Karenluvs6
12-14-2000, 07:22 AM
I LOVE THIS ONE!!!
A newly married couple were visiting their neighbors
when the topic of children came up. The bride said she
wanted three children, while the young husband said two
would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until
the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying
boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a
vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well,
I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
------------------------------------------------------------
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his
young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack
the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "now go over there and explain
it to your mother."
------------------------------------------------------------
Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the
superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles
he mistakes the agitation of his tale for the trembling of the
edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the
disadvantage of being alive.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
------------------------------------------------------------
Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority
tempered by fraudulent elections...
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
------------------------------------------------------------
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San
Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the
dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place
and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all
conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of
soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the
front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to
the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: Yes.
Pizza Man: With guns?
Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas
and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front
doors locked.
Pizza Man: Man, you're crazy!! That's why you're in there, man!!
CLICK!!
------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy
life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a
lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one.
On the way, he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for
sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out
to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower
and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went
to look at the lawn mower.
The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The
preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed
a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the
job, they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle
when he spied on the preacher pulling on the engine
starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple
of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you
know how?"
The kid said, "Yep. You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here.
I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I
have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the
kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and
it'll all come back to you."
------------------------------------------------------------
Have a great day!!!!
A newly married couple were visiting their neighbors
when the topic of children came up. The bride said she
wanted three children, while the young husband said two
would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until
the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying
boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a
vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well,
I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
------------------------------------------------------------
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his
young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack
the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "now go over there and explain
it to your mother."
------------------------------------------------------------
Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the
superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles
he mistakes the agitation of his tale for the trembling of the
edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the
disadvantage of being alive.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
------------------------------------------------------------
Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority
tempered by fraudulent elections...
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
------------------------------------------------------------
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San
Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the
dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place
and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all
conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of
soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the
front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to
the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: Yes.
Pizza Man: With guns?
Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas
and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front
doors locked.
Pizza Man: Man, you're crazy!! That's why you're in there, man!!
CLICK!!
------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy
life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a
lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one.
On the way, he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for
sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out
to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower
and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went
to look at the lawn mower.
The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The
preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed
a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the
job, they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle
when he spied on the preacher pulling on the engine
starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple
of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you
know how?"
The kid said, "Yep. You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here.
I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I
have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the
kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and
it'll all come back to you."
------------------------------------------------------------
Have a great day!!!!