How do you cope with being the new girlfriend?

[canuckchika]

Hello all, (First Post, but it will be a long one, the story is convoluted)

I have been dating a separated not yet divorced man for about 7 months; the divorce papers have been signed and are waiting for courts approval. As well, there is a 6 year age gap, him being 27 and myself 21. They have been separated since last February, and I started dating him in June, I know I’ve heard many times that its too soon, but what I’ve been told, and I trust him is that the marriage was over long before that, and the circumstances of his marriage were wrong in the first place. For the last year they slept in separate bedrooms, and basically were roommates. Okay but the problem I have, is that she is still in his and his family life. They were together for 8 years and married for 3, but no one seems to accept me or try to accept me. They don’t talk a lot anymore, she has called and invited him and I to hang out with her in the hot tub, and she really wants to meet me for some reason. I just do not understand their need to keep in contact, expect for their depending divorce, but she talks to him like I talk to my best guy friend, about her new boyfriends, and such. This bothers me, and he tells me why can’t still be friends because they didn’t break up bad, there was no animosity between them, they just didn’t love each other and would be happier with other people. The problem is he isn’t he isn’t all that nice to her when she does call, but cannot tell her to go away because they have to many people they know mutually when I ask he says he doesn’t actually care if she is around or not. As well, I just found out that his mother invited her to Christmas dinner, I got upset and he phoned his ex and asked her not to go which she actually understood and agreed not to go. So my questions, what to do about his family who don’t accept me, or want to accept me? Should I care that they still talk? Someone told me if I meet her it would help, would it? Or another advice some one wants to give me, it is hurting our relationship, as this is the only thing that we have argured about more than once…Thanks all!

* and there are no childern in involved at all*

[Radu]

If you want my unauthoritative advice (and, really, being single and not too active in dating, don't give too much weight to my opinion) then here it is:

I don't see any problem with them still visiting each other as long as they're not looking to get back together (If that's the case, then you should re-evaluate your relationship to each other). From a guy's perspective (at least that I can say with some authority), forbidding social contact is quite demanding... especially since they've been a part of each other's lives for so long. The only thing worse than having to divorce, is having a bitter divorce. I don't think meeting her could hurt anything. If nothing else, you could get a feel of her nature towards the situation (whether she feels threatened by you, or just doesn't care either way).

As far as being accepted by his family, I would just give it time. They may not have, completely, come to terms with the fact that he's going through a divorce. It's a hard thing to accept, and so I wouldn't take it personally if they don't show an interest in learning about his new girlfriend. Continue being nice to them, and showing an interest, and they'll begin feeling more comfortable.

[mary]

Please be careful. I to am dating a man who was seperated when we first met. I asked him over and over and over would he go back to her. He insisted the answer was no, and said he just needed time to get over the way it ended, etc.
A few months later the divorce was final. Now after 8 months of being with him, he wants to go back to her. He said he will be willing to go to counseling, whatever it takes. If he thinks things will change, he is going back, even though he said he had been falling in love with me. However, because of their years together, he misses her.

[Justawoman]

Can I say? Do I dare say it? Duh!! They were a family at one time. How do you just forget that even there are hard feelings there for whatever reason?

I am sure divorced/seperated couples miss the comfort zone they had with familiarity.

I can't imagine having to enter the dating/single scene again. Gosh that would scare me to death. So yep I can understand why once married folks would want the ex back on just that level. Sad reason but understandable.

[PhilJ]

If you want my unauthoritative advice (and, really, being single and not too active in dating, don't give too much weight to my opinion) then here it is:

I don't see any problem with them still visiting each other as long as they're not looking to get back together (If that's the case, then you should re-evaluate your relationship to each other). From a guy's perspective (at least that I can say with some authority), forbidding social contact is quite demanding... especially since they've been a part of each other's lives for so long. The only thing worse than having to divorce, is having a bitter divorce. I don't think meeting her could hurt anything. If nothing else, you could get a feel of her nature towards the situation (whether she feels threatened by you, or just doesn't care either way).

As far as being accepted by his family, I would just give it time. They may not have, completely, come to terms with the fact that he's going through a divorce. It's a hard thing to accept, and so I wouldn't take it personally if they don't show an interest in learning about his new girlfriend. Continue being nice to them, and showing an interest, and they'll begin feeling more comfortable.


canuckchika, your fiance should put your feelings first before the ex. They mutually decided to divorce and should go their seperate ways. Your future husband needs to concentrate all of his feelings and attention on you. He owes nothing to his ex but a good bye.