Morning Humor for January 22, 2001

[Karenluvs6]

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and
don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

"C'mon, Honey. Really, Honey. Honey!" A real man will just
sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't,
eventually he'll say, "What? All right, what? I'm sitting
here, okay? I'm listening!"

Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his
stereo equipment. Or mess around with the car. Adjusting the
timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard,
remove a tool and hide it somewhere special. Within a day
he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Be pre-
pared though, He will be cranky.

More attention getters: scratch the paint on his car, throw
out his favorite sweatshirt, or punch him in the stomach
when he's not looking. His expression alone will be priceless.
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A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a stranger is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the
morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him? she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning"

"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and
calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing" the man replies

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The bride said she wanted three children, while the young
husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the
husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly,
After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy.

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, Well, I
hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own...

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Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get some-
thing practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings
account for you?" Susie was delighted.

"It's your account," Susie's mother said as they entered at
the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name
of your former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put
down "Piggy."

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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the
movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written
report, he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than
professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw
the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying
themselves at an outdoor café. He saw them dancing in a dimly
lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a
dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there
on the screen."

The husband replied, "I just can't believe that my wife could
be so much fun."
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Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out
and give yourself up."
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Have a great day gang!