Jokes

[jamesglewisf]

A man walked into a bar and said, "Ouch. Could somebody get me some ice?"

[mr_impatient]

If that's the first joke, maybe you should consider renaming this forum to: "Groan quietly to yourself". :-) In that spirit,

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

[jamesglewisf]

mr_impatient>

Hey--I know you.

At least mine was original. LOL.

[jamesglewisf]

This one isn't original.

A woman walked into a lawyer's office and said she needed a divorce. The lawyer said, "That's a shame; do you have grounds?" The woman said, "Oh sure, we have about an acre with a very nice house..." The lawyer interrupted, "Let me put it another way: Does he beat you up?" The woman answered, "Only on weekends. During the week I get up about 30 minutes before he does." The lawyer said, "I'm sorry, what I meant was do you have a grudge?" To this the woman said, "Oh yes, we have a two-car garage. He parks his car on the left, and I park mine on the right." Exasperated, the lawyer said, "You don't understand. I want to know why you want a divorce. What is the problem?" The woman replied, "Well, he is just impossible to communicate with."

[jamesglewisf]

What is the difference between broccoli and buggers? You can get your kids to eat buggers.

[jamesglewisf]

A preacher was hunting deer in the forest when he tripped over a rock. He fell to the ground and dropped his rifle. When he looked up, he stared into the face of a grizzly bear. Panic stricken, the preacher turned and ran off leaving his rifle behind. He ran as fast as he could and then climbed up into a tree to escape the bear. In the tree he prayed, "Dear Lord, please let this be a Christian bear." Then he looked down at the bear and sure enough, the bear was praying, "Dear Lord, please bless this food I am about to eat to the nourisment of my body."

[jamesglewisf]

A bright young man worked at a grocery store. One day an elderly woman walked up to him and asked, "Young man, how much does a half of a head of lettuce cost." The young man replied, "I don't think we sell a half of a head of lettuce, ma'am, but let me check with my manager." The young man walked off, found his manager, and asked, "Some old bag wants to buy a half of a head of lettuce. How much does it cost?" Just as he said it, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that the elderly woman had followed him and was standing beside him. He quickly added, "And this nice woman wants to buy the other half." The manager quoted a price, and the elderly woman went on her way. The manager said to the young man, "Son, that was quick thinking. Where are you from?" The young man replied, "I'm from Chicago, where the women are ugly and the football is great." To this the manager said, "Hey now, my wife is from Chicago." Then young man quickly asked, "Well, what position does she play?"

[jamesglewisf]

My well has run dry. I've got to get back to work. Insurance. Hoorah!

[heartcall]

Hehehehe... I may have to copy some of these :D

[jamesglewisf]

The motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until a man finally got his license.

He inpected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

[Rhonda]

Jesus, Moses and an old man were golfing one day.
Moses teed off first. His ball headed straight for the water hazard. Moses then raised his hands, parted the water and the ball rolled safely onto the green 10 feet from the hole.
Jesus and the older gentleman replied, "nice shot Moses". Jesus went next. After teeing off, his ball went straight for the water hazard. Jesus looked to the ball and said "have faith" and the ball skipped across the water and rolled safely upon the green 5 feet from the hole.
Moses and the older gentleman said "nice shot Jesus".
Next was the old mans shot. He teed off and the ball headed straight for the same hazard. The ball plopped into the water. As it broke the surface a hugh fish jumped up and grabbed the ball. Suddenly, a giant hawk swooped down out of the sky and grabbed the fish. As the hawk was flying away with the fish it was stuck by lightening. Needless to say, the hawk dropped the fish, and it landed on the green. The ball rolled from its mouth and into the cup.
Jesus turns to the old man and says "nice shot dad".

[blinc]

Laughing out loud over here! I had to tell a couple of these to the hubby. I love that golfing joke Rhonda!

I was reading a thing today, that contained some true stories of people who had called into various computer companies for tech support.

One woman called in telling the tech, that the dust cover on her mouse was inhibiting her use. The tech eventually found out she was referring to the plastic bag the mouse was shipped in.

Another one was a guy who couldn't figure out why his fax modem wasn't working. After several minutes of questioning, the tech support found the problem. The guy was holding the paper to be faxed in front of the monitor screen and hitting send.

*sigh*
Makes me feel downright intelligent. :)

[jamesglewisf]

How do you make a Belgian waffle?

You have to get him drunk first.

[cbreeze]

The Three Kick Rule
A big-city, Tennessee lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alabama. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming overhere."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
attorneys in Tennessee and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Alabama. We settle small disagreements like this with the Alabama Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Alabama Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided That he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his Feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck.

This was just sent to me today by my mother in law's friend. She has sent *lots*, and I save most of them...but some of them may be too *dirty*. I wont even repeat the *filthy* ones, but is there a *rule* of conduct where jokes are concerned? As not everybodys humour is the same, and some people are easily offended. I for one am up for anything, but my sister in law (blonde and short), actually cries at those style of jokes. Yet she is also Polish, and loves polock jokes.

I think that I am just covering my bases, trying to let everybody know that I mean no harm, and have no belief in any joke. (am I safe yet?)

Anyway, just wondering.....

[jamesglewisf]

How much does a pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

[jamesglewisf]

A buck an ear.

[wdn2000]

A man and his wife were driving down the road. The woman says I want a divorce! Her husband starts driving faster, he says...OK? She says I want the kids and the house and the dog. He asks, "Why the divorce?" She says,"I am fooling around with your best friend." He drives faster and faster. She asks him,"Well, don't you have anything to say?" He says , as he speeds toward the retaining wall, "Your not getting anything!" She says, "oh really? How do you figure that?" He says, "Because I have the airbag!!"

[blinc]

Oooh, that's cold!! {toothy} *evil cackle*