Karenluvs6
11-30-2000, 06:49 AM
A women awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband
not in bed. Thinking he must be in the bathroom she rolled
over and went back to sleep. She awoke a short time later to
find him still gone.
Deciding this was a bit strange she got up to see if she could
find him. She looked in the bathroom but he wasn't there. She
went down stairs and looked around but could not find him. As
she was passing the basement door she heard a noise. She went
into the basement and heard a sobbing noise coming from a
corner.
When she approached the corner she could see her husband on the
floor in the fetal position crying. "what's wrong honey?" she
asked. "You wouldn't understand he cried, this is the worst day
of my life" he said. "Why, what is it, you can tell me" she said.
"Oh, do you remember when we were 16 and I got you pregnant" he
sobbed. "Yes, of course" "and do you remember we went and told
your dad, and he said I either had to marry you or go to jail"
"well yes" she said. "I would have gotten out today!!!!!!"
he cried
------------------------------------------------------------
In the kitchen...
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
3. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
4. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
6. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
7. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
8. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on
to lead normal lives.
9. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
------------------------------------------------------------
When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting
relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own
room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."
------------------------------------------------------------
The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman,
stand up." One demure little woman stood up.
"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked,
somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the
little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her.
She was my husband's first wife."
------------------------------------------------------------
A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and
dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to
mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she
realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him,
even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't
there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her,
"Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on
the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that
really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're Italian when....
1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day,
but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2
mortadella "sangwiches", 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a regular
paper lunch bag.
3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but
still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
4. You share a bathroom with your 5 siblings, have no money,
but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
5. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel
agent, are all blood relatives.
6. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in
milk a nutritious breakfast.
7. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2
kitchens (one in the basement).
8. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's
brother-in-law.
9. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than 3 dance clubs.
10. You have at least 5 cousins living on your street. All 5 of
those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
11. In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.
12. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has
earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.
13. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall
owners.
14. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
15. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed
his mother had an affair.
16. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
17. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
------------------------------------------------------------
There were two blondes and a brunette that were doing construction work
on a road. The two blondes were down in the man hole digging. The
brunette was up on them road holding a road construction sign.
Jenna,one of the blondes, asked the other blonde,Sarah, why the
brunette,Amy, got to stand up on the road and hold the sign while they
were down in the man hole doing all of the work. Sarah replied,"Well
why don't you go ask her then". Jenna climbed up the man hole and asked
Amy why she got to hold the sign and Sarah and herself had to do all of
the work. Amy said,"Well,it all has to do with intelligence".
Jenna said,"Intelligence? What's that?"
Amy said,"See that tree over there?"
Amy put her hand in front of the tree.
"Try to hit my hand as hard as you can".
Jenna said,"Well,ok".
Jenna went to hit Amy's hand. Before she could hit it Amy moved her
hand out of the way and Jenna hit the tree.
Jenna said,"Ok. I think I get it now".
Jenna then went back down the manhole.
Sarah said,"Well? What did she say?"
Jenna said,"Well,it all has to do with intelligence".
Sarah said,"Intelligence? What's that?"
Jenna replied,"Well,I'll show you. I'll put my hand in front of my face
and you try to hit it as hard as you can"...
------------------------------------------------------------
not in bed. Thinking he must be in the bathroom she rolled
over and went back to sleep. She awoke a short time later to
find him still gone.
Deciding this was a bit strange she got up to see if she could
find him. She looked in the bathroom but he wasn't there. She
went down stairs and looked around but could not find him. As
she was passing the basement door she heard a noise. She went
into the basement and heard a sobbing noise coming from a
corner.
When she approached the corner she could see her husband on the
floor in the fetal position crying. "what's wrong honey?" she
asked. "You wouldn't understand he cried, this is the worst day
of my life" he said. "Why, what is it, you can tell me" she said.
"Oh, do you remember when we were 16 and I got you pregnant" he
sobbed. "Yes, of course" "and do you remember we went and told
your dad, and he said I either had to marry you or go to jail"
"well yes" she said. "I would have gotten out today!!!!!!"
he cried
------------------------------------------------------------
In the kitchen...
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
3. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
4. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
6. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
7. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
8. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on
to lead normal lives.
9. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
------------------------------------------------------------
When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting
relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own
room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."
------------------------------------------------------------
The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman,
stand up." One demure little woman stood up.
"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked,
somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the
little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her.
She was my husband's first wife."
------------------------------------------------------------
A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and
dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to
mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she
realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him,
even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't
there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her,
"Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on
the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that
really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're Italian when....
1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day,
but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2
mortadella "sangwiches", 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a regular
paper lunch bag.
3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but
still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
4. You share a bathroom with your 5 siblings, have no money,
but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
5. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel
agent, are all blood relatives.
6. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in
milk a nutritious breakfast.
7. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2
kitchens (one in the basement).
8. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's
brother-in-law.
9. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than 3 dance clubs.
10. You have at least 5 cousins living on your street. All 5 of
those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
11. In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.
12. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has
earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.
13. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall
owners.
14. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
15. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed
his mother had an affair.
16. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
17. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
------------------------------------------------------------
There were two blondes and a brunette that were doing construction work
on a road. The two blondes were down in the man hole digging. The
brunette was up on them road holding a road construction sign.
Jenna,one of the blondes, asked the other blonde,Sarah, why the
brunette,Amy, got to stand up on the road and hold the sign while they
were down in the man hole doing all of the work. Sarah replied,"Well
why don't you go ask her then". Jenna climbed up the man hole and asked
Amy why she got to hold the sign and Sarah and herself had to do all of
the work. Amy said,"Well,it all has to do with intelligence".
Jenna said,"Intelligence? What's that?"
Amy said,"See that tree over there?"
Amy put her hand in front of the tree.
"Try to hit my hand as hard as you can".
Jenna said,"Well,ok".
Jenna went to hit Amy's hand. Before she could hit it Amy moved her
hand out of the way and Jenna hit the tree.
Jenna said,"Ok. I think I get it now".
Jenna then went back down the manhole.
Sarah said,"Well? What did she say?"
Jenna said,"Well,it all has to do with intelligence".
Sarah said,"Intelligence? What's that?"
Jenna replied,"Well,I'll show you. I'll put my hand in front of my face
and you try to hit it as hard as you can"...
------------------------------------------------------------