Another question about the ex

[Inultus]

LOL, so I answered a couple of threads in this forum before realizing they are over a year old. Oh well.

Here's my deal:

I'm 29, been in many relationships but never married. I'm now dating a 36 yr. old who has had 2 kids from her first marriage, and has been married twice.

Just the fact that she has already been divorced twice scares me, but I do really love her. She also loves me, and we get along great.

The only thing that sux right now is that she keeps me at arm's length from the kids, just in case these first couple of months are a fluke she doesn't want to expose me to them and then have me be gone. I understand that, and I respect her for caring about them first.

The ex, who has joint custody, is still hung up on her even though they've been apart 3 years. When he finds out about me he is liable to stalk us, threaten her (not with violence, but with trying to get the kids away), and just other stupid stuff like that.

I told her I eventually want to talk to him man to man and tell him, "Look, it's over between you two, she and I love each other, you need to get over it, move on, and be a man, at least for your kids' sakes."

Advice about my course of action with him when the time comes?

[Justawoman]

It's just not about you being with her. They have children together. He probably doesn't see another man in their lives either. Regardless of how he treats them or doesn't treat them he knows he is the father. You would be stepping in and taking his place in his eyes. If he is that hung up on her alone then she needs to find a way to handle that. But you getting physical with him is not the solution. Who do you think the kids would side with?

[jamesglewisf]

I would walk away and find someone with less baggage. Otherwise, you will probably end up being divorce number 3.

[Inultus]

James, while I am afraid that you could be right...

how do you figure out when you are right in rationally thinking that something might work...or just being chivalrous?

Although I know that her past does not speak well of her, I believe that through hard work together and me being the spiritual leader, we can get grow together. Perhaps I am just being too optimistic.

[jamesglewisf]

That's a good question, Inultus. What you do is you seek a multitude of wise counselors. And by wise, I mean people who are older than you spiritually and who know thier Bibles well and believe it to be true.

The Bible says that you are supposed to be equally yoked. Here is the image -- If you have two oxen yoked to a cart and one is stronger than the other, the weaker ox won't be pulling as hard. What ends up happening is that you go around in circles. The oxen don't pull the cart in a straight line. If they are pulling a plow, your field ends up a mess. The same would hold true if two people were paddling in a canoe. The weaker paddler would be paddling less hard and causing the canoe to veer off course.

Here is how you find a mate. You run the race, reading your Bible, serving in the church, and giving all you have to God. As you are running, you look beside you. If another person is running alongside you and can keep up, you start getting to know each other. If you have common interests and a common love for the Bible and God, and if you like each other, you get married. You don't want to slow down to find a partner. You'll just spend most of your marriage being dragged down by her.

The same picture was given to Israel. They were told not to intermarry with the nations that lived around them because their spouses would lead them into idol worship. I'm not saying that this woman will lead you into idol worship, but the first time there is a major conflict, she will choose what seems right to her rather than what the Bible says is right.

Frankly, her past doesn't speak well of her. If she was a Christian when all of that was going on, then it really speaks badly of her. If she has since gotten saved, she needs some time to be discipled by a more mature Christian woman. She needs to focus on raising her kids. It is not your responsiblity to rescue her. She needs the guidance and counsel of a mature Christian woman, not another husband. She needs time alone with God and her kids, not you.

I hate to sound silly, but find Dr. Laura on the radio -- not to listen to her advice, but to listen to the problems people have. 1/3 the people who call in are doing so because they married some loser thinking that they either couldn't do better or that they could change the other person. 1/3 of the people who call in are doing so because they married someone with children and are having trouble coping with ex's, their spouses, or their spouses children. The other 1/3 are people who had losers for parents and haven't gotten over it. They still want their daddy to love them when he never really did in the first place.

[jamesglewisf]

Here is what married couples, Christian and non-Christian alike fight over:
Finances - The Bible has over 2,000 verses talking about finances. If you turn to the Bible to make your decision, and she does not, there will be problems.
Child-rearing - The Bible has more to say about relationships than just about anything. Your job as a parent is to instill these things in your children and to discipline them when they don't obey. If they aren't your kids, it will be a battle. You will lose.
In-laws - You are supposed to leave and cleave. Your family is there for advice, but not for making your decisions. Here is the stickler -- you are adding someone to the tough in-law equation who isn't even supposed to be there - the biological father of the children.
Death and illness - Family members, friends, and even your children are going to die. How you face death and deal with death is a reflection of your relationship with God. If you see it differently, you won't be trying to cope in the same ways.

The list goes on and on. I can tell you that marriage is difficult enough when you have a loving and godly wife. Even when you are equally yoked, marriage is difficult. You don't need to make it more difficult by ignoring God's command to be equally yoked. Don't start the relationship with a sin.

[Justawoman]

James is correct when he says marry someone "equally yoked". I am currently seperated from my spouse of 22 years. Why? The spiritual life of our family was collapsing. Why? I had a spouse who gave verbal acknowledgement only to God and had a set of rules for our family that he was not living by. It was becoming more and more difficult for me and our girls to lead a spiritual life with hypocrisy running rampant in our household. You want someone that is actively seeking a relationship with God and not trying to fool others. It does catch up with them and usually in devestating ways.

[pack momma]

Just one more small point on being equally yoked in the Lord. Ecc 4:9-12 explains how in life 2 are better than one for many reasons, but the point of the matter is the part about a 3-fold cord that cannot be easily broken. When God is an intregal part of your life, he and his ways are what holds together what might otherwize fall apart.

So sorry to hear your own personal tragedy, JAW, you must be devastated. hopefully he will come to his senses.

[Justawoman]

No not devastated at all. Sad yes but not without hope. I am taking the steps to get me well. If I gave the whole story you would understand why I am not lost. Life happens and sometimes we have to finish our journey outside the picture we painted for ourselves. I'm not alone at all.

[Phantom]

Run away very very fast. She will make you number 3. I bet she wears all the pants in the relationship