's at the hospital or in the weeks after something tragic happens.

How's that for a run-on paragraph...yeesh.

[TWTCommish]

I agree that most people do not want to hear about how so-and-so had the same problem, or even hear scripture. I personally believe though that something like "She/He is with God now", can help.

In cases of death, it is important to remember that it's part of His plan and that death on this Earth is not true death - despite this person's death, assuming they were a believer, they're happy now than you can even imagine.

I also agree that the best way to go about comforting someone is to ask them if they'd like you around, and if they want you to offer advice or not.

[Debby]

Well, I have first hand Knowledge at this subject...my father just passed away in August....he was 82, but he lived in his own home, and even still drove his car, and helped my brother with the farming...then one day, out of the blue...this strong man who had always been my rock, had a stroke. He was 47 when I was born, I am 35, he and I have always been close, I was his only daughter, and I am so thankful that god gave me such a good christian man for a father....I of course took him to the hospital when he had his stroke...he didn't even know what year it was, he thought it was 1930, he was so confused....and couldnt walk, but the doctor said he would be okay and he would come out of it....I prayed so hard!!! Then after 2 weeks they released him from the hospital, of course he couldnt live on his own yet, so we temperarily (so we thought) put him into the local nursing home to get stronger and get the therapy he needed....but he kept going downhill....and a week or so after we put him in the nursing home, about 3 weeks after his stroke, my brother (the only one of three brothers who lives in this state) called me at work and said...Debby, you'd better come here, quick...dads not doing good. That was an understatement. He was gasping for every breath he took....and this man whom God had used in his lifetime, to cast out demons, and pray for the sick until they were healed, looked up at me with his big blue eyes, and I knew he wasn't going to make it...and I told him to just let go....to go ahead and go be with God, whom he had served so well for so many years....and to be with my mother who had passed away from a stroke three years before. I have never felt such dispare and heartbreak as when he took his last breath, and I knew he was gone. It is still so hard for me to talk about, I am crying as I write this, it was only two months ago. But I still feel his love, and you know, as far as comforting me (which is the subject of this whole thread) the best words anyone could say was....he is in heaven now.

[jamesglewisf]

That sounds really hard. Neither my wife nor I have lost a parent yet. It will be awful.

[cool chic]

I have a very hard time trying to say something to someone who just lost someone close to them. I tend to sit in silence and let them know that I am there if they would like to talk. I think the hardest person I had to console was my father when his mother died. It was so hard seing my father cry...and I didn't know what to say to him. So I sat beside him consoling him and just letting him know that I was there for him. That is also when I really learned that it is really ok to cry. And it feels good afterwards too!

[RoadRunner]

Silence is always better than your foot in your mouth, which is my preferred method. Letting them talk and express what's on their heart is great. If they want a response, I'm sure they will ask for one.