Scared

[roldfiel]

Hey everybody,
I know that I have tended to be a little negative on this thing and I apologize. however, I need some support. I go home in 2 weeks and 5 days and I am scared. I know I love my husband, but am worried that I am not going to fit in that life. I am afraid that we won't want eachother anymore. I know I can only go forward, but am just afraid of losing what I have or even worse that I won't want what I have. Please tell me that this is just normal. I am so anxious to go home and at the same time terrified to leave. Does that make sense? Everyone seems to offer such great support when I read worries and fears on this site and I hope I will receive the same. I am just struggling to get through these last couple of weeks and feel like I will never get out of Russia. once again-sorry for always being so down, I really am a fun and enjoyable person.

[blinc]

Roldfiel, I think it's normal to feel what you feel. You've been apart for awhile... maybe this will help? My husband had to go to Jamaica for about 6 weeks one time. It was an emergency power supply construction job for the Jamaican government. We had been together for oh, probably 11 or 12 years by then. Believe it or not, when the day came to meet his returning plane at the airport, I was nervous as all get out. Felt a lot of the same doubts you felt. Was worried that "something" might have changed between us. It was weird! The reunion went great, but it did take a couple days for us to readjust to being around each other again. You wouldn't think after such a short time apart it would make much difference, but it did. After a few days, it was like we had never been apart. But yep, that feeling of newness was there for a few days.

It sounds like you've made a home for yourself, you've become somewhat attached to it and of course, you're nervous about leaving it. It's just one of those weird things about life... guess we're creatures of habit after all! :) I bet everything will be fine after a few days together for you and your guy too. Sounds like you have a case of the jitters and I think it's normal. Don't know if this helped any... but I sure will be thinking of you!

[roldfiel]

Thanks Blinc! It does help to know that I am not completely abnormal. I know it will all turn out okay it is just difficult because there isn't anything I can do right now. I have to just wait for 21/2 weeks and then go home. I wish I could just go home now, but it is almost there and I just have to be patient. I feel like a little kid, but maybe in this area I am!

[RoadRunner]

What you are feeling is very normal. I have actually read about this in marriage books, experienced it myself, and heard others talk about it. So don't think you are weird.

It takes a few days or even more for things to start feeling normal again. For some reason when one spouse has been gone awhile, it takes a few days for one or both to adjust.

What either of you will probably find is that it takes some time to get that closeness or intimacy back. As long as you both talk about it and admit that it is normal, you should do fine.

[RoadRunner]

I would plan some dates that include dinner and time to talk and hold hands. Do some stuff that doesn't have any pressures involved.

Oftentimes husbands think that they are going to be intimate that first night back, but the reality is that it can take longer to get that feeling of closeness back, especially for the wife. This isn't to pick on women. I think most women understand relationships better than men do.

For most men to get excited, all the woman has to do is show up. It usually takes some romance, talking, and affection for the wife to respond in kind. And after a long separation, I don't just mean one day of romance either.

We are just wired differently, but as long as both understand that, it should be less of a problem. If this is true for you, just make sure you communicate it to your hubby.

Once again, all of this is generalities. Different men and women respond differently.

[RoadRunner]

One of the hardest things about reunions or relationships in general is expectations. Don't write a script in your mind and then get mad when your husband doesn't read from it. Give him the script so he knows what you expect.

Remember that most men are basically idiots when it comes to relationships. We think that courting stops once the engagement ring is put on the finger. We don't realize that most women don't want the courting to ever end. So help us out. Tell us what you like and what you expect. And don't get mad if you have to spend the next 40 years repeating it. Just assume that we wake up every morning as clueless as the day before.

[jamesglewisf]

I really don't have much to add to these posts.

My aunt and uncle lived in Russia for about five years, and they were able to come back and reintegrate quite well. I think you'll find all of the wonderful things that you missed will be here waiting for you, including your husband.

Try to enjoy your last two weeks and get all of your goodbyes said. Once you are back into your normal life, will you be able to think about all of the wonderful experiences of your last couple of weeks in Russia, or will your only memories be about how depressed and worried you were. Make the most of it.

[roldfiel]

Thank you to everyone who posted. Roadrunner, I especially appreciate being told that I am normal!:) I know I need to enjoy the last 2 weeks as the worst thing is to regret. I also know that because of the life I have lived I have personal obstacles to overcome. I am afraid that if I say that I am going home and get excited that something will happen and I won't make it. I know to most people this is absurd. It is to me too. However, it still exists inside of me. I am trying to enjoy my last 2 weeks and know that my memories will be great. Sometimes I just need to let out my fears and have people reassure me of what I already know. I appreciate the time that you took out of your day to offer support to someone you don't even know.

[RoadRunner]

No problemo. Glad to help.

You know what--we all have fears and eccentricities. There is some old proverb about there being nothing new under the sun.

If I remember right, you are a new Christian. I'll bet if you are interested, old man Lewis will give you some verses or something to memorize for when that fear kicks in. There are all kinds of stories in the Bible where people faced scary circumstances and God helped them out. Daniel in the lion's den, Joseph in prison, and so forth. The book of Psalms has a lot of good stuff. You might read that. David wrote much of it when he was on the run from his son and Saul.

[Debby]

Oh Roadrunner, what you said was really great!! Maybe we do just expect to much from our mates, and maybe I needed to be reminded that men and women are wired different. And Roldfiel, please don't ever worry about seeming down or that we won't think you are actually a happy, fun loving person, because, we are here to share, and part of sharing is the good with the bad. I too worried that people would think I was a real downer, because of always mentioning just losing my dad, and the fact that my marriage has a few problems, but the people on here have accepted me the way I am, and in general, If you asked most of the people who know me or work with me, they would say I am a very upbeat happy person, who sings alot and jokes around alot. But underneath, there is that sadness, and fear....like you mentioned. We can't always be happy...it's nice to have a place to come and get some support, and feel loved. I hope you keep us posted in how it goes when you get back...and good luck! :)