Lawyer Jokes......Just for you , Jim!

[Karenluvs6]

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather and a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.
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A lawyer and a doctor were on an extravagant fishing trip. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid a mint for everything I lost."

"Now that's quite a coincidence," said the doctor, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and said, "Really? How do you start a flood?"
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A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times,
as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked
after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her
the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me,
argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him
in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
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Bartender: "What'll you have?"

Consumer: "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars.

The imbiber says, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sifting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then offers, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the smiling drinker, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever
let me catch you in here again.

The next day, the winner walks into the bar.

The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

"What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

"I bet," says the bartender. "You must have a double then."

"Thank you. Make it a scotch."
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[jamesglewisf]

Those are good. I need to build up a stash to tell to our defense attorneys. I also have a friend in Houston who is a lawyer.

[Karenluvs6]

fear not Frappy leader!
I am going to help ya with this one...I'm on it!

[Karenluvs6]

Late Breaking News!

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. A hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour! {blah}
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. $50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to

meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the

thre million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather

asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand

you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the money is." The attorney, using sign language

asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back,

"I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what

you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant,

cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase

behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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I'm not an ambulance chaser. I'm usually there before the ambulance.
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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.


When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.


"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"


"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
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The Lawyer's Creedo:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

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Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?

A Cadillac seats six
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[jamesglewisf]

More good stuff, karen.

[Karenluvs6]

A lawyer named Mr. Strange was shopping for a tombstone.
After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him
what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In
this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the
same grave."

Mr. Strange was not amused by the stonecutter's attempt at
humor and asked if he had another suggestion.

The stonecutter said, "I could write, 'Here lies an honest
lawyer'."

The lawyer protested, "But that won't tell people who it was."

"It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People
will read, 'Here lies an honest lawyer' and exclaim, 'That's
Strange!'"
************************************************************

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister
asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give
you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the
father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father
of lawyers,' so I let it go."
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After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of
hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours
to live. He immediately called his two lawyers to his room. He
asked them to each stand by one side of his bed.

After standing for some time, the first lawyer asked, "What do
you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the second lawyer asked, "What do you want me
to do?"

"Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, both the lawyers watched the man weaken.
When his time had almost arrived, they again asked, "Why are
we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves,
so I thought I'd do the same!
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[Alec]

"The father of lawyers" -- That is a classic. I'm busting a gut over here.

[Karenluvs6]

glad to see you're enjoying the humor Alec!
Just knowing that, makes all the time it takes me to gather all the jokes, sort through them and post them everyday all worth while.

It's truly a pleasure!

[blinc]

I cracked up over this lawyer joke! {toothy}

Picking up the Priest

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, "Awesome! A lawyer that I can run over!" So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second he remembers the priest riding with him. So, he swerves real quick to miss the lawyer, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

Nervously, he says to the priest "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!"

The priest then replies "That's ok son, I got him with my door."

[Mickyhoo]

I never knew Jim was a lawyer. I have a healthy dislike of lawyers after getting a lousy one in Wa..

He seriously told me:

It is not my job to prove you innocent(I was btw).

It is my job to get you the best plea offer possible, there by lessening your exposure to prison.

When I told him I was innocent.. he informed me that the county did not pay him enough to prove my innocence!!

THAT lawyer was a JOKE!!

sorry for posting that here but grrrrrrrrrr just the subject of lawyers gets me going

[Mickyhoo]

Jack, a lawyer, lies dying with his partner of 40 years by his

bedside. "Mike, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with

your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter.

On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a

decade."



"Relax," says Mike, "and don't think another thing about it.

I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

[jamesglewisf]

Originally posted by Mickyhoo
I never knew Jim was a lawyer. I have a healthy dislike of lawyers after getting a lousy one in Wa..That's because I'm not a lawyer. I don't even have a law degree. I'm a computer geek.

[Mickyhoo]

That makes me feel a LOT better about ya ;)

[Zephyrus]

LOL I love these lawyer jokes, especially since I was actually thinking of becoming one a while ago...

blinc, i heard the one with the priest, but instead of the lawyer it was about Aborigines... still very funny :)

[rock]

What's the difference between a catastrophe and a calamity?

It's a catastrophe if a busload of lawyers drive off a cliff.

It's a calamity if someone rescues them. :)

-- Rich

[Grimey]

I think Jim really is a lawyer and just afraid to admit it.

[jamesglewisf]

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

You shoot the lawyer. Twice. Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

[jamesglewisf]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!