What to do when you want out of marriage, but....

[FaerieMom03]

Here is what I mean.......I am not in love with my husband anymore and I really haven't been in a while. In fact, we separated about 2 yrs. ago and I wasn't making it finacially and he was going to have custody of our kids because of my mental disorder. So, I decided to come back for my kids. I am just going through the motions but I don't love him. About the only thing I do is I care because he is our kids father.

If I go through and try divorcing him, I would be up a creek because I can't work due to my disability and he is the only one bringing in the money. I would be broke and without kids.

I have thought about staying until our kids are a bit older and then maybe I will be more stable to find a small job and be able to be on my own but I don't know.

Can anyone lend a bit of advice?

[jamesglewisf]

Make the decision to love him. Then start acting like someone who does. Make his favorite meals. Greet him with a smile when he gets home from work. Ask him about his day. Listen to his answers and ask more questions. Thank him for providing for the family. Plan dates without the kids. Find an activity you both enjoy doing and do it. Pretend you are courting him like before you were engaged and try to do what will win his love. Use a nice nickname like "sweetie" or "sugar buns" or whatever. Buy some nice lingirie and wear it. Pursue him.

Keep doing it long enough and it will become natural. Love is a choice, not an emotion. You have to wake up every day and choose to love your spouse.

[ChristyPosting]

I respectfully disagree with Jim on this one. Although I doubt a comparison of Love to Hamburgers is a fair one, I dont think I could wake up everyday and tell me Hamburgers are my favorite meal when they arent. BUT.... at some point you used to LOVE Hamburgers and I would ask you to identify what was it that you loved about Hamburgers so much that you decided to marry. Getting away from the analogy..... Figure out what you used to love about your husband and then identify with that. If things have changed then you should tell him if you want to make your marriage work.

It is clear it is only financial why you have chosen to go back. I dont think it is for the kids because if you were financially well off, you wouldnt be with your husband. So to be honest and lay your cards on the table, you need to be honest with yourself as well as the information in your post. I do understand you are doing it for the kids to a certain degree but bottom line is you are back in the marriage due to financial reasons.

I think you should find someone in the social services sector to discuss your financial situation along with your medical history. Society doesnt allow people to "not make it" if it is known they cant make it. You need to tell a professional your situation. I would suggest contacting your local women's shelter or social services to see what financial options are available to you. Along with contacting these offices, remember staff are just that, staff. Sometimes you will get a staff person who says "nothing can be done" and if you keep trying you will eventually get to a person who will say "of course there is something that can be done and you have options".

I am not suggesting you dont put your best foot forward on attempting to work on your marriage. I am suggesting though that once you have exhausted the possibilities of making your marriage work, that you explore other options.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

[Grimey]

You rarely meet people who have exhausted the possibilities of making their marriages work because it takes work and it is exhausting. Nevertheless, that is what you agreed to when you said "till death do us part." There is no "I don't love you anymore" option in "till death do us part." Most people take the weenie way out, not that Faeriemom03 is. There is also no "if things haven't changed since you first fell in love with him" out in marriage either. Of course things have changed. You're both older. You've both been lazy in your marriage (like all of us have). You both have changed emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Life is change. You don't get to use that as an excuse to dump your spouse.

Here's what will happen. You'll go find someone else that you are sure you love today and 10 years later things will have changed again. Then you'll be dumping that one.

I agree with jamesglewisf -- "Love is a choice, not an emotion." Every day you have to make the choice to work hard at loving your spouse because as long as they are human, they will probably behave in an unlovable manner.

[MarriedforLife]

I agree with Jim too, make the decision to love your spouse and then start to think of the things that you admire about him. Remember the time when you were courting and the things you did then to catch his attention, start doing some of those things again. If you start making the change then with a little time he will start to make changes also, but recognise that you have to change things to change the situation. One definition of madness is doing the same thing time and time again and expect a different result.

[tface]

Don't have kids.

[ocicat]

Have you tried marriage counseling at all? It might be one way to identify what has caused some of the spark to leave your marriage. Maybe you have some unresolved conflicts bubbling beneath the surface that might be adding to your feeling that it's not worth salvaging. Maybe there's some pent up animosity on his end, too, that might be causing him to not act as kindly to you as you would like. It's worth looking into, even if you have tried it in the past. If you have tried it before, perhaps try a different therapist.

I like what Christy said about trying to identify what it was you used to love about your husband. Does he still have some of those qualities? Did you used to have things in common that you both used to enjoy together? What has happened to change that?

I would take it a step further and try to identify the things about him that you don't like, too. Are they major things, or just minor annoyances? A very serious question that you certainly don't have to answer here: Does he hurt you either physically or verbally? If there is genuine abuse, then many people might agree that it's better to cut your losses and get out, preferably with the children. If, on the other hand, the issues you have with him are simply a loss of interest on both of your parts, frustration with certain behaviors, or feeling as though your needs are not being met, these may be things that can be worked out.

With regards to your mental illness, might I ask if you are seeking medical and/or psychological attention for this problem? As you already know, some mental illnesses can be extremely difficult to live with, but with appropriate medical and psychological therapy lots of folks with mental illness can be highly functional, if not almost completely normal. If you are already getting treatment, but still do not feel you can function on a normal level, I would suggest stressing to your psychiatrist (if you are on meds) that the medication is not working for you, and see if they can try something else. If you are not already getting psychotherapy, I would highly suggest it. It's not for everyone, but it certainly helped me to understand a lot of my internal triggers for my own depression. If money/insurance is a barrier to treatment for you, definitely speak to a social worker, and consider government assistance programs like medicaid. There is no reason you should have to live with your pain.

Also, I do not know what type of mental illness you are suffering from, but if it is a mood disorder like depression, have you considered the possibility that some of your perceptions about your marriage are colored by your mental illness? Speaking from personal experience with severe depression, we may perceive our world in a skewed fashion when affected by mental illness. I almost quit my career a few months ago because I felt I was terrible at everything I did, and believed that I was performing exceptionally poorly. These were completely untrue, and it wasn't until I sought proper therapy that the clouds began parting and I realized how my view of the world was so intimately affected by my mood disorder. I'm so glad I got therapy when I did, because it would have been a terrible mistake to quit my job after all I have worked for.

I hope you find a good solution to your marriage, health and financial problems. These are some tough problems, and you certainly sound like you have a lot on your plate right now. Try to make some time for yourself, to relax and think about things objectively. Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon!

[Sophialiu]

Don't have kids before you love him.