Karenluvs6
12-11-2000, 07:41 AM
I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred
myth, but I believe he is a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big,
organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem
surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting
there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all
be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid
wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if
the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. And what about
the mode of transportation. A sleigh? You have got to be kidding.
OK, it fits the 'my ball is bigger than yours' thing, being a convertible
and all, but pulled by flying reindeer? No man would be caught dead
without at least 6 litres of pure pulsating power. It would be
like going to your local electronics store and asking for a 19 inch
B&W TV, with a Betamax video player and renting Bambi.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance
myth, but I believe he is a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big,
organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem
surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting
there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all
be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid
wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if
the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. And what about
the mode of transportation. A sleigh? You have got to be kidding.
OK, it fits the 'my ball is bigger than yours' thing, being a convertible
and all, but pulled by flying reindeer? No man would be caught dead
without at least 6 litres of pure pulsating power. It would be
like going to your local electronics store and asking for a 19 inch
B&W TV, with a Betamax video player and renting Bambi.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance