Karenluvs6
12-12-2000, 06:47 AM
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on. either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink juice to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply alcohol
compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw Tee-shirt away and
fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour
2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to see if they'll take a mutant cat
and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Value of Proofreading your product labels...
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating {eek2}
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body {confused}
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate
machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness {sleeping}
ON A KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only. well, that leaves a lot of other places to use them, doesn't it? :8|
ON A FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use. ]:{
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AIRLINE'S PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. {dunce}
ON A CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
------------------------------------------------------------
"How was your blind date?" Cynthia asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his
1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
asked Cynthia.
"He was the original owner!" exclaimed the roommate
------------------------------------------------------------
A family is driving in their car on holidays, when a frog crosses
the road. The husband, who is driving, stops the car, gets out
and takes the frog to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will
grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race." The frog
asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices
that the dog only has three legs and tells the man that he thinks it
is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and tells the man to make
a different wish.
The man says, "Well, then please help my wife win the next beauty
contest in the area." Again, the frog asks to see his wife. The
wife gets out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns
to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found
his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've
just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked
sarcastically.
"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold with
a royal flush."
------------------------------------------------------------
O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced
with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she
would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed
marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon
cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have
wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls
did."
"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I
lost all of my other suitors."
------------------------------------------------------------
Have a great day gang!
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on. either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink juice to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply alcohol
compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw Tee-shirt away and
fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour
2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to see if they'll take a mutant cat
and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Value of Proofreading your product labels...
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating {eek2}
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body {confused}
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate
machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness {sleeping}
ON A KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only. well, that leaves a lot of other places to use them, doesn't it? :8|
ON A FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use. ]:{
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AIRLINE'S PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. {dunce}
ON A CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
------------------------------------------------------------
"How was your blind date?" Cynthia asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his
1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
asked Cynthia.
"He was the original owner!" exclaimed the roommate
------------------------------------------------------------
A family is driving in their car on holidays, when a frog crosses
the road. The husband, who is driving, stops the car, gets out
and takes the frog to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will
grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race." The frog
asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices
that the dog only has three legs and tells the man that he thinks it
is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and tells the man to make
a different wish.
The man says, "Well, then please help my wife win the next beauty
contest in the area." Again, the frog asks to see his wife. The
wife gets out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns
to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found
his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've
just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked
sarcastically.
"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold with
a royal flush."
------------------------------------------------------------
O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced
with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she
would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed
marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon
cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have
wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls
did."
"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I
lost all of my other suitors."
------------------------------------------------------------
Have a great day gang!