Karenluvs6
12-06-2000, 07:17 AM
I was very disappointed this morning....I received all my usual daily joke emailings...and they were all dirty jokes!!
I had to go and search the net for some daily jokes for my thread...can ya believe that?!
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case,
"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" Said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
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When speaking in public I perspire profusely, and thus always carry a few neatly pressed white handkerchiefs. Once, before a large audience, I had already used two handkerchiefs. I reached for number three and proceeded to wipe my forehead only to find to my horror that I was using a pair of pressed white underwear that had inadvertently been piled among the handkerchiefs. With as much poise as I could muster, I completed the dabbing and quickly returned the underwear to my pocket. I often wonder how many viewers in the national audience shared the "brief" embarrassment
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A golfer stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance and figuring the wind. All this was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse so I want to make this a good shot."
"Forget it," said the partner, "there's no way you can hit her from here."
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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."
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Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously, when the auctioneer received a note from an assistant, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came a cry: "Two Thousand Five Hundred."
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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
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Have a great day!!
I had to go and search the net for some daily jokes for my thread...can ya believe that?!
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case,
"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" Said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
------------------------------------------------------------
When speaking in public I perspire profusely, and thus always carry a few neatly pressed white handkerchiefs. Once, before a large audience, I had already used two handkerchiefs. I reached for number three and proceeded to wipe my forehead only to find to my horror that I was using a pair of pressed white underwear that had inadvertently been piled among the handkerchiefs. With as much poise as I could muster, I completed the dabbing and quickly returned the underwear to my pocket. I often wonder how many viewers in the national audience shared the "brief" embarrassment
------------------------------------------------------------
A golfer stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance and figuring the wind. All this was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse so I want to make this a good shot."
"Forget it," said the partner, "there's no way you can hit her from here."
------------------------------------------------------------
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."
------------------------------------------------------------
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously, when the auctioneer received a note from an assistant, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came a cry: "Two Thousand Five Hundred."
------------------------------------------------------------
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
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Have a great day!!